


Shame Less

by repressedDemogorgon



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, Love, Love Confessions, Period-Typical Homophobia, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Smut, conversion therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:02:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 67,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25018213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/repressedDemogorgon/pseuds/repressedDemogorgon
Summary: Mary is with Mrs. Hughes on that dreadful night, when the housekeeper finds Anna in her office.From that moment on, the relationship between the maid and her mistress will start to spark in a way Mary had never thought of, and naturally never wanted. It's a shame, it's illegal, it's nothing more than an illness that must be taken care of.On the other side, she wanted to be happy and in the depths of her cold, hardened heart she knew there was only one person who could make that happen."For to be wise and love exceeds man's might" - W. Shakespeare[No Bates in this story]
Relationships: Anna Bates/Mary Crawley
Comments: 142
Kudos: 92





	1. After The Concert

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> 1) I'm not English, so sorry for any spelling mistakes. 
> 
> 2) Some parts are taken directly from the show, if you've seen it I'm sure you will recognize those specific parts, but just to be sure I will put a "***" at the beginning and the end of those parts. 
> 
> 3) There are not many shippers of this particular ship. I, however, am one. If you don't agree with me simply leave the story, I'm not forcing you to read it.
> 
> That being said, hope you will enjoy it!

All was silent around her. The clock ticked on the wall opposite to the one she was leaning on, every passing second reminding her of her fault.

Because it had been her fault, at least partly. She shouldn't have led him to think of her in the wrong way. She should have kept herself to herself like she always did. Now, however, none of that mattered.

She had been raped. There was no other way to put it.

Curled up in a corner between the cupboard and the wall, hidden to the view of whoever may have entered the room, her forehead pushed against the wood while her left hand clutched the edge of the piece of furniture.

She was trembling and crying, desperately wanting help yet unsure whether she would have accepted any at all, apart from Mrs. Hughes, obviously. If she hadn't wanted it, she wouldn't have been in her office right now.

She thought the concert must have been about to end, when she heard shoes descending the stairs and faint voices following soon after. The staff was coming down, and so would have Mrs. Hughes in a couple of minutes.

At the thought of confronting her Anna felt terrified and ashamed, but she was in need of someone's help, even only to share her burden.

In that exact moment the door opened to reveal the steady steps of Mrs. Hughes, but to her dismal someone else was following her. Another pair of heels stepped into the room and a younger woman absently closed the door behind her, noticing in a matter of seconds the creature croutched in a corner.

-"Anna!"- Lady Mary exclaimed, bringing one hand to her mouth to suppress the breath of surprise.

Her maid was shivering more than a leaf on a cold autumn day, her features partially hidden by her hands: she would have never wanted her mistress to see her in such a state.

-"Oh, my God."- Mrs. Hughes whispered, eyes widened in awe.

Mary, though, was the first one to leave that momentary state of shock, lowering herself to Anna's level and softly placing a hand on her knee, feeling her own heart pumping in her throat.

Obviously she understood what had happened. It was not hard to imagine.

-"Anna, please, look up."- Mary asked, her voice unbelievably sweet. The maid could have sworn she had never heard that tone, even when Mary was with her own child.

After a bit of thinking, she decided to comply to what she was asked and she timidly lifted up her head, meeting Mary's brown eyes.

Both Mrs. Hughes and the Lady couldn't withhold a gasp: there was a wound on her forehead and her lower lip was bleeding, her light blonde hair were sticking out in all directions, some seemed to have traces of blood in them.

But all of that was nothing compared to her eyes.

They weren't empty. That would have been much less horrible to bear. Her eyes were screaming with thousands of voices, they were steeped with such tearing emotions one would have believed her some kind of supernatural entity, for it was impossible to think that human eyes could tell so much.

Mary swallowed, then kindly asked Mrs. Hughes to fetch a cloth and some water to clean the wounds, together with a comb and clean clothes. The woman nodded silently, then laid for a moment a pitiful look on Anna before exiting the room.

-"Who did this to you?"- the Lady asked, daring to place one hand on the maid's cheek.

-"It doesn't matter."- she asserted, her voice weak and broken.

-"Anna, it does. If I might have even the slightest chance to do something I will, I promise."-

-"I don't want you to do anything, milady. That's kind of you, but…what's done is done and now…"- she took a breath, her tone now shaking from new tears.

-"…I can't do anything to undo it. Nothing can be undone. I…"- she tried to pause and put herself together, but as soon as she did so she started crying again, her body trembling against the wall.

Mary sighed lightly, then asked:

-"May I hold you?"-

It was such a simple, childish, innocent request, but coming from Mary's lips Anna would have thought she had misheard it if it wasn't for the fact that they were the only ones in the room.

After all that she had passed, to hear such kindness shook her even more.

She nodded slightly as her gaze turned to Mary's hands still resting on her knees, but she didn't look into her eyes. How ever could she have borne such shame?

As she was thinking the lady gently leaned over her, taking her stiff body into her arms. The maid twitched a little at first, almost punching Mary in the face before muttering "I'm sorry".

Mary understood; when Matthew and she first made love she was more resilient than she thought, despite the affair with Pamuk having happened years and years before and Matthew being immensely patient and loving with her, so for Anna it must have been a thousand times more difficult, being embraced by someone else minutes after what had happened. Her heart cried at the very thought of it.

Placing her arms around the maid's waist, Mary started rocking smoothly from side to side, at one point even placing a kiss on the blood-stained blond hair. They remained in those positions until Mrs. Hughes' arrival, Anna crying on Mary's shoulder and the lady tightening her hold around her from time to time, always attentive not to hurt her.

-"I've fetched everything you've asked, milady."- the woman's voice whispered as Elsie entered the room, immediately closing it behind her before she announced:

-"There are people looking for you. I think Your Ladyship wants to speak with you before bed, milady."-, placing the objects she brought on her desk in the meantime.

Mary freed herself from the embrace with a sigh, then seemed to reflect for a second before asking Anna:

-"Can you come into my room later? I don't want you to undress me, I think I can manage on my own for one night. I just have a question."-

Swallowing, Anna nodded. Mary smiled at her for a moment before taking her leave from Mrs. Hughes as well and leaving the room.

-

While she walked up the stairs, smiling at the servants she encountered, Mary kept thinking about her maid, about how bad she felt for her and about how absolutely wrathful she felt towards whoever dared to do something like that. She knew Anna wouldn't have told her the name of the criminal even if she knew it, but a few were already popping up into her mind. Could it have been one of theirs? Or maybe Lord Ghillingham's valet? She had to admit, she hadn't exactly fancied him when she first saw him, but what could she know?

As soon as she entered the main hall she saw her parents talking quietly near a vase, while a few feet from them was standing Carson, his posture elegant and discrete as his usual.

-"Mother, did you send for me?"- Mary asked, her tone now more haughty and royal.

Cora turned with an affectionate smile, soothing Robert's suit with her hand while she watched her come closer.

-"I just wanted to bid you good night, my dear. Why were you in the servant quarters?"-

Mary's eyes unintentionally widened for a second as she heard her mother's question. Suddenly every possible answer seemed senseless, no matter how hard she tried to make up an excuse.

-"Mrs. Hughes wanted to talk to me."-

It was the truth, though she had forgotten what was the purpose of her visit the moment she saw Anna on the ground.

-"I hope everything is all right."- her father said, lifting an eyebrow.

-"Nothing to bother you with.”- she paused for a moment, glanced briefly at Carson before her eyes locked with her mother's. -“Good night.”-

Leaving them with a slight smile, Mary started walking up the stairs, eager to go into her room. Then she thought about the maid. She would have had to call for her.

Turning elegantly on the stairs she glanced at Carson and asked:

-“Carson, could you send up Anna, please?”-

-“Naturally, milady.”- was the butler's answer, before he walked towards the door that led to the servants' quarters.

-

She already had her nightgown on when she heard a knock at her door, instantly followed by a:

-“Milady, may I come in?”-

There was a flutter in her voice, she could hear it so clearly. Mary's heart tightened a little at the thought, but she tried to reprimand it, inviting the maid into her room with a welcoming smile.

-“Was there something you wished to ask me, milady?”-

Ah, yes. The question. It was odd, Mary had to admit it, but just half an hour before she thought it a good idea. Was it still? All of a sudden, she felt embarrassed and ashamed of herself. Obviously it was a stupid idea. But still, there was another part, more hidden in her being, that was begging her to spit the question out. After a few moments of reflection, it won.

-“Would you stay with me?”- she proposed, though the query came out more ambiguous than she desired.

-“Milady?”- Anna didn't understand immediately and made a questioning expression to ask for more clarification.

-“Tonight. Would you sleep with me?”-

Anna's eyes felt immediately watery, her stomach tightened in a grip and her heart started pounding again against her chest.

No, please. After all she had passed that night, how could she ask her something like that? How in the world could Mary think that she could bear it? Sleeping with someone else the night she had been violated? Did she hate her? Was this just an occasion to have her hand in her notice? Why would she do that?

She was backing up against the door, slowly but steadily.

As Mary noticed her behaviour, she stepped forwards without thinking of it, but stopped as soon as Anna whimpered:

-“Stop. Please.”-

Of course. What an idiot thing to do.

Taking a few steps backwards, she explained:

-“Don't garble my question. I know that now, to you, it might seem like the most horrible thing someone could possibly ask of you, but I gave it a thought. That night, after Pamuk-”- she gestured vaguely towards the bed, knowing the maid would remember perfectly- -“I slept alone, and I feared every second of it. Obviously, there was a part of me that believed his ghost would have come back to haunt me for the rest of my days, but mainly I felt scarred, I felt damaged. I felt like I could never be pieced up together again, by no one. I don't want you to feel like that, Anna.”- Believing the woman might have relaxed a bit, she cautiously took a step forward. -“I want to help you, and as terrifying as it may seem now, I believe a part of you is craving for warmth. I'm just offering to give you that, I don't want to leave you alone with your nightmares.”-

Her tone, her words felt like a balm for Anna's mind. Now at least she was sure the woman didn't hate her. On the contrary, she might very well be right. It was true, in that moment the thought alone of being touched by another person was enough to send shivers trough her entire being, but Mary was right about the other part of her, the one that was seeking for someone to hold on to.

She hinted a brief, forced smile, more of politeness than anything.

-“That's very kind of you, milady.”- was the only thing she was able to say, though she was not sure she was going to accept the offer. -“But I don't want to bother you. I don't know if you're doing this out of pity or pushed by something else, but you don't really have to fell obligated. I think I can sleep alone.”-

-“Bother? Why on Earth do you talk of bothering?”- Mary took another few steps forward, now standing at an arm's length from Anna's position.

-“Because I am afraid that might be your only reason to make me such an offer, milady.”- Anna let her look fall to the ground, too abashed to held her superior's gaze with as much confidence.

-“Such nonsense.”- she laughed briefly, then tilted her head to the side a bit, waiting for an answer.

-“So?”-

The maid considered her alternatives. Sleeping in a room where anyone could have entered at any given moment, forcefully left alone with her thoughts, the shadows surrounding her, every sound amplified by her senses, knowing she would probably sleep for a few hours before waking up in a cold sweat, her cheeks wet with tears, or accepting the offering that had been made to her? Once she put it that way, it seemed most unreasonable to prefer the first to the second.

-“I'll go and grab my nightgown, then.”- she asserted, her smile this time being slightly more honest, but as she was opening the door to exit the room Mary's voice stopped her from her doing:

-“You can borrow one of mines. You're tired and your room is miles from mine. It's not a problem.”- Mary herself almost couldn't believe the words she was saying. Not that they weren't sincere, naturally, but she never saw herself as one that cared so much for another person to the point of suggesting that someone else might sleep with her, let alone a servant. With Anna, however, the matter seemed so different she couldn't help but feel obliged to offer her some comfort. Moreover, if she actually wanted to be honest with herself, she missed feeling the warmth of someone else beside her in her bed.

Without leaving room for an answer, the lady went towards her closet and selected a dark blue nightdress, then handed it to Anna. The other woman finally looked up again and met Mary's hickory eyes for a moment, silently thanking her with a glance and a swift bow while taking the clothing from her hands and walking towards the bathroom, muttering a “thank you” before closing the door behind her.

Mary couldn't help but smile. Anna was such a pure soul, such a beautiful person she was surprised she hadn't found a husband yet. Come to think about it, she had never even heard Anna speaking of someone she might be interested into, even though she thought she knew her maid pretty well. On the other hand, Anna was one to keep herself to herself and tended to listen more than to speak. When she reflected on it, Mary realized how little she truly knew about a person that had been with her for so many years. Suddenly she felt almost disgusted by herself. God, how selfish she had been all that time; but after all, she was her servant, her job was not to talk about her personal life with her superiors. Mary was not and had never been Anna's confessional, yet she had always seemed to be fine with it. Why did it all seem to matter so much now?

Before she could answer, the bathroom door creaked open and Anna stepped into the room, looking down at herself for a moment before saying:

-“I don't think I've ever noticed our height difference more than in this very moment.”-

The two of them laughed for a moment at the remark, before suddenly shutting up when they noticed how loud they were being. Anna chuckled a little, but did not move from where she was standing: she needed to be allowed to sit on that bed and she knew it.

-“Come.”- Mary whispered softly, making space for her on the mattress. The maid seemed hesitant for a moment, before cautiously sitting on the edge of the bed and slithering under the covers, a sense of embarrassment laying upon her.

-“Can I turn down the light?”-

Anna just nodded, looking at Mary while she turned to switch off the bedside lamp. In a moment, the room was plunged into darkness, broken only by the rays of moonlight that entered through the semi-open window, something that Mary had always liked because, as she said, “to sleep in a room with all windows closed feels like having no air to breath”. The maid instantly clutched the covers in her hands and inhaled deeply, feeling her heartbeat rising as each second passed. Then Mary's hand grabbed hers and Anna felt her lady's voice into her ear:

-“Breathe deeply. I want you to remember that you are safe now.”-

-“I'm sorry to ask you this, milady, but could you avoid being so near?”- the question was not as polite as she had hoped, but in that moment she wouldn't have known which other way to put it. Exhaustion as well was speaking for her, of that she was sure.

-“Naturally. Please, forgive me.”- the other woman asserted, leaving her hand and settling slightly further. Anna felt somewhat more comfortable and turned to her right side, now facing the armchair and the window in front of her.

-“I truly have no idea how to thank you, milady.”- she admitted, her desire to turn around and hold Mary battling with the dread of being touched again, which was much more powerful than she had imagined.

-“There's no need to, Anna. You've done so many things for me through the years it only seems right that I give you some kind of comfort, as little as it may be.”-

She was being discourteous not to face her, Anna decided. She rolled on her back and was met by Mary's gentle features, only lightly touched on by the pale moon.

-“I only want you to know, I am grateful.”-

Smiling, she pushed her face into the cushion to make herself more comfortable and closed her eyes, bidding Mary “Good night” after a few moments of silence.

_But it was just that. The silence, how did she think it wouldn't have been filled with echoes and voices screaming from within her from the moment she fell asleep? It was just a few moments though, then every noise submitted to one particular voice, a voice she had come to fear and hate that same evening._

_-“You look to me like you could use a bit of real fun for once. Is that what you want?”-_

_Mr. Green's tedious smile appeared before her eyes, immobilizing her with fear. She remembered those slightly parted lips, moments before they imposed on hers, how rough and hard they had been. She fidgeted and twitched, but as she did so the valet's knuckles hit her on the cheek, giving her a few moments of dizziness that were long enough for Mr. Green to grab the maid by her wrists and take her into another room, much darker and only partially lighted by the rising moon. He threw her onto the wooden table, careless of her screams, knowing that from where they were standing and with a soprano singing upstairs it would have been impossible for the woman to be heard. She was his, totally. He laughed almost maniacally at the thought before walking towards her and commanding for her to stay still, to calm down, that way maybe she could have enjoyed it too._

_-“You seem like a good woman,-” he started to unfasten his belt with one hand, while the other one was strongly keeping Anna's wrists together behind her back- “of those that go to church every Sunday,-” while he moved, she felt his erection brushing against her thighs. She shivered. “- and never even dreamt of stealing something from their superiors.”-_

_She was fighting, he had to admit it. But the situation needed a little fun, didn't it? He quickly pushed her on the table, furiously grabbing her skirt by the sides and pulling it down to her knees, throwing another punch at her stomach to slow her while he tore apart her stockings just enough to have access to her underwear._

_-“If I am right, seeing that you have no husband, you must still be properly touched by a man.”-_

_Anna was crying, moving desperately and trying to recover from the punch, an ensemble of actions that seemed to do nothing but arouse Mr. Green more and more the longer he stared at her. After a few moments he slapped her on the mouth as a warning to stay silent, bruising her lower lip. Then, with little to no warning, he entered her. A piercing pain run through her body, so powerful and raw she thought she would have passed out, but no. She didn't, and he kept on thrust after thrust, moan after moan, to torture her._

-

-“Anna!”-

Mary' voice woke her from her sleep so suddenly the maid almost hit her, had it not been for the woman’s reflexes, quick enough to grasp her maid’s wrist and prevent her from possibly breaking her nose.

Anna was kicking and moving relentlessly until Mary took action and pushed herself towards the woman, holding her despite knowing that it could only worsen the situation, but she needed to prevent her from hitting something or hurting herself in any way. The maid was shivering uncontrollably, repeating the sentence “Please, don't hurt me” as if in a loop, unable to separate dream from reality.

-“I don't want to hurt you.”- Mary whispered, pressing Anna's body to hers to try and allay her, unable to think about what could have actually helped in that situation. Then she remembered something, a memory presenting itself so clear in her mind she believed for a moment it couldn't have been older than a day. It was something that Matthew used to do from time to time, when for one reason or another Mary lost control of herself.

-“Listen to my heart...”- she said, keeping her left hand into the maid's soft hair.

Anna kept fighting for a while, but the more Mary repeated the sentence into her ear, the more she concentrated on the woman's heartbeat, the more she began to breathe steadily again. It took a couple of minutes before she was able to form a phrase different from the delirious prayer she had been repeating since she had woken up.

-“You must detest me in this moment.”-

Mary was speechless. For a moment she even considered whether she had heard right, but they were so close there was no space left for error.

-“No, Anna. I could never.”- she answered, surprisingly finding herself holding back tears. To hear that the first impression Anna had had of her after her panic attack was that she could only hate her made her feel horrible in a way almost totally new to her. People really saw her like that? Like a person so cold-hearted she didn't care about anyone else's feelings but her own?

-“Why would you think that?”- Mary asked, fearing the answer.

-“I am pathetic.”- was the maid's murmured answer, so full of self-loathe and so miserable it passed through Mary's heart as though it had been a million pieces of broken glass.

-“Please, don't say it. Don't even think about it.”- she felt her voice unexpectedly cracking towards the end of the sentence, but she was quick enough to hide it.

-“Sleep, dear.”- Mary placed a kiss on Anna's hair, praying that her own tears would have passed unseen: her chest was already wet from Anna's and if the woman had noticed her crying she would have been vulnerable, naked, and that wasn't something she intended to show to anyone.

Thankfully she managed to let only a few tears run down her skin, feeling the stinging sensation of the salt drying on her cheeks in the cold air of the night a few minutes later.

On the other hand, Anna had begun to drift off, her breaths were now calm and almost synchronized with Mary's, pressing against her body. It was that feeling, so wholesome yet so inexplicable that made her fall asleep again, holding Anna to her as if she were made of crystal. Maybe she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! If you liked the chapter let me know, receiving comments it's such a beautiful thing!


	2. London Air

Warmth. It was the first sensation Anna felt when she woke up, not many hours after her nightmare. Fortunately after that she had slept fairly well, pushed against Mary's body. She breathed in and slowly removed herself from the spot the lady had chosen for her the night prior, standing still for a moment, sitting on the bed. Her body and mind were exhausted, she felt a sharp headache and some parts of her still hurt from what happened the evening before.

She would have taken an aspirin as soon as she had been downstairs and tried to get herself distracted by work. God, what a lie.

No matter how hard she tried to set fire to her own memories, they seemed to be indestructible and to come back every time ten times more powerful and more imposing. There was a kind of pain inside her she never thought could be felt by a human being: it was disharmony in her own body, a feeling of not belonging to herself, to be but a marred object that could be passed by and, if not desired, thrown away.

She abruptly felt feverish, she began sweating and shivering uncontrollably, instinctively holding her knees to her chest, trying to repress the sensation of sickness that was growing inside of her. Surely Mary had been wrong the night before: she was pathetic, one of the most pathetic women one could ever meet. Couldn't she simply get on with her life like everyone else did?

Then a hand sweetly touched her left shoulder, diverting her from her thoughts.

-“Is something the matter?”- Mary asked, the voice a little deeper than usual because of the sleep. Moments later she noticed the state Anna was in, her skin covered by a veil of sweat and her breaths uneven again, but this time it didn't seem as though she had awoken from another bad dream.

Anna didn't answer, mostly because she was fairly sure she would have thrown up had she tried and instead attempted to signal towards her mouth with an expression of disgust painted on her features. The other woman immediately understood, and asked with her fair share of worry:

-“Would you like me to call for someone? I'm sure the servants must already be awake.”-

The maid shook her head and took a few deep breaths, trying to regain control of herself as much as she could. In the meantime, Mary had come nearer and was now holding her by both shoulders, her arms crossing around Anna's chest, her head resting on the woman's left shoulder near her neck.

-“Deep breaths, in and out.”- she led her, talking softly into her ear.

Anna closed her eyes, finally beginning to feel the sickness fade away and brought her hands to Mary's, closing her fingers around the lady's wrists. The other woman smiled, then instinctively placed a kiss on the side of Anna's neck, not realizing what she was doing until her lips were on the maid's skin.

At the contact Anna felt almost shocked for two main reasons: firstly, she didn't think she could bear a touch so intimate only hours after Mr. Green and secondly, not only it was not displeasing, but she had to hold back a gasp that would have otherwise escaped her lips. For a few moments she basked into that sensation, so different and so gentle she would have begged for more had it not been for the fact that they both had realized the inappropriateness of what was happening.

-“I'm sorry.”- Mary said, hearing the beatings of her heart into her ears while she took some distance from the maid.

-“It's nothing. If anything, I should thank you, though I don't think I could ever be able to let you fully understand how much you have helped me tonight. I can barely imagine how unbearable I must have been.”- she chuckled lightly had the end of the sentence, this time with a tone more genuine rather than sarcastic.

-“If I hear you say something like this one more time, I shall put out and announcement for a new maid.”- Mary joked, taking the liberty of laughing a little bit more loudly, but always attentive not to wake up anyone in the nearest rooms.

Anna smiled, then took a deep breath and finally decided to get up. Her silhouette stood for a few seconds against the light of dawn before she disappeared into the bathroom to change herself back into her clothes.

Mary sat, her back against the walnut headboard, strangely deprived of her tiredness; she hadn't even nearly slept the amount of hours she was used to and yet she didn't feel the need for more. Maybe because it had been one of the only nights passed without nightmares that jerked her awake every few hours to then let her cry herself to sleep. The weight was always lingering there, on her heart, but having Anna so near had been almost therapeutic to her, to the point where she thought with reluctance about the fact that the following night she would have slept on her own.

-

-“Where on Earth were you?”- were the first, worried words Anna heard when she arrived downstairs. Mrs. Hughes was watching her with a questioning look, her hands on her hips.

The younger woman looked down for a moment and muttered an almost silent “It won't happen again, Mrs. Hughes” before walking over to the dining room, where everyone else was already having breakfast. She consumed her meal in a hurry, before going into the boot room. Fortunately, Mary had reassured her she would have eaten with everyone else, so the maid didn't need to bring her a tray.

As soon as she set foot in the room, however, a shiver shook her body to the very core of her being: it was the room where it happened, the room where only hours before so much of her had been taken she was not sure she had anything left. Swallowing, feeling her eyes burning with tears, she went on. If she didn't want anyone to discover her secret she had to behave normally.

It hadn't been more than thirty minutes before she suddenly heard a voice creeping into the room, together with the individual it belonged to.

-“We've had quite our fun in here, didn't we?”-

She paralysed almost immediately, the brush she was using fell on the table while her hands started to shake imperceptibly.

No. No. No. No. No. God, hadn't he had enough of the night before? Wasn't he happy enough with having bruised her soul so deeply already?

A part of her, too hidden and to small, was trying to make her realize that now at least he couldn't do anything, that there were a lot of people and that surely Lord Gillingham was about to leave, but most of her mind was so terrorized, so scarred that as soon as she heard Mr. Green's voice, Anna felt as if life itself had abandoned her.

Gathering up all her strength to try and speak, she begged him:

-“Please, leave me.”-

He chuckled, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

-“Oh, yes, I will leave you just now, but don't forget that Lord Gillingham seems to be very keen on your Lady Mary, so you'll very likely see more of me in the future.”-

She didn't even hear his steps fading in the distance when he walked away. Anna just stood there, like an old doll that no one cares about anymore, shaking and shivering and crying while the light of the sun cursed the rising of another day in her life.

-“Anna?”-

Another voice spoke, masculine, snobbish and curiously worried.

Thomas was staying in the hallway, his eyes fixed on the young woman standing still beside the table. She was crying but did not make a sound, her eyes seemed vacant, empty, transfixed on whatever was in front of her without seeing it. It was such an unusual, distressing sight that even Barrow didn't completely feel at ease. He slowly paced into the room, careful.

-“Care to share with me the reason of your torment?”- despite the choice of words, his tone was not sarcastic in the least. Not that he cared particularly about Anna, but even he knew that showing a little sympathy once in a while didn't hurt.

The maid, however, did not react to his words, at least not immediately. It took her a few seconds, then she slowly shifted her look into Barrow's questioning eyes.

-“No...”- she sniffled a bit, then rapidly wiped the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hands.

-“I'm okay. It's nothing.”- her voice was still cracking at every syllable and she was aware she did not sound convincing, but Thomas had never been the type to care very much and she was sure those few words would have been enough for him.

-“Mh...”-

He walked out of the room but, before proceeding with his morning chores, placed one hand on the door and said, his voice low enough to be heard only by her:

-“If you want to lie to me, that's all right, but don't lie to yourself...”- he took a breath, seemed to ponder his next words for an instant, -“It will only be worse, whatever it is.”- were the last words she heard from him before he disappeared in the hallway.

-

Although not literally, sometimes Mary believed she couldn't bear her father. She had heard his tone a few minutes before, when they were in the library discussing the future of the estate. Despite everything, she loved Downton, she owed her best and worst memories to that house and she could have never seen it passed into someone else's hands.

And then there was her mother and her insinuations regarding Tony Gillingham. She could be so childish sometimes. Then again, a part of Mary believed and knew that her mother only wished the best for her, but in that moment it was her who couldn't think of him that way. It was simply not possible. She could barely see her own son, simply because his eyes and his soft blonde hair were enough to remind her that Matthew was not there. He would have never been there again, apart from her dreams.

She clutched the railing, taking a few deep breaths. Despite her illusions, despite her grandma's wise words about choosing either life or death and despite having chosen life, Mary knew she was bound to remember him until her last living day. Their souls had blended into one a long time before she realized it, because she knew, oh, how she knew what would have happened had she chosen to marry him the first time he asked: they would have surely had the child before, maybe he would have been a bit more aware of his surroundings while coming back from the hospital, most certainly there would have been no car at all.

Mary had chosen her stupid, selfish pride over her feelings and as a result she was now bound to spend an entire life regretting her choices.

-

The train ride to London was dull, mostly filled by Rose's enthusiastic praises about the city and Mary's short, almost always monosyllabic answers, until the younger girl noticed her cousin's evident lack of interest. For a moment, she wanted to ask what was going on, but she realized quickly enough that maybe it would have been better to not bother her and to let the topic fall, returning to the magazine she was reading. It was, however, merely five minutes before she broke the silence, this time to ask gaily:

-“Have you ever hear of a book called _Despised and Rejected?_ ”-

Mary lifted an eyebrow. What an odd title for a book.

-“No, but from the sound of it it doesn't seem very appealing.”-

Rose laughed briefly, before explaining:

-“It was published a few years ago under what was very possibly a pen name. It talks about different kinds of love.”-

-“Hardly any books don't talk about love nowadays. There are so many topics, and yet most writers seem to explore so little.”-

Mary had never been fond of love stories, no matter how famous or well written they could possibly be. She had always preferred Sherlock Holmes to Lady Chatterley, Hercules Poirot to Elizabeth Bennet, but she could have never confessed it to another living soul. To be honest, she did not even have in mind to confess it to Matthew, had it not been for the fact that one night he walked into the room while she was reading, preventing her from hiding the book too promptly. “If someone else comes to know of this, I will find a way to divorce you” she had joked, although the look that followed had forbid Matthew from replying something else other than “Not a word about this will leave my mouth, darling”. He had to admit it: when she wanted, she knew how to be scary, she knew how to use that look in a way that would have made even the best royal guard quiver.

-“Oh, but it does talk about different kinds of love.”- Rose insisted, her tone gaudy and fresh, innocent.

-“Is there more than one kind of love to be bothered with?”- Mary couldn't understand. Obviously, there was not only romantic love, but she doubted a book would spend more than a few sentences at most over love between son and mother, or brother and sister. It did not attract enough audience, she considered.

-“Homosexual, for instance.”-

Mary almost choked. She couldn't believe Rose had spoken those words so naturally, as if that kind of love was like any other. Her heartbeat accelerated for an instant while she responded:

-“How can you be so daring, speaking of such a subject as if we were discussing about our next dress? Topics like that don't suit the mouth of a lady, Rose.”-

The younger woman's smile faded from her features, her eyes discouraged from meeting Mary's for a few instants, during which they preferred to explore the landscapes running before them through the window. Then she took a deep breath, and replied:

-“What is so wrong about it?”-

-“It's not natural.”- she couldn't believe she was speaking of such things. Her cheeks pinked a little with embarrassment while she tried to hold the conversation with a worthy dominance, as her usual.

-“Who says it? The Bible?”- now her tone was more defiant and less insecure. Rose's objective, in that moment, seemed to be that of winning the argument, regardless of who was her contestant.

-“Everyone does.”- Mary was not exactly a pure believer herself, so she wanted to avoid bringing in arguments she knew she couldn't have defended.

-“I must believe you, my dear cousin, are intelligent enough to have your own ideas, without the need for borrowing from others.”- she tried to soften her tone, in order to let Mary understand that she didn't wish to insult her by any means.

That girl was dangerously daring, Mary thought. Wit had always been her talent, it was her who always had the last word, her who always won every argument, her who rejoiced in the defeat of others when compared to her intelligence. She felt a burning sensation in her chest, the need to win that battle of words making itself more and more present by the second.

-“I feel no need to borrow from anyone whatsoever. I do have my own ideas about the matter and they pair with common sense, a word that I believe must not be among your most considered ones. Men should not lie with men, that's it.”-

-“And what about women?”-

Rose was cherishing in that back and forth more than she cared to admit and, although she adored Mary, this conversation was leading her to discover something about the woman she never thought she might know.

Mary swallowed, feeling her cheeks burning and her palms wet.

-“It doesn't change the matter. It is not right for men as it is not for women.”-

-“Would you have the same thoughts should you happen to be the subject of such love?”- the battle had just turned into a war, from which one of the two parties would have left the field victorious while the other was rotting in the earth.

-“How dare you be so impertinent?”- she almost exclaimed, taken aback by such an inquiry. The vein on her neck was standing out, her eyes widened slightly while her brows narrowed for a moment. She felt blood burning through her veins as if ready to turn into fire and flames. The topic itself was not pleasant to discuss, but to make a similar accusation was simply reckless.

Rose seemed to reflect for an instant. She had weighted her words before speaking them, so she was aware of the risk she was walking into, but she didn't wish in the least to cause such a state of wrath in her cousin. On the other hand, a part of her was wondering about why Mary seemed so angered.

-“I'm sorry, I did not mean to enrage you. Forgive my insolence, if you can.”-

Mary breathed out and with that air went most of her bitterness, recognizing only now that maybe she had been too harsh with the girl. She was younger, more naïve and surely did not mean any harm with her question.

She sighed.

-“I'm sorry, too. I'm tired, It was not in my intention to be so...aggressive, in my tone.”-

After that, the rest of the journey continued in silence. She was glad Tom had to catch another train because of some affairs in town: otherwise she doubted she would have heard the end of this before their arrival.

-

Could it be possible to feel one's heart shivering? She knew she could feel that, she knew she could sense every vein of her body drenched with fear and terror, now that they were in London more than ever. Who knows, she could have met him in the streets. Maybe he knew that she was there and he would have found a way to crawl into the house while everyone was asleep that same night.

-“Anna?”-

Mary's voice called her, startling her from her own thoughts.

-“Yes, milady.”- the maid swiftly returned to the search for her Lady's gloves, which seemed nowhere to be seen despite Anna being totally sure she had put them in the case before they left.

-“You seem to be somewhere else, really.”- Mary approached the other woman, who had stood up but for some reason unknown to her was purposely avoiding her gaze.

-“Is something the matter?”-

A brief smile redesigned her mouth before she answered:

-“Not at all, milady. Only, I can't seem to find the long gloves and I'm sure I put them in the case.”-

Mary let her eyes land on the opened bag as she quickly examined its contents: the accessory was actually nowhere to be seen. She turned again to the woman and stated that it was nothing to worry about, that she would have bought another pair of gloves the following day. Anna, however, did not seem cheered up in the least by the consolation.

-“Whoever he was, he can't come here.”-

It was not a reassurance, it was a statement. Her voice was clear and confident and she would have been ready to swear those words by her own life had she been asked to.

-“You can't be sure, milady.”- the tone appeared cold and bitter, almost careless to the general ear, but Mary knew better: in all those years of company, she had come to be able to discern many different shades of Anna's voice. She sighed, then took another step forward and placed both her hands on Anna's shoulders, making her jump a bit.

-“You are right, I can't be sure. No one can be. Still...”- Mary pondered on her offer for a few seconds before proceeding -“You could sleep with me. I will only stay here one night and, to be fair, I don't think that anyone would look for you here.”- they had slept together the night of Anna's attack, which had been not more than a week before and from what she could recall her maid hadn't seemed to be entirely in disagreement with the situation. Moreover, Mary felt a constant need to give Anna as much warmth and comfort as she could master, seen all the occasions throughout the years during which it had been Anna who had offered her a shoulder to cry upon.

The maid lifted one eyebrow for a moment and, even though she made sure not even Mary could notice it, she let a trifling smile dance on her features. Although it seemed strange to admit, she had enjoyed the sensation of Mary's body next to hers that night, which all things considered was more than unusual: she barely allowed anyone to touch her and was easily frightened almost everytime someone talked to her without first making their presence known. And yet, with Mary, all fear seemed an hallucination. She figured it must have been because the lady had been the first person after the incident to speak kindly to her and to take her into her arms, albeit once thinking about it she was not entirely sure that should have been her first reaction.

-“Are you sure, milady?”- she couldn't reject her immediately, not even with her whole willpower.

-“Quite sure. I'll see you tonight.”- and with that, Mary dismissed her.

-

*******

-“Sorry to keep you waiting, but Anna couldn't find-”- she abruptly interrupted her apologies, surprised by who was standing before her. Tony Gillingham's charming smile appeared for a moment on his face before he observed, noticing Mary's confounded look:

-“I hope I'm a surprise and not a shock.”- one hand run briefly through his hair, more in nervousness than anything else.

-“Well, you're certainly unexpected.”- was Mary's reply, though she herself could not say whether it should have been a cunning remark or an honest affirmation. Nonetheless, she was pleased to see Anthony: apart from Tom, he was the only person in that room she could have gladly conversed with.

After a few minutes of formal chattering, the small group left Rosamund's elegant home and went to a jazz club just a few miles east. It was a night darker than most, the sky partially covered by a duvet of clouds and the moon's shine so weak it almost seemed ill. The car advanced through the streets, albeit jolting a bit where the pavement was irregular, while its hosts sat in silence, only seemingly broken by the loud voices from the outside. London was always so lively, but that night to Mary it only appeared lousy and far too chaotic for her tastes. When they finally arrived at the club, a part of her prayed to never get out of the car. However, a sense of decency and politeness prevented her from doing so.

The Lotus Club was incredibly hot. Inside, the smell of liquor and smoke invaded the air, together with the sound of too many voices talking loudly over each other.

Rose seemed far too enthusiastic about the people and the noise surrounding her, so much that as soon as they arrived at the tables the young woman took John Bullock's sweaty hand, drawing him to the dance floor under the notes of April Showers and starting to dance with him, oblivious of how drunk the man was. Mary watched her and for a moment she had to repress the instinct to smile: she envied how naïve and happy and young Rose was, how beautiful and sweet was her life, the joie de vivre that seemed to be at the very core of her soul.

-“I hope you don't mind my ambushing you like this”- Tony smiled, offering his hand and inviting her to dance with him. Mary rose from her seat, knowing that dancing was at that moment the only way she could have been distracted from the boredom that was already threatening her.

-“It was Mama and Aunt Rosamund who ambushed me”- she observed, a drop of poison in her voice.

-“And I'm glad you came.”- she then decided to add, now more sincere.

-“Really?”-Tony raised an eyebrow for a moment, seemingly surprised by Mary's assertion. He was certainly happy to see her, but he remained a little resilient to the thought that Mary's words weren't only spoken to please him. He wouldn't have expected less, from her.

-“Absolutely. When I'm in Downton I feel so weighed down, as if I were stuck at school at the rest of my life.”- to confess him that the actual reason why she felt that way while at home was that she could almost hear Matthew's laughs resounding through the corridors and see Matthew's face in every corner, every time she closed her eyes did not seem a bright idea to carry on the conversation, she reflected.

-“But tonight you made me play truant, and I like it.”-

They waited a moment, letting the singer's voice fill the air around them with its sweet notes.

-“Can I see you again before you go?”- Tony's eyes were pleading Mary to say yes, to the point where she genuinely felt a sting of pain when she answered.

-“How? The meeting's at noon and then we go straight to the station.”- 'I'm sorry', she wanted to add, but thankfully her pride neglected that thought.

-“Oh...”-

How could he seem so disappointed by her answer? Did he really want to see her again? God, he was engaged with a woman who loved him! How could he care so little for his future wife?

-“And, anyway, you've told me you're engaged to be married.”- she reminded him cheekily.

-“Almost engaged.”-

That underlining made her throat burn with rage, but she managed to choke down the otherwise unkind words that would have left her lips.

-“Almost is good enough for me.”-

Tony perceived the sharpness of her tone. He pressed his lips together, deciding he wouldn't have spoken any longer if not directed to. However, Mary spoke again, unknowingly pervading his soul with her voice; he only had to see if her words would have been daggers or balm.

-“And even if you weren't the truth is...I'm not ready and I won't be for some years.”-

He knew it, and yet he felt the daggers. Obviously she wouldn't have been ready. As much as it hurt to think about it, he grasped the concept of Mary's love for Matthew, for he believed he loved her in that same way. But she had to move on, didn't she? It had been more than half an year, she could certainly be happy with someone else.

-“I don't believe that.”- he smirked, maybe too sure of himself.

-“Don't misunderstand me. It's been lovely, here and at Downton. I feel quite refreshed. But now it's time to go back to real life.”-

*******

-

She was incredibly tired during the ride back to Rosamund's home. To be honest, she had to fight to keep her eyes open and engage herself in some chatter with Rose and Tom to avoid falling asleep on the seat of the car. When she finally saw the house appear behind a corner, she silently thanked God.

\---

-“How was the evening, milady?”-

Anna's voice seemed to come from a distance despite the woman being behind her, softly brushing her hair.

-“Quite all right, I suppose. The truth is, I'm only tired, it might not be ladylike to say but all I want to do in this moment is lay down in bed.”-

Only then the thought came on her mind.

-“Have you already brought your nightgown?”- she rose from her seat and looked around to try and find the clothing, noticing it only because the maid herself pointed to the object, folded on the arm of a chair in the corner of the room.

-“Yes, milady.”-

-“Well then, go and change. I'll wait for you in bed.”- Mary stated with a smile, sincere albeit tired.

Anna bowed lightly and followed her directions disappearing into the adjacent room for a couple of minutes. When she came back in, Mary immediately looked at her and smiled again, then asked:

-“Would you mind keeping the window slightly ajar? I know this is London and all, but I really can't sleep with a room that has no fresh air in it.”-

-“I'm not sure I would define London's air in those terms, milady.”- was Anna's keen remark, which provoked a muffled laugh on her lady's part.

-“Me neither, to be honest, but I'm afraid I can't help it.”-

The younger woman smiled, then walked over to the bed and, once she was under the covers, laid on her left side so that she could face Mary. A few moments after, the lights went out. Anna was already opening her mouth to bid her lady goodnight when she felt the woman's hand touching hers.

Mary would have hardly behaved like that with her own sister, but to share the bed with a servant, to comfort her and be so near her was simply scandalous. Still, this was Anna and try releasing her from her demons was simply human, beyond social classes.

-“Know you're safe.”- Mary whispered, and for a moment the terror that had begun to grip Anna's heart slackened. Reasonably she couldn't have been safer, yet a part of her was screaming that now Mr. Green knew that Mary was in London and surely he must have connected the dots.

-“I know it, milady.”-

-

The night wore on, cold and dark above London. Anna was sleeping, her right hand still resting in Mary's, when she heard a creak. She had always had a light sleep, so that sound was enough to wake her up. She turned and faced the open window, where the noise had come from, and was met with the most dreadful sight she could think of: Mr. Green was there. He had evidently used a ladder of some sort to reach a window so high and now there he was. Grinning, his eyes shining in the moonlight with a demonic smile painted in them.

-“Hello, my dear Anna.”- he whispered, and despite it being only a whisper she heard his voice as though he was screaming in her ears. She looked over to Mary, but for some reason she was not there anymore.

Her breath grew quicker and quicker, but she wasn't able to move. A tremor filled her body and shook her violently as the man approached her, repeating the sentence -“I'm going to kill you, but you'll live through it.”-, always with the same tone, laughing each time a bit more.

-“No...no...no...”- it couldn't be. How could it be? What was happening? She found herself almost unable to breathe, her cheeks wet with tears and her voice reduced to a whimper.

He wasn't there. It was not possible.

-“Anna...”-

He wasn't there. It couldn't have been possible.

-“Anna...”-

He wasn't there. She prayed it to be impossible.

-“Anna!”-

Mary.

Anna gasped for air, feeling her lungs burn. Beside her, Mary was clenching her hand harder than she should have, but to be fair panic was having the best of her as well.

The maid was shivering like a stray dog on the most bitter of all winter's nights, breathing in heavily from her mouth. This time, Mary placed a hand on Anna's cheek and pressed her lips on her forehead, wiping away the tears with her thumb.

-“You are safe, Anna. You are safe.”- she repeated, expecting the maid to push her away like she had done the first time. This once, however, Anna didn't react harshly and even better, her breaths steadied much more quickly as she felt Mary's presence near her.

As she breathed out, her mind slowly became clearer and she was able to discern dream from reality again.

-“Has it been like this every night?”- Mary asked, a glint of worry betraying the apparent composure of her voice.

-“No, not every night.”- her voice was feeble, exhausted. Although it was probably not the truth, Mary understood that now it was not the moment to talk about it. She didn't go any further with the questions and held her maid in her arms, gently fondling her hair.

Anna smiled, though her mind was occupied with a thought that hadn't really left her since the first time she had slept near her lady: it was impossibly wrong. A future Countess sharing the bed with a maid would have caused at least as much scandal as the story of a certain Turkish diplomat she wasn't eager to remember. Then again, she reminded herself, Mary was trying to help her through rough times and to be completely honest, she didn't think she could carry on without knowing that a part, no matter how small, of Mary's heart desired to see her happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked what you read!  
> If you did, please leave a comment / kudo, it really helps me going on.  
> Thanks!


	3. Sonnet 14

_I'll kill myself._

That was what Mrs. Hughes remembered and kept thinking about every time she saw Anna in the corridors, walking quickly and keeping her eyes fixed to the pavement. If there was any chance that Anna was with child, she would have ended her life and no matter how optimistic she might be, the housekeeper couldn't help but doubt that those words weren't only a mere exaggeration. 

That day, when she had returned from London, the woman seemed to be even more distressed and almost passive to what happened around her, so much that for a moment Mrs. Hughes thought she must have met him again. No, it couldn't be possible. Even the cruelest of fates must have mercy sometimes, especially if its victim was one of the gentlest souls that had ever laid foot on Earth.

-“How was London?”- she dared to ask when she found her alone in the boot room, polishing insistently Lady Mary's riding boots, though they had not been recently used.

-“All right.”-

-“Did something happen?”-

-“Why?”- the woman's question seemed genuine, which slightly reassured Mrs. Hughes.

-“I don't know, only you look even more worried than when I last saw you.”- 

The young maid took a deep breath in, gently putting the brush on the table. It was probably true, since she hadn't been able to stop thinking about the nightmare she had had while she was in London. Then again, she didn't consider that someone might have noticed.

-“It's nothing, Mrs. Hughes.”-

-“I don't believe so. However, if you prefer to keep it to yourself I won't be the one to force you to say anything.”- she was already turning around in order to leave the room when a faint whisper came to her ears.

-“It's...”- 

Anna was shaken, her hands had begun trembling lightly and her breaths were accelerating. Without a second thought, Mrs. Hughes stepped in and closed the door behind her, not thinking that someone else might have seen her.

-“What?”- the housekeeper held Anna's hands in hers, trying to comfort the woman.

-“I...I dreamt about him, Mrs. Hughes...”- there was a shiver in her voice, but for the moment it didn't stop her.

-“The window was open and in my dreams I saw him crawling up from the outside and entering the room and I wasn't able to do anything and...”- _if it hadn't been for Mary I would have probably died of a heart attack that night._ Although she clearly couldn't say it, nothing could have been truer. But how could she explain to Mrs. Hughes that they had slept together without making her frown? It didn't matter that it was not for a romantic purpose, the affair was simply indecent. Fortunately, her tears prevented her from providing any further details about how the night had continued and the older woman didn't want to force her, so she didn't push her to end the sentence.

-“Oh my dear...he can't hurt you now, I hope you know it.”-

-“None of us can be certain of it.”- was the cold, last sentence Mrs. Hughes heard from her before Anna abruptly left the room. Sighing, the housekeeper walked out as well, noticing the back of a footman disappearing into another hallway. For a moment she thought someone had heard them, but then she reminded herself that the thick wooden doors couldn't have left the slightest sound pass through them when properly closed.

\---

*******

-“Are we living under a curse, doomed to lose our ladies' maids at regular intervals? Anna, did you know about this?”- Lord Grantham was utterly irritated while speaking about his wife's maid, who had just given in her notice. 

The question forced the young woman to hold back her thoughts for a moment to answer him, even though she couldn't bring herself to speak: she simply gestured negatively with her head, looking down at Her Ladyship's gloves.

Robert seemed to dismiss the almost non-existent answer at first, but Anna appeared to be keeping herself to herself more than her usual in those days. Something was off.

-“Is anything the matter?”-

If she could have done it without immediately losing her job and the hope of a reference, she would have screamed that yes, something was the matter and she couldn't bear it any longer, because it was aching in her chest as if her heart was about to explode. But she couldn't say any of that, of course.

-“No, milord.”- she lifted her head and looked him in the eyes while answering, fearing that her voice alone would have uncovered the uncertainty in her tone.

-“You seem very quiet lately.”-

-“Oh, it's nothing.”- Anna forced a polite smile on her face, before giving the gloves to Her Ladyship. -“Will that be all, milady?”-

-“Yes, thank you.”- Cora seemed more concerned than her husband while she answered, setting a questioning look on the maid as she left the room.

-“Did they tell you Tony Gillingham asked himself for the night?”- Robert inquired, turning his attention back to his wife. He so hoped that Anthony and Mary would become a couple, despite knowing that her daughter was still under the shadow of Matthew's death. Nevertheless, she couldn't stay a widow for all her life and Tony seemed a perfect choice to match Mary's character.

-“They have.”- she smiled, obviously sharing her husband's thoughts. -“We must try not to read too much into it.”-

*******

\---

-“He asked me to marry him!”- 

Mary sounded almost annoyed by the memory of it, looking up at the mirror to meet her maid's blue eyes, now a little widened in surprise.

-“I honestly don't know what he expected. We've properly met each other only a few days ago, he surely can't think I am as easy as that.”- she was frustrated and Anna could perfectly notice it. Though she managed to hide it, Mary's tone had made her chuckle.

-“I'm sure he doesn't, milady.”-

-“Then why ask me after only a week? He says he loves me but sincerely I don't know how much of that I really believe.”-

-“Why don't you?”-

-“Because love can't grow so quickly in such a short time.”- she rose from her seat and turned to face the woman, who was in the process of folding the dress she had worn that evening.

-“You don't believe in love at first sight?”-

-“It's a thing of novels. I have loved, and dearly, but it was not at first sight at all.”- she smiled for a moment, cursing herself the next for having brought up the topic. She thought she could spend at least one day without the thought of him pressing on her chest like a rock, but apparently it wasn't possible. 

-“I dare say we all remember the first months when Mr. Crawley was at Downton.”-

Mary forced herself to smile again, but the effort was miserable. She sat on the side of the bed and brought one hand to her mouth, fighting with all her will against the tears. Anna noticed, and to be honest she felt partly guilty: if she hadn't asked that question about love the topic would have never been broached.

-“I'm ever so sorry, milady.”- she said, lowering her eyes to the ground and yet not moving from where she was standing. 

-“Don't be, it's not your fault if I...can't...”-

The maid laid the garments on the footboard and walked over to Mary, gently placing one hand on her cheek while the other rested on her shoulder. The woman instantly brought her left hand to meet the back of Anna's, pushing ever so slightly against her palm. She did not think of it as often as she should, but she was extremely lucky to have someone like Anna at her side, always ready to be her ally and to let her cry on her shoulder when she needed to, which during those months had happened more times than she cared to mention.

The young maid took her in her embrace, gently stroking the back of her neck with her fingers; it hurt her to see a woman she had known for so many years and who had proven so many times to be the strongest person in the household torn apart by grief. Sometimes the world was unjust and when it was the miseries always touched those who less deserved them; Mary Crawley was certainly among them, despite what people may think.

-“It's going to be all right, milady...”- she whispered faintly into her hear.

-“Am I ever going to be free of him?”-

-“I believe eventually you will.”-

Mary chuckled lightly, then slowly broke the hug and confessed:

-“It's certainly not usual for an English to...have this much physical contact just for the sake of empathy.”-

-“I dare say it's unusual for an English to show any empathy at all, milady. But sometimes we need it and if it can make us feel better then there's no point in denying it.”- she smiled and tilted her head slightly to the left, before taking the dress in her hands again and moving closer to the door.

-“Will that be all, milady?”-

-“Yes. Thank you, Anna.”- Mary said, making sure to let her maid understand that she truly was grateful for what she had done. Once she left, Mary immediately switched off the lights and curled up in the bed, but it took her a while to fall asleep: she kept thinking about the moment when Anna had taken her into her arms and how beautiful that sensation felt. It had warmed her, to feel that someone outside of her family cared for her to that level. Of course, Carson was always on top of the list, but he wasn't with her as much as Anna was. There was something familiar in that sensation, she recognized she had felt it before though she could not put her finger on when.

\---

Thank God.

Considering all the pain and the weakness that came with it, Anna had never thought she would have been so grateful for her period, but that meant she wasn't pregnant. It was the first spark of good news she had had since that night, which said a lot about how her life had been for the past weeks.

She left the bathroom and straightened her black skirt, thinking that no matter how cruel it was she was grateful she wouldn't need to kill an innocent child. Because she would have killed it, together with herself. The question about abandoning her life was not fully resolved yet: she had told Mrs. Hughes that she would have committed suicide in case there was a baby, but she was afraid she only needed a plausible reason to do it and now the baby couldn't offer an excuse.

Deciding to withdraw her thoughts, she went into the kitchen with her sewing kit and sat at a table, deciding to mend one of Mary's riding gowns, when Baxter walked into the room, bringing some jewelry to polish with her. Anna kept her eyes on what she was doing, hoping that the other woman didn't want to talk. Her hopes, however, faded quickly.

-“May I ask what happened to you?”-

Anna’s heart sank. What? Did she know? How could she? Had she seen something? Had she heard the discussion with Mrs. Hughes? She lifted her head with an impassible expression on her features and only then noticed that Baxter was pointing to her forehead.

-“I simply felt dizzy and slipped, that’s all.”-

-“When was it?”-

-“During the concert, a few weeks ago.”- Anna prayed she didn’t have to talk anymore, but the other lady’s maid seemed of a different opinion.

-“And it’s still so visible? Are you sure there is no chance it might be anything else?”-

-“Yes. Quite sure.”-

-“Did the doctor have a chance to look at it?”-

-“It’s nothing. Really.”- she puffed lightly and rose from her seat, deciding she would have gone somewhere else to finish what she was doing. Baxter followed her movements with a compassionate look until the young woman was out of the room. Even though it was not her place to think so, it was not hard at all to imagine what had really happened to her. During her years of service she had seen many women ruined and wretched by men, whether it was valets or butlers who couldn’t keep their hands in place or even Lords who forced maids to some duties beyond their paychecks. However, from what she had had the chance to see Lord Grantham didn’t seem one of those and Thomas was obviously out of the question. Had it been the husband of late Lady Sybil? Or another footman, or even a hall boy? Whoever was to be held responsible, the matter had passed and now all that remained was a woman who appeared more like an empty shell rather than a living and breathing human being.

-“What are you thinking?”-

Thomas’s slimy voice slithered into her ears, mostly unwanted.

-“Nothing.”-

-“You know something, am I right? Something about Miss. Smith.”- there was a smile developing on his lips, though she could not think of the reason why. 

-“Even if I did, what good would it bring to you?”- 

Immediately after the words left her mouth, she bit her tongue, realizing she had just betrayed herself. She was now sure the footman wouldn’t have left her alone until she had given him an answer. 

-“What good? In houses like this knowing secrets means having privileges. You should know.”-

Baxter swallowed, remembering the part of her life that had stayed in the dark when Her Ladyship had hired her. Thomas however owned that knowledge and a part of their agreement was that she would have provided him with as much information as she could master, while in exchange he wouldn’t have said a word to their employers.

-“I don’t have to tell you.”-

-“You know, the thing is...”- he paced around the room for a bit and then took a seat in front of her.

-“A while ago I heard an interesting conversation between Mrs. Hughes and Anna, in the boot room. She was telling her about having had bad dreams while she and Lady Mary were in London, but why would Mrs. Hughes even care?”-

-“You know, Thomas...”- she rose from her seat and picked up her things, alerted by the sound of Her Ladyship's bell, -“...sometimes it’s better not knowing some things. I am sure you can live without having all your questions answered.”- that said, she quickly left the room. Thomas puffed, now more than ever firm on his quest: he didn’t know what he would have done after, but he had to know and, after all, Baxter knew perfectly what he could have used against her.

\---

She didn’t know how it had happened, but Mary had been left alone with her granny in the library after everyone else had gradually withdrawn. She naturally wasn’t displeased about it, she loved Violet with her whole heart, but her often sharp remarks were not something she was very fond of. However, when she sat on the armchair holding in her hands another cup of tea, the elder woman asked, sweetly:

-“How are you, my dear?”- 

Mary smiled, remembering how she had been the one to see through her pain almost three months prior and to led her towards the path of life again. She knew she couldn’t have been more grateful to anyone other than her.

-“I am well, granny. Honestly well.”- and, despite what one may think, it was true. She had become the agent of the estate and that sure offered a great distraction for her mind, although when thinking about it she was still quite concerned for Anna. A strange feeling cursed through her body as soon as the young maid appeared in her mind’s eye. She swallowed and recomposed herself quickly enough.

-“I am happy for you if you are well, Mary. And remember, don’t think you can’t be happy anymore.”-

-“Is this the same advice you gave to Isobel?”-

-“And I’m glad she followed it. Now, if you’ll excuse me-”- she rose from her seat while Jimmy walked towards the door to hold it open. Mary followed her, deciding she was going to go read into her room for some time, considering the gong was not more than an hour away.

While walking upstairs, while entering her bedroom, while looking around to find the book she was reading, Mary couldn’t ignore the growing sensation of something that seemed to be devouring her chest, yet it was all but painful. Nonetheless, she didn’t understand what it was, she couldn’t have full control over it and she despised the thought of being subdued to a feeling. This, of course, wasn’t helped by what she had chosen to read that evening.

Golden letters were impressed on the dark cover, reading “Shakespeare’s Poems & Sonnets”. The pleasing smell of paper and leather filled the air around the book, lightly inebriating Mary’s senses. She opened it on a casual page, ready to let her mind be filled by the poet’s words.

 **Sonnet 14**.

_Not from the stars do I my judgement pluck;_

_And yet methinks I have Astronomy,_

_But not to tell of good or evil luck,_

_Of plagues, of dearths, or seasons' quality;_

_Nor can I fortune to brief minutes tell,_

_Pointing to each his thunder, rain and wind,_

_Or say with princes if it shall go well_

_By oft predict that I in heaven find:_

She had always loved astronomy, it fascinated her beyond measure. She had read various academic papers on the matter and when thinking about it she still remembered how she became so interested in the subject even though she had never been taught it by anyone: it had been a gardener that was with the Abbey when she and her sisters were still little. The few times she had managed to sneak out of the castle without supervision there was always an old gardener who, to prevent her from running around too much, had begun telling her stories about the Universe, about how it all started, about the newest discoveries that were made every year. Even when Robert had discovered her, she prayed him to let her stay with the old gardener for a little longer and, a while later, through promises of good behavior, she had managed to be allowed a night walk far from the castle and its light accompanied by the gardener, who showed her the beauty of the stars for the first time. He had died less than a year later, but the passion he had engraved in her heart remained immensely powerful. 

She smiled at the memory, laying eyes on the open page to finish the sonnet.

_But from thine eyes my knowledge I derive,_

_And, constant stars, in them I read such art_

_As truth and beauty shall together thrive,_

_If from thyself, to store thou wouldst convert;_

_Or else of thee this I prognosticate:_

_Thy end is truth's and beauty's doom and date._

Eyes to derive knowledge from. What an astonishing, beautiful image. And yet she couldn’t avoid thinking that for her the moment when she could derive all knowledge from her lover’s eyes had passed and would have never returned, for she knew, it would have been impossible for her to love again as intensely as she had loved Matthew. His eyes alone could be compared to constant stars, to sources of truth and beauty from which she could have lived her whole life. 

Then, suddenly, someone entered the room.

Mary lifted her gaze, fairly annoyed by the nuisance. 

_But from thine eyes my knowledge I derive._

To her astonishment, she had just rediscovered a meaning to those words. From the page to which they had been constricted for so long, they bloomed and filled every inch of her soul.

Ice blue eyes were holding her prisoner, awakening in her something so strong and so pure she shivered at the intensity of her own feelings.

Suddenly, she felt like a fool and a poet altogether and had to keep herself from screaming and writing about the virtues and the grace which resided in those eyes. Despite being of the same colour as the coldest ice, they seemed to invite anyone who looked at them to bask in their warmth, to be lulled by their kindness, to be taught by their wisdom. For a moment, Mary felt absurdly driven to tears by the wonder she was witnessing, believing it to be of celestial nature.

-“Oh, I’m sorry milady, I thought you were downstairs.”- Anna apologized, laying on the bed the dress Mary would have worn that night.

The woman remained silent for a moment, then breathed in to try and regain her posture.

-“Don’t worry. Has the gong rung yet?”-

-“Not yet, milady.”- she smiled politely, then asked:

-“Is there anything I can do for you?”-

-“No. Thank you, Anna.”- 

As soon as the maid left, Mary rose from her seat and started pacing around the room nervously, before finally sitting on the chair in front of the mirror and meeting her own reflection. 

She was suddenly reminded of the conversation she had had with Rose while on the train to London, when the younger girl had asked her opinion about a kind of love she thought she would have never even been involved in. It was mindless, it couldn’t be love. She had known love for so long and her soul still ached whenever she thought of Matthew, but now there seemed to be a new spark, a new feeling that was staining her, albeit being not nearly as strong as what she felt for her late husband. Yet, there it was. Almost annoying, she would say, was it not for the fact that now whenever she thought of Anna she felt a strange kind of warmth broadening around her heart.

Suddenly, tears filled her eyes. She could never be allowed to have such feelings for a person like Anna. It was simply not right and she already was damaged goods, she didn’t want to be seen as a pariah, deprecated and laughed at. It wasn’t who she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying reading this story as much as I am doing writing it!  
> If so, leave a comment / kudo, it might seem like nothing to you but it brights every writer up to see that little notification when there is a new comment on their story.


	4. Unusual Questions

*******

-“Mr. Napier.”- announced Carson in his gentle, baritone voice.

Mary instantly put the pen down and rose from her seat, surprised by the guest.

-“What?”- 

The man smiled politely, then took a few steps towards her and spoke.

-“Hello, Mary. I can still call you Mary?”- 

-“Of course you can! How lovely.”- she placed a kiss on Evelyn’s right cheek, honestly happy to see him. With all that was happening inside and around her, a friendly face was the best thing she could ask for.

-“What brings you here?”-

-“I’m working on a government thing and we’ve got some research to do in Yorkshire. I’m on a sort of...reconnoitring expedition.”- he brought his hands together, now seemingly a bit sheepish.

-“Lucky me...”- the woman kept her smile on her lips to let him understand that she was not being in any way sarcastic.

-“I was in Thirsk and I suddenly thought ‘Why not take a chance?’ ”-

-“Well, I’m so glad you did. Let me get you some tea.”- she walked towards the bell pull. -“I’ll get them to tell Mama and Papa that you’re here.”-

-“While I got you alone...”- Napier took some steps towards her and, as he did so, Mary already knew at least in part what he was going to say. 

-“You’ve been in my thoughts a great deal since the whole...ghastly business...”-

How to forget it? She feared the memory of what had happened that night would have haunted her until the last of her breaths. Nonetheless, it had happened almost nine years before.

-“That’s nice to know.”- 

-“Which is why is lovely to see you look so, uhm...”- a few seconds weren’t useful to him for some other words to come to his mind. -“...lovely.”-

Mary smiled gently and lowered her eyes to the ground in an attempt to seem flattered. On one side she was, of course, but on the other she was tired of hearing suitor after suitor praising her and expect her to accept their compliments as if her husband hadn’t died eight months before. 

What a mockery: she didn’t accept the gentle praises of men and yet she was...something, with a woman. 

Before she could think of an answer, James walked into the room.

-“Ah, James, could we have a tea for four?”-

-“Yes, milady.”- was the footman’s answer before he disappeared again.

*******

\---

 _Sometimes it’s better not knowing some things._ Thomas thought of Baxter’s affirmation whenever he caught a glimpse of Anna and to be honest, he wasn’t quite sure why a part of him seemed to care so much about a person he never had an interest in. However, what Baxter had said mixed with Anna’s odd behaviour lately was intriguing him and with the fact that downstairs nothing ever happened, he didn’t mind having something to distract him. 

Anna was sitting across the room from him, mending as usual, her eyes fixed on her work.

-“Is it still hurting?”- he asked, savoring on his lips the taste of the cigarette he had just finished.

Anna glanced at him, slightly surprised by the fact that Thomas Barrow was questioning her about her health.

-“It was nothing, it’s almost healed.”-

-“Mh...”- he studied her for a moment, then suddenly remembered the condition in which she had found her a month prior, the morning after the concert, crying in the boot room.

-“You’re still of the opinion not to let me know what happened in the boot room?”-

He was referring to her crying, but Anna’s mind forgot they even had that encounter in that place. Once again, her heart started to race in her chest, but she was controlled enough at least not to pinch herself with the needle. 

-“What do you mean?”- her voice was much less steady than her hands.

-“I found you crying in there, if you remember.”-

-“Oh...”- 

Right.

-“Probably something silly, don’t mind me.”-

-“You know, I remember seeing you going downstairs during the concert, but I can’t think why Mr. Green wouldn’t have called for Mrs. Hughes.”-

-“What?”- her eyes widened involuntarily as she felt the familiar sensation of tears coming. 

-“Mr. Green, Lord Gillingham’s valet. I saw him coming downstairs for a while but when he returned he didn’t seem worried in the least. He must have seen you on the floor, right?”-

Anna would have wanted to move so desperately, but it seemed like she was stuck to the chair, unable to do anything. To think about the fact that one single name had that much power over her was something she genuinely loathed, but it couldn’t be helped. She swallowed, struggling to regain her posture, but remained silent, unsure about what she could have said.

-“To be fair, he even seemed-”- he stopped himself just in time, the realization flashing into his mind. From what he could remember, Mr. Green appeared satisfied and suddenly Thomas knew why. The fact that he had followed Anna in less than a minute, the time they had spent downstairs, the valet’s grin when he returned to the concert, Anna’s bruises, her behaviour. The footman felt disgusted.

-“You didn’t feel dizzy at all that night, did you?”- 

Anna lowered her eyes, her lower lip trembling. However, much like a miracle, Mary’s bell rung at that very moment and the maid quickly left the room, thanking God for the chance. Sooner or later she supposed she would have had to speak with Thomas again, but she was just glad it wouldn’t have been at that moment.

The footman followed her with his eyes as she exited the room and almost ran up the stairs, sincerely sorry. He knew the feeling all to well to be honest and he wouldn’t have wanted it to be felt by anyone. 

\---

When Anna arrived at Mary’s bedroom door, she breathed in and out a few times before entering, not really eager to let her employer into her private life’s problems more than she had already done.

As soon as the door opened, Mary lifted her eyes from the book and rose from her seat, ready not only to be dressed but to test herself as well: during the afternoon she had concluded that what she thought she felt for her maid must have been some sort of illusion caused by the fact that, coincidentally, her eyes were more or less the same colour as Matthew’s and while reading the sonnet she had been so affected by its words that her mind hadn’t been able to distinguish truth from thought when Anna had walked in, thus connecting the eyes she was reading about with her maid’s and not with her late husband’s. It was logical.

-“Good evening, milady.”- 

-“Hello, Anna. Tell me, have you sent the riding boots to the shoe shop in town yet?”- 

-“I should be able to pick them up tomorrow, milady.”-

Mary smiled, watching the maid laying her evening dress on the bed. There was a kind of grace in her movements which she had never really noticed before, as if she were afraid to hurt even an inanimate object. The woman breathed in, a quiet and somehow thick sensation pressing on her stomach while she examined Anna, but was abruptly stopped by the maid herself, who walked towards her and started the process of the undressing; natural, automatic after all those years and yet now something seemed terribly different. Mary almost shivered when the servant touched her, helping her out of the dress she was wearing. She had to keep her mind occupied with something else. Family affairs? The estate? Mr. Napier? All interesting, but nothing that could take her mind far enough from the reality of the situation. Especially not when Anna started to regulate the shoulder pads of her corset, running her fingers on Mary’s skin. 

How had she been so blind to all those sensations before? The lightness of her maid’s touch, the smoothness of her fingers almost made her quiver. Fortunately, she had always been wonderful at hiding feelings and emotions and that was no exception. She kept silent until Anna had finished dressing her, but then suddenly felt the urge to speak, though she was not completely sure why.

-“Anna...”- Mary began, not knowing how she would have continued. She only knew she needed to break the silence and to keep a conversation going.

-“Yes, milady?”- 

Thinking about it, Anna happened to have a lovely accent. She was born in Yorkshire but, not being part of the noble class, she had never been taught to speak like a proper lady. 

-“Where are you from, exactly?”- it was the first question that sprung to her mind, but a question nonetheless.

Anna raised an eyebrow, slightly startled, but answered nonetheless.

-“Littlebeck, North Yorkshire.”-

-“Was it nice? The village, I mean.”-

The maid smiled at the remembrance. 

-“Yes, quite nice I have to say. May I know the reason for these questions?”-

-“None. Are they bothering you?”-

-“Not at all, milady.”- she was shocked by the sudden interest her mistress was having in her, if anything, but she doubted Mary didn’t already know that. 

-“Do you have any brothers? Or sisters?”-

-“A younger sister, Charlotte. We lived together with my mother.”- 

Mary was able to catch a glimpse of something in the woman’s features, but she wasn’t quick enough to determine it.

-“Your father?”- she asked, albeit she presumed she already knew the answer.

-“He died when I was six, a work accident. Then my mother remarried.”- 

It was as clear as water that Anna’s mind was racing through memories she would have rather preferred to leave undisturbed. For an instant, she stopped brushing Mary’s hair and took a breath far too deep and trembling for her mistress not to notice.

-“What is wrong?”-

-“Nothing. I’m sorry, milady.”-

Mary had already heard that “Nothing” spoke with that same tone many times before and every time she recognized the maid probably didn’t want to talk about it, but if she had to be honest with herself she had never cared enough to ask. The realization of how horrible her behaviour had been all those years with a person that was probably more loyal to her than to anyone else on Earth made her feel disgusted with herself. But then again, it had never been her job to care about her employees. 

She waited a moment, thinking of something else to say to carry on the conversation. Then she looked up at her and noticed there was still a faded shade of purple on her forehead, together with the signs of the wound.

-“Are your wounds still hurting?”-

Anna was sincerely becoming more and more annoyed by the question, but it certainly wasn’t Mary’s fault. She couldn’t know Baxter and Thomas had already asked her and to be fair the was the one who knew the most about her experience.

-“Much less, thank you.”-

-“And for what regards...”- Mary didn’t know how to put the question to avoid being too explicit. -“...do you know whether there is a chance you might be with child?”-

Anna swallowed. Why did her mistress seem so interested in something that was bringing her so much pain?

-“No, milady. Of that I’m sure at least.”-

Mary was sincerely hurt by the tone of her voice. It was broken, almost vain. 

-“Eventually it will get better, I hope you know it.”-

Anna didn’t answer and, despite her will commanding her to do it, didn’t even smile. She finished her mistress’ hair in silence and kept her eyes on what she was doing.

-“I’m sorry.”- 

The sentence surprised both, primarily because Mary had never been known as one who apologizes frequently.

-“I shouldn’t bring up the topic of what happened to you, honestly I can’t help but feel worried.”- she began feeling her heart against her chest, beating faster by the second. -“You are a friend to me, Anna, and I could never wish for something bad to happen to you.”- she paused a few moments, then added: -“Golly, that was strong talk for an English Lady.”- 

They both laughed, but were interrupted all of a sudden by Her Ladyship knocking at the door and asking if she could enter.

-“Will that be all, milady?”- asked Anna, ready to leave her mistress alone. As soon as Mary nodded, the maid walked to the door and opened it, letting Cora in before exiting the room.

-“What is it?”-

The usual arrogant scorn in Mary’s voice had quickly returned, but this time she herself worriedly noticed the change in her tone. Why did she speak so differently with Anna? Had it been so with Matthew as well? Yes, of course it had.

-“What do you think of Evelyn Napier?”-

Mary scoffed. 

-“Really, mother? Are you aware of the fact that I’m not to be flung at every man that passes through the house’s doors?”-

-“If there is an opportunity then you are, my dear.”-

-“I must believe you are aware of the fact that my husband died eight months ago.”- there was a bitterness in that tone which Cora knew was masking the still present grief. 

-“You are right, but eventually you will have to start thinking of marrying again.”-

Mary knew it, of course, but apart from the grief there was also another, bulky problem.

-“Yes, but not to him.”-

-“And to who, then?”-

The younger woman didn’t answer, principally because not even she was completely sure. 

-“Surely Rose is waiting for us downstairs.”- she stated, walking out of the room.

\---

While walking downstairs Anna kept thinking about Mary’s strange questions, though they were not strange per se, so much as the reason why they had been asked. Her mistress had never shown such an interest in all the years they had known each other and the maid had always been fine with that, seeing that her personal life was not something her employer must have been concerned with. She had been taught it when she was young: don’t talk if not spoken to directly, avoid looking your superior in the eyes, don’t bother other people with your problems. So she had been taught and so she had always done, but something changed when she arrived at Downton. Mary, Edith and Sybil were maybe the nicest people she had ever worked for and as the years went by she had grown quite fond of the family, along with the rest of the household. But it was not their duty to be informed about her problems and that was the reason why she almost run into Thomas while walking down the stairs, lost in her train of thoughts.

-“Sorry.”- she muttered quickly.

-“You have time after dinner?”- 

For one moment Anna thought someone was playing a joke on her: Mary Crawley asking her personal questions and now Thomas Barrow wanting to see her after dinner? The next sign of the Apocalypse must have been the locusts if she remembered well.

-“Why?”- she asked, sounding more surprised than what she meant.

-“I wanted to have a word with you, if you don’t mind.”-

The young maid furrowed her brows, but almost immediately remembered why Thomas was speaking to her: he knew. What could he have to say about it? All of a sudden, she was scared. She tried never to think ill of other people, but she couldn’t find a reason why Thomas might have wanted to talk with her very probably about a subject matter she loathed with her whole being. Nonetheless, her kindness had the best of her.

-“Sure.”- 

It was almost a whisper, swift and let out of her lips while she was already moving again. 

Thomas couldn’t help but smile while he attained the dining room: maybe, that night he could have been of help to someone.

\---

Anna was peacefully sewing, while at the other end of the table Baxter seemed to be lost in her thoughts and Alfred was skimming through a few cooking books which Mrs. Patmore had lent him. It was all quiet, most people had already gone to bed and the maid was wondering whether Thomas had forgotten the rendezvous or if he decided he simply didn’t care enough. 

-“Anna? Care to take a breath of fresh air?”-

There he was. The woman wasn’t certainly relieved to hear him, but she knew she couldn’t have avoided him forever. Under the questioning looks of the other people present in the room, she stood up and followed the footman outside, breathing in and looking up at the stars to try and find some comfort. However, they were all too distant and too indifferent to her.

The footman kept walking in silence until they found themselves on a dimly lit pathway that went through the fields. 

-“Is it a problem for you if we keep walking while we speak?”- 

It was a gentle tone, not at all the usual one for Thomas. Anna almost smiled, nodding.

-“I want to tell you something.”- he started. 

-“When I was in school, I was used to people laughing at me. It’s not that I didn’t care, but I knew I couldn’t have done anything to make the situation better. Clearly, my nature is much more evident than what I would want it to be.”- there was a bitter chuckle, but he didn’t linger on the sentence too much. -“Sometimes, I was beaten by my classmates, but I couldn’t run to the teachers, because then they would have found out. I made up some excuses here and there, but soon I discovered that people didn’t care enough to ask me, not even my family.”-

Anna raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Thomas looked at her and simply shrugged. 

-“Don’t worry, I never expected them to. To be honest, I don’t have many happy memories of the people I grew up with, but I never spoke to anyone. I never told another soul despite the fact that keeping it all to myself was even more painful. That’s not something I would wish to anyone, especially to you.”-

-“Me?”-

-“You have been kinder to me than the vast majority of people I know. I am not exactly the best person to talk to, I know, but believe me when I say that I would be grateful if I could be of any help to you.”-

Anna’s smile was sincere. She knew there was more to Mr. Barrow than he cared to let people know and hearing his offer was heart-warming. 

-“Why aren’t you as nice with other people as you’re being with me now?”- she asked, looking up to him and stopping in her steps. The footman, who was slightly ahead of her, turned around and glanced at her face, lit by the street lamps.

-“I’ve learned that I can obtain much more.”-

-“But is it worth it?”-

-“It doesn’t matter.”- was his answer. For a moment she thought she must have hurt him in some way, but then he spoke again.

-“So?”- 

Anna thought about the offering he was making to her: on one side she knew it would have helped to have someone to talk to, but on the other hand she wasn’t completely sure she could be able to.

-“Thomas...”- 

He looked at her, already knowing what the answer would have been. Obviously, how could someone trust him? Why did he think that the most gentle person he had ever met would confide in a person like him?

-“...thank you.”-

He stopped again, both because the last time he had been so surprised by something it had been the news of the armistice and because apparently the maid had not rejected his offer. He smiled for a moment, then lifted his eyes to the clear night sky and said:

-“It’s the least I can do.”-

Anna raised an eyebrow.

-“What do you mean?”-

-“You are among the few people in my life who have never judged me. You might not believe it, but it’s not very common for others to confide in me.”- the valet confessed with a hint of poison in his words.

-“Do you want to be someone people confide in?”-

Thomas looked down at her. 

-“Sometimes I think I would like to be, but then I’m reminded of how, of what I am and of how people treat me and I realise that maybe it’s better to be like I am now.”- he paused for a second, then added:

-“Moreover, if I started behaving nicely towards someone I think they might send me to an asylum.”-

The maid smiled for an instant, but the issue of the asylum immediately reminded her of another reason why Thomas would have been most certainly sent there, key thrown away for good. However, she did not to ponder too much on the question and decided instead to stop once again, looking up towards the stars with the same gaze of hope which had appeared some minutes before on Mr. Barrow’s features.

-“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”-

Thomas followed her eyes and pointed at the constellation directly over them at that moment.

-“That’s the Libra, and a bit to the right you can see the Hydra.”-

-“You know about astronomy?”- to be honest, Anna would have never thought Thomas Barrow a man interested in the stars.

-“It’s an interest, nothing more. They hold a certain kind of unconcern for us. The stars are almost eternal, while we last no longer than a blow of wind. It gives me a different perspective on life and how we live.”-

The maid decided to leave that sentence linger in the night. It was true, once she thought about it human lives lasted no more than a match, but she also realized that she had the possibility to make her match the brightest to have ever sparked into the night, had she wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again!  
> I sincerely hope you like how the story is proceeding! If so, feel free to comment / kudo about what you like/ what you would like to see next and there might be a chance you'll read it sooner or later :)  
> Later!


	5. Psychoanalysis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features historical characters, such as Ernest Jones, a psychiatrist who followed Freud's steps, and a study conducted by Freud himself, which is quoted in the chapter.
> 
> Also, the surname I used for Mary's false identity is not casual, but we'll come to that in the first RED chapter of the story, which to be honest is nearer than you might think.

Magazines were dull, chats seemed boring, dinners were everlasting, walks were annoying. Even though summer was approaching, everything around Mary had started to move in a sort of particular slow-motion and, to her dismay, she had uncovered a logic: it all depended on whether or not Anna was around. When the maid was with her, when she dressed and undressed her, talked and laughed with her, Time seemed to pity her.

At this point, more than two months after the Concert, the elder Crawley sister was not fighting her own feelings with the same intensity as she did in the first weeks, primarily because she had found out that the more she tried to deny them, the stronger they grew. It was a dog biting its tail and after a while, Mary decided she had had enough: to be slave of an emotion was certainly not noble per se, but to be...with a woman? She couldn’t see a way for it to work out in a thousand universes.

This was the reasoning that brought her to the situation she was in now, skimming through the pages of a two-bit magazine in her father’s library, hoping not to get caught and consequently asked about what she was searching for because in no circumstance, under no torture she would have deliberately confessed that she was looking for advertising about conversion therapy.

She was immensely ashamed of herself, but she had concluded that the situation she was in now, she simply could not afford it, not only because it was illegal but also and mainly because she was the agent of the estate and who would have liked to work for a person like her?

-“Hello, cousin Mary!”-

Rose’s radiant voice echoed into the room, distracting the woman from her search.

-“Hello, Rose. Weren’t you in Ripon?”-

-“I was, but I decided to come home early to go on a walk: it’s such a beautiful day and spending it inside would be a pity.”- she paused for a moment, not nearly long enough for Mary to formulate a reply, then asked:

-“Would you like to come out with me?”-

Mary lifted an eyebrow, ready to say no, then thought about it: she needed a distraction if she wanted to be honest with herself, and that might have been a good occasion.

Leaving her seat in the library she followed the young girl outside, half-listening to her seemingly endless speeches about nothing, until -

-“Mary? Are you listening to me?”-

She turned her head to Rose. To be honest, she really wasn’t.

-“Of course. Why?”-

-“Because to make sure that you were following along with me I just told you that I had in mind to marry a gipsy and going on an exploration of Africa and you did nothing but nod.”- she smiled broadly, asking what was going on.

-“It’s nothing.”- _very convincing, Mary. Good job, really_.

-“I don’t think so.”- Rose pointed to a bench for them to sit on, silently telling the woman that she was ready to listen to her. Mary was not of the same idea.

-“Why do you think that?”- she queried, quite peeved.

-“It’s only, lately you seem more lost in your thoughts than you would imagine.”-

Mary sat on the bench, uncertain about what to say. She hoped she could have disguised her worries a little better, thinking that when Matthew was on duty in the War she had managed to let none of her emotions pierce through the veil of her formal behaviour. Or at least, she thought so.

-“Are you worried about something? Can I help you?”- the girl offered, always smiling.

-“No, Rose-”- she stopped immediately, not having realized how wavering her voice was. She was almost on the verge of tears and to show herself as weak in front of someone else was not like her at all, but the damage was already done.

-“Mary? What is wrong?”-

Rose spoke more calmly, shifting nearer to her and gently placing one hand on her shoulder.

Mary, with no apparent warning, began to cry silently, careless of who was seeing her, careless for one moment of the entire world. It didn’t last more than thirty seconds, before she took the handkerchief offered by Rose and wiped away her tears, apologizing.

-“Mary, you’re a part of my family, I don’t want to hear your apologies so much as what is going on with you. Please, tell me, I will help in every way I can.”-

-“You can’t, simply.”-

-“At least tell me what the problem is.”- she insisted, her voice a little bit more high-pitched.

-“I am in love with a woman.”-

Mary didn’t mean in the least to say those words, but apparently her mouth had decided for her mind.

So many different emotions rushed through her, she thought she was going to faint: she felt cold and burning, terrified, sad, panicking and for some reason defeated, all at the same time. She didn’t dare to look Rose in the face and she couldn’t even speak: she was simply frozen in fear and horror of her own words, even because it was the first time she admitted to herself that what she was feeling was, in fact, love. There was a part of her heart that seemed to warm at the thought of being in love with someone again, but it was too small for her to notice.

Rose’s reaction, however, surprised her more than she could say.

-“Who is she?”- the young girl asked, not an ounce of preoccupation on her gentle features.

Mary looked towards Rose, wondering whether she was mocking her or not.

-“What?”-

-“Who is this woman? If I may know, of course.”-

-“You’re not horrified by the thought of it alone?”-

Rose raised an eyebrow, then exploded in a genuine, albeit brief laugh.

-“Mary, why on Earth should I be horrified? Because you are in love with a woman? God, how close-minded do you think I am? We are in the 20s, it’s time everyone has their own freedom!”-

Now the older woman was concerned more than anything. Did she think it was normal, or worse, fine? Did she really not realize that to be in love with someone of your same sex was an abomination punished by law and the Church?

-“Oh, Rose...”-

Mary sighed, then explained:

-“I can’t afford it, do you understand? Apart from it being against the laws of God and man, I am the agent of Downton Abbey and who would want to work for someone-”-

-“Mary, listen.”- Rose had stopped her, placing one hand on hers. She made sure her cousin was listening to her words before proceeding:

-“This world offers so many possibilities if we are willing to take them. Love is not something that can be ignored and it certainly cannot be bent to our desires, but it’s also the luckiest thing that could happen to someone and I’m sure you know that better than me. Love is a chance and we must never refuse to take it, regardless of the consequences.”-

Mary couldn’t help but smile: Rose really did believe every word she had spoken and, if she wanted to be honest with herself, even Mary knew there was truth in that speech. However, her position was different.

-“I’m sorry, Rose.”- she stood up, ready to walk back to the castle, but turned around when she was already some steps away from the bench.

-“I believe I don’t have to tell you that this conversation must always remain between us.”-

-“Of course.”- the girl nodded, watching her cousin walk swiftly back through the freshly mowed grass.

-

-“Anna, would you mind a walk?”-

The maid lifted her gaze from the cup of tea she was holding and smiled for a moment, leaving the room with the footman at her side.

-“It seems strange to see someone like Miss. Smith with someone like Barrow.”- observed Molesley, giving voice to the thoughts of everyone in the room.

-“Don’t say that. Mr. Barrow might have chosen to show only one side of himself to the world, but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know how else to behave.”- Baxter reproached him.

-“I agree.”-

Carson turned to Mrs. Hughes, amazed by her words.

-“Come on, Mr. Carson, we’ve known Thomas for years.”-

-“Even so, I don’t believe I ever saw him without that grim on his face.”-

Mrs. Hughes preferred not to reply, thinking about the fact that she was grateful to the footman for what he was doing with Anna: providing a distraction, allowing her to be vulnerable was something even she hadn’t been able to do and if Thomas’s intentions were genuine, all the better.

-

The sound of the crickets was soothing, as if to provide relief from the fatigue of a day of work. Anna basked in the silence, broken only by their footsteps on the gravel, followed then by the footman’s voice:

-“So, how was your day?”-

-“Tiring, but it’s nothing new. Although...”- she paused for a moment, wondering whether she should have kept what she had seen to herself.

-“What?”-

-“This afternoon while I was upstairs, I saw Lady Rose and Lady Mary in the gardens and Lady Mary seemed to be crying.”- she didn’t exactly know why her mind had registered that fact as particularly striking, but the image had stayed with her the whole day.

-“Could it be because of-”-

-“No. I don’t think so.”- answered the maid, knowing that Thomas was referring to the late Mr. Crawley.

-“Why not? We all saw the condition she was in until two months ago.”-

-“You’re right, but I believe she’s past that stage of grief.”-

-“What do you think it was, then?”- Thomas stopped in his steps, taking a bit of time as usual to lift his gaze towards the sky, despite it being lit by the moonlight.

-“I don’t know, but I didn’t dare to ask. To be honest, lately she’s been different.”-

-“In which way?”-

Anna didn’t know how to explain it, exactly. Mary had never been rude to her, but since the Concert she seemed to have grown kinder towards the maid, always smiling and asking questions and finding excuses to keep her in her room a little while longer, talking and laughing with her.

She explained the situation to Thomas as best as she could, leaving the last words she had spoken sit in the air, waiting for some sort of reply.

Barrow thought about it, knowing for a fact that Lady Mary wasn’t exactly known for her kindness.

-“And you think it’s unusual?”-

-“A bit. Not that she wasn’t kind to me before, but now it almost seems exaggerated.”-

-“You don’t like it?”-

-“That’s not what I said.”- protested Anna.

To be honest with herself, she was growing fond of that side of Mary.

-“So you do like it?”-

Hearing Thomas’s confusion in his tone of voice almost made Anna giggle.

-“I believe I do.”- she answered, and while the words came out of her mouth she perceived a bizarre sort of sensation crawling up from inside her, as if a warm lighting bolt had crossed her heart.

How unusual, she thought.

-

This time the ride to London was more lonely. Mary obviously didn’t want any company from Anna and Rose would have never agreed to what she had decided to do, so she thought that the best solution was simply to go alone, informing the family that she would have been back before dark.

She was shivering, she felt her heart scratching against her chest and her eyes almost filled with tears: on the phone, while she booked the appointment with the receptionist, her voice had been incredibly confident. Now, on the other side, she was slowly realizing what she had put herself into, the pain and fear that was to come.

-

The carved wooden door stood fiercely on the side of the street, “ _British Psychoanalytic Society_ ” written in elegant golden letters. Mary breathed in, waited for a moment, then finally knocked.

To answer the door was a woman in her thirties, dark hair tied in a simple coiffure and heavy glasses covering almost half of her face.

-“Good morning. Do you have an appointment here?”- the lady asked once they were inside.

-“Doctor Jones. My name is Charlotte Aird.”-

For some reason, although it was impossible, Mary was afraid that the receptionist would have recognized her from somewhere, thus discovering that she had used a false name. An unfounded fear, but a fear nonetheless.

-“Ah, yes. Mrs. Aird, please follow me.”-

They went up at least three flights of stairs before the woman pointed Mary towards a slightly ajar door on the left side of the corridor.

-“He should be waiting for you.”-

The woman silently thanked the receptionist with a nod, before beginning to walk towards the door, hearing the clattering of her heels against the marble echoing through the hallway. Once she reached the door she gently knocked on it, hearing an unusually warm greeting coming from inside.

-“Good afternoon, Mrs. Aird.”- the man rose from his seat as she entered, gently directing her towards her seat.

-“Good afternoon, Mr. Jones.”- Mary politely replied, managing to keep a smile on her lips despite the growing discomfort inside her, gripping at her organs like a ferocious beast.

The doctor kept smiling lightly while he wrote something down, before leaning back into his seat into a more informal pose, waving a hand in front of him as if to encourage the woman to speak.

-“So, can you tell me what brought you here today?”-

Mary’s eyes widened in surprise. There were not many reasons one could come into that sort of place and she certainly didn’t expect she would have had to give explanation for her presence there. She simply wanted to get rid of the problem as soon as possible.

-“I must believe you are already aware of my reason to be here today, Doctor Jones.”- her tone was slightly more arrogant than what she wanted it to be, but by the time she had realized it the words were already in the air, free from her lips.

-“I do, but I would like for you to tell me with your own words what you think is the problem.”-

-“How do you mean, ‘think’?”- Mary lifted an eyebrow, seeing the doctor gesturing once again with his hands. “Explain yourself”, the movement meant.

-“You don’t see it as a problem?”-

-“Only for society, not for oneself.”-

Mary’s grip on her purse tightened. Had she made an error by going there? From what she had understood, he was supposed to help her with the issue, not to question it.

-“I’m sorry, doctor, but-”-

-“You believe to be in the wrong place, am I right?”-

Mary opened her mouth, but before one single syllable could be formed by her voice the man had begun to talk again.

-“You came here for the Conversion Therapy, I am well aware of it. May I ask how much you have heard about the practice itself?”-

Taken aback, the woman took a little time before answering. Not more than two minutes had passed and she was already regretting every second of being there.

-“I was hoping to hear about it from you, doctor.”-

She was not in control of the situation and she did not like it in the least, but once again she had to remind herself that she couldn’t do anything about it.

The man breathed in, more in apprehension than bother.

-“Mrs. Aird, I don’t wish to mince words with you. I do not approve of Conversion Therapy and therefore I will not perform any sort of pseudo-treatment on you. It does not work, the only proven fact is that it can ruin your life until the end of your days.”-

Mary swallowed. She was certainly intelligent enough to have thought of the fact that the proposed treatment might not be as successful as it was presented, but it was her only hope of carrying on with her life.

-“Then why do you advertise it if you do not intend to perform it?”- she asked, almost offended.

-“I want to change your mind.”- the hint of a smile danced on his features for a moment, hoping that the woman in front of him would have given him a chance to explain himself. She seemed upset to the point where he decided not to let his sentence linger in the air too much, thus keeping on talking.

-“Have you ever heard about a man named Sigmund Freud?”-

The woman narrowed her brows. What a peculiar name.

-“I’m sorry to say that I have not.”-

Jones smirked.

-“He is a psychoanalyst. A pioneer in this field, you could say. He has written about a wide variety of subjects, but the one I’m presenting you with today is this.”- he took an envelope from one of the dark-wooded drawers of his desk and gently laid it in front of Mary.

The Psychogenesis of a case of female homosexuality, read the title.

-“It’s a study conducted by Freud himself, on a young woman who had fallen in love with an older one and even attempted to take her own life when her lover refused her. This all, obviously, strongly against her father’s wishes.”-

Mary’s heart had begun pounding a little faster against her chest. Anna was only five years older than her, but still, this seemed so much her case: in love with someone who most certainly could and did not love her back, bound to oblige to her father’s wills knowing that the only other perspective was to be sent in an asylum or at least to be disinherited. What chaos she was dancing in.

-“The interesting thing is, Sigmund never thought of homosexuality as an illness. It can be uncomfortable, but the only reason for this is that it is not socially acceptable. In his eyes, every human being is bisexual, that is to say we all hold interest both in men and in women.”-

-“I find that hard to believe.”-

-“Have you been, or are you currently married, Mrs. Aird?”-

The image of Matthew was now much less painful to bear, thank God. Still, something seemed to break in her every time she had to tell someone.

-“My husband died nine months ago.”-

Jones’ eyes perked up for an instant in what Mary could see was a sincere apology.

-“I’m sorry if I have brought back bad memories. This, however, proves Mr. Freud’s point: you were in love with a man and now you are in love with a woman. Am I wrong in any of that?”-

God only knew how much Mary would have wanted to scream “Yes! You are unbelievably wrong!” to that question, to stand up and walk out of that door. Unfortunately, every last word spoken by the doctor was true. But to admit it, that was something entirely different. She had already, albeit wrongly, confessed her feelings for Anna to Rose the day before, but this was a whole other case.

Let pride aside, for God’s sake, pleaded the voice in her head.

-“No.”-

Mary lowered her eyes to the ground, defeated.

-“Mrs. Aird, if I might give you my first impression, you are an intelligent woman. I don’t believe you would care if people thought ill of you.”-

-“The problem is, Doctor Jones, that I don’t believe any of my employees would think of the question in the same way that you do.”-

-“You work, Mrs. Aird?”-

Mary damned herself for what she had just said. In her endeavour to win the ongoing battle between the two of them, she might have confessed something more than what she cared to. So much for someone so quick-witted.

-“I am the agent of the estate where I live, and subsequently of the fields and farms around it.”-

-“I understand.”- he said, leaning back once again in his chair. He brought his hands to his beard for a moment, sliding the fingers on its curly, thick black hair.

-“And what about the lady?”-

-“The woman I-...”-

At this point, it was purely her pride who denied her from expressing her feelings. It was almost ridiculous.

-“The woman you are in love with, yes. Do you know whether there might be a chance of her reciprocating your feelings?”-

Mary’s first reaction was a hinted laugh, despite there being nothing worth laughing for in the question itself. Obviously, Anna was not in love with her. Why would she be? How could it be?

-“Why do you think there’s no possibility in it? Remember what Freud thinks.”-

-“Mr. Freud is nothing more than a theorist.”-

-“And you are his living proof.”-

Jones smiled again, much to Mary’s annoyance.

-“I am no one’s living proof of anything, and even if that should be, I am one single person. The fact that I am in love with a woman does not prove the fact that she might be in love with me. Not even remotely.”-

Only once she spoke the sentence out loud she did realize the sting of pain that went through her heart. Being fully conscious of the fact that she might spend the rest of her life loving someone who did not reciprocate her was something she had never been used to. Usually, it was other men who courted her and who were subjected to her rejection.

What a cruel trick of fate.

-“You are right, Mrs. Aird.”- he leaned back on the table, took the pen in his right hand and started writing something. Mary was left wondering whether he wanted to say something else or not. If that was the case, this might have been the worst doctor she had ever been to.

-“I cannot change your heart. I hope you are aware of the fact that no treatment whatsoever is able to do that. However, I could see you on a monthly or weekly basis and, with the help of time, show you how to accept yourself again, because it’s clear that now you are far from such a position.”-

It was undoubtedly true, no matter how much she tried to deny the matter to herself. She was nothing more than damaged goods. She had always been, since the whole affair with the Turkish diplomat, and now not only she was damaged, but she was also unnatural.

Rising from her seat, Mary gently shook hands with the doctor before walking out of the door, heavy steps marching on the marble floors while she descended the stairs. After paying she did not make another appointment, but instead chose to take one of the business cards on the receptionist’s desk. While at the station, while on the train back to Downton, she held back the heaviness of all emotions that were downing on her.

It was only that night, after Anna had left her, after the house had fallen into silence and the only noise came from the owls and crickets outside that she finally let herself go, soaking her pillow with tears and suffocating her whimpers into the fabric.

She had fallen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would really like to know what you think of this, so feel free to leave a comment if you liked the chapter💕  
> And thanks to all the people that have commented and keep commenting, it warms my heart to see how much you're enjoying this.


	6. Blood-stained

Once Anna left Mary’s room, after an exceedingly long bath and the story of how she and Mr. Napier had saved the pigs, she was still giggling to herself.  
It was very late, so she had to refrain from bursting into a laugh the moment her mistress had told her about what happened, but as soon as she was certain to be far from disturbing someone, she let herself go, leaning against the kitchen walls, still plunged into darkness.

They were nearing the end of July and Anna was slowly beginning to take a hold of her life again, surely helped both by Thomas and by Lady Mary. She and the footman took long walks around the grounds and garden of the abbey almost every night before sleep, talking about their day, their passions, their secrets. She was even beginning to learn something about astronomy.

\---

-“I heard Tony Gillingham will come back to the abbey.”-

-“It’s nothing too unusual. He will stay here only one night, before going back home.”- Mary pointed out, smiling at Tom from her seat on the sofa while rocking George into her arms.

-“Are you happy about it?”- the Irishman asked.

-“It does not bother me. I have other problems that need to be taken care of.”-

-“Which problems? And don’t tell me it is about the estate because, if you remember, I am in the business as well and now, thank God, there’s doesn’t seem to be any problem with it.”-

The woman sighed lightly, for one moment uncertain about what to say: the fewer people knew about her troubled love interest, the better.

-“Nothing to bother you with.”-

Tom quirked an eyebrow, rising from his seat on the ground where he had been until that moment, playing with Sybil.

-“Why not? Mary, you are my sister-in-law. You have become a part of my family, how could you think that I don’t care about your feelings and your problems?”- he sat beside her, silently telling her that he was ready to listen.

The woman couldn’t hold back a little smile when she heard those words.

-“I’m sorry, Tom. I believe this is something people shouldn’t know. I accidentally revealed it to Rose a few days ago and I still think I made a mistake.”-

-“Is it something you ought to be ashamed of? Are you ill?”- as soon as the last words touched Tom’s lips, Mary felt him stiffening and shifting in his seat.

-“No, I’m not.”- she smiled, softened by the man’s concern.

-“Then?”-

-“The thing is...”- she breathed in. She knew she could confide in him, but to be honest she had no idea what his reaction could have been, though she imagined his family would have been much more scandalized than he could possibly be.

-“I believe I have fallen in love.”- she stated, her voice strangely void of any emotion.

Tom turned to her, now more confused than ever.

-“And you think it to be a problem? Mary, love is not something to be afraid of.”-

Mary took a moment to look down at George. It seemed so petty to talk about it when holding her son in her arms. “I’m sorry”, she wanted to whisper to him. “I would have never wanted it for you. You don’t deserve a mother like me.”

-“It can be.”- she couldn’t bring herself to say the words this time, though she didn’t know why.

-“How?”-

-“If you are in love with the wrong person.”-

Tom was understanding less and less as the conversation proceeded. However, before he could ask another question they heard a gentle knock at the door, accompanied by a servant entering the room.

It was Anna, asking a question about what to do with the new dress which had just arrived.

-“I’ll try it on before dinner if it’s not a problem for you.”-

-“Not in the least, milady.”- was the maid’s answer, before she moved towards the door, still held open by Jimmy, and walked out. Mary had followed her movements with her eyes, a look ever so slightly loving resting on her silhouette.

Tom, instead, was observing Mary.

-“Wrong person?”- he dared to ask once they were alone again.

-“What?”- Mary turned to him, a blaze of pink colouring her cheeks. It was not, however, simple awkwardness. It was fear and shame.

-“You think you are in love with the wrong person?”- he questioned her, pointing at the door.

Mary’s eyes widened in equal measure of terror and surprise. She certainly hoped she could be more subtle than that. She had always been so skilled at hiding her emotions, before now.

-“What do you mean?”- she desperately tried one last time.

-“I think you are aware of the assumption I am making. What I want to know is: am I in the wrong?”-

Obviously, he wasn’t.

-“No.”-

It was a word so simple, yet in that case filled with so much sense of defeat and sadness, Tom felt sincerely sorry for her. He shifted in order to be nearer to the woman and gently placed an arm around her shoulders, albeit knowing how unusual it was for an English to do so. However, he was an Irishman.

-“Please, tell me you did not think I would have in any way judged you.”- it was almost a prayer, spoken in a tone so soft Mary felt guilty for having even only thought of it. Obviously Tom wouldn’t have judged her. He was not noble, he was not English and he certainly was not nearly as close-minded as her family.

-“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”-

He scoffed.  
-“You mustn’t like that.”-

-“How do you mean?”-

-“You like to be in control of the situation. You like to get what you want, always, no matter what it is and now you can’t. Not unless your interest is reciprocated.”-

-“What do you want to say with that?”- she asked, slightly cross.

-“That this might be your first time realizing you cannot always have what you want only because you are noble and beautiful. It’s the harsh price of reality dawning on you.”-

-“Tom, I don’t know if I have to tell you, but you’re not helping in the least.”-

The man laughed, looking down at his daughter for an instant.

-“I’m sorry, Mary. I wanted to make you understand that what you’re feeling now is something the majority of the working class knows much better than you might think. Many times we love knowing we cannot be loved back.”-

Now the woman was utterly downhearted, though she honestly knew Tom’s words were right.

-“Tom...”-  
She hesitated before speaking again, for one moment unsure about whether she should have said what she was thinking or not.

-“I feel loathsome knowing that I am in love with a woman, but...”- the familiar sting of tears was beginning to burn into her eyes. Tom’s hand tightened around her shoulder.

-“I would be wrecked by knowing that she doesn’t reciprocate me, even if it’s not her obligation to do so and certainly not my right to ask for.”-

-“To be wise and love exceeds man’s might.”- Tom quoted, proud of still remembering the exact words after so many years.

-“Oh, please, don’t bring Shakespeare into this. I’ve had enough of him.”-

-“What?”-

She simply shook her head, silently telling him that now it was not a good moment to talk about that.

-“I have to ask you to keep this secret, Tom. At least for now.”- _or forever_ , she thought.

-“You know I can do that, but please, don’t torture yourself.”-

She looked at him, a questioning look in her eyes. As she waited for an answer, the nanny came in, ready to take the two children back to their room. Tom left the library as well, but before he could step outside he whispered:

-“Tell.”-

\---

It had not been difficult for Mary to understand what Tom meant with that word. He wanted her to confess her feelings to Anna. She was thinking about the conversation they had had just two or three hours before when she realized that he hadn’t even thanked him. Maybe after dinner.

-“Milady?”-

Shook from her stream of consciousness, Mary turned to the maid with a smile, showing the best posture she could for Anna to understand whether the dress needed some kind of adjustment or not.

-“I think it’s beautiful.”- she uttered after a few silent moments of observation.

It was a red sleeveless satin dress, decorated with black lace motives. Maybe a bit too provoking, but Mary thought it certainly wouldn’t have killed anyone.

-“I believe it is, too. However, I don’t see it as something to wear on simple nights. Perhaps the next time someone is visiting us. Tony Gillingham should be back again tomorrow.”- she considered, taking a sip of water from the glass she was holding.

*******

-“Lord Gillingham will be here again?”-

-“You're right. I shouldn't encourage him, but I couldn't think what to say to persuade him not to. Do you think me very feeble?”-

-“It’s not that milady.”-

This time, Mary instantly noticed the change of tone in Anna’s voice. It was trembling.

-“Then what is it?”- she asked, rising from her seat.

The maid didn’t answer, folding a dress on the bed in silence. She knew her voice would have revealed too much at that moment, had she decided to speak.

-“Anna?”-

Now Mary was worried. Why on Earth would Anna have such a reaction about a topic like that?

-“It’s nothing to bother you with.”-

It stung to hear those words. Mary would have very much liked to scream “How can you even think that your problems are something I must not be bothered with?”, but her manners prevented her from committing that error.

-“Please, bother me.”- she asked instead, taking a small step towards the maid.

-“If I did, you'd have to promise to do nothing about it.”-

-“But how this concern Lord Gillingham?”-

Had he done something? She highly doubted it. Tony was a good man and she had known him since she was a little girl.

-“It doesn’t, m’lady. It’s nothing to do with Lord Gillingham himself.”- her voice was less and less steady by the minute and she hated it. Apparently, the thought of having finally taken her life back was a mere illusion.

-“But then-”-

-“It’s his man, m’lady. His servant, Mr. Green, who travels with him.”-

*******

A rush of adrenaline run through Mary’s body with the realization, too powerful and too sudden for her to control it. Before she could tell, the glass she was holding in her right hand shattered under the pressure of her fingers, sending small pieces of crystal on the floor. It was not in the least a ladylike reaction, but by the time she grasped what she had done the damage had already been made.

-“Oh my God...”- cried out the maid, seeing her mistress’ hand almost immediately stained in red.

Mary broke from the momentary state she was in and became aware of the sharp pain that was cloaking her nerves and skin, bringing her left hand to her mouth to suppress a scream.

-“I’ll fetch a towel.”- she heard Anna’s voice faintly into her ears, vanishing into nothing like everything that was happening around her. Tears blurred her vision and she only vaguely noticed that someone else had entered the room.

-“What in the- Mary!”-

Cora had heard the noise while walking in front of the bedroom and as soon as she realized what had broken, she stepped in. Her daughter was sitting on a chair, one hand covering her mouth to suppress the sighs and the other tightly clenched, dripping in crimson.

-“What happened?”- she asked when she saw Anna coming back from the bathroom with a wet towel in her hands.

-“I don’t know. We were talking, I believe she must have held the glass in the wrong way.”- was the brisk answer, which Cora would have otherwise reproached seen that she hadn’t even called her “Your Ladyship”, but at the moment it really was the last thing that mattered.

Anna kneeled in front of her mistress, taking the hand into hers and gently wiping the blood with the white cloth. She could hear a faint “I’m sorry” coming from Mary’s lips.

-“You don’t have to excuse yourself of anything, milady.”- she reassured her, brushing her palm with the towel.  
For one moment, something like fire burned where their hands were touching, sending a powerful, intense and unknown sensation through their hearts. Anna was almost scared by the feeling, but it soon got forgotten when she noticed how deep the cut was on Mary’s palm.

-“We need to call for Clarkson!”- the maid shouted, turning to the older woman. Cora stepped nearer to her daughter and placed one hand on her cheek, kissing her hair, trying as best as she could master to hide the sense of panic.

\---

It didn’t take more than half an hour, thankfully, for the wound to be properly medicated and bandaged. They even offered Clarkson to stay in for dinner, and for once he accepted.

Mary stayed unusually quiet through dinner, not knowing what to say to soothe the atmosphere. Tom occasionally glanced at her trying to get something from her facial expressions, but failed miserably. She had already told everyone that she really did not know why or how it had happened and they all seemed to believe her: at least, she was still good at lying.

The dinner seemed flavourless and the chattering senseless, her whole mind was concentrated on the confession she had heard from Anna: Mr. Green was to be held responsible for her rape. That slimy, tedious valet had broken her apart and to be honest with herself, Mary was not totally sure the maid could ever be pieced back up again.

After the end of the meal she was able to withdraw without much interest, seen that after all she had lost a fair amount of blood and needed rest. However, before calling for Anna, she decided that she needed to speak with someone.

-

-“Yes?”-

Carson’s profound voice responded to the knocks on his office door. As soon as he looked up, he saw Lady Mary stepping in.

-“Milady, are you all right?”- he asked, naturally worried about the wound.

Mary smiled and reassured him that it was not too serious and that, as Clarkson had said, it might have taken a little to heal completely but it certainly wouldn’t have sent her to the hospital.

-“I am glad to hear that. What can I do for you?”-

-“Well...the thing is, tomorrow Tony Gillingham will be back and he is going to stay the night, on his way home.”-

-“And?”- Carson was confused: she would have had to tell the maids or Mrs. Hughes, not him.

-“His valet will be with him.”-

-“You mean Mr. Green?”-

As soon as the surname was pronounced, Mary felt a rush of adrenaline flowing through her body and she instantly tightened her right hand, gasping at the pain. Carson, as usual, had noticed.

-“Has he done something, milady?”- there was worry in his tone and Mary almost smiled at it: she knew that for her, he probably would have battled an army alone.

-“I’m only asking you to oversee him. To make sure that he stays in his place.”-

The butler quirked an eyebrow.

-“May I know the reason for this request?”-

-“It’s not mine to tell.”- was her answer and judging from the tone she had used, the woman wouldn’t have spoken any longer on the matter.

She seemed to contemplate him for a moment then, without much warning, Mary stepped over and embraced him, feeling the tremendous need to be comforted by someone.

Carson couldn’t help but smile, despite suspecting that something else was happening. Nonetheless, he wouldn’t have asked and if she knew her as well as he believed, sooner or later she would have told him. Mary knew it, too, but she painfully hoped that moment would have never come.  
What would he have thought of her, then?

For that matter, what would anyone have thought of a woman such as her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, beautiful souls!  
> If you read through this, it means you gave a little of your time to my story and it means everything to me.   
> Keep commenting / kudoing (???), it's always nice to see new comments.   
> Later!


	7. The Orbit of the Sun

It had already happened before and Lady Mary had seemed so keen on helping her, so how would this time be any different?

While walking up the stairs, a breakfast tray in her hands, Anna was contemplating the possibility of asking her mistress if she could have stayed with her that night.

No, it was foolish.

But the other two times it had been Mary herself to suggest the idea. Maybe she would have said something this time as well.

Technically the maid was in no danger, seen that Mrs. Hughes had the keys to the women’s rooms and it would have been impossible for Mr. Green to sneak in. Yes, she concluded. There was no danger. Probably.

Opening the door to Lady Mary’s room, the maid stepped in and laid the tray on a nearby table, before walking up to the windows and moving the curtains aside.

-“Good morning, milady.”- she greeted the woman, before taking the tray and laying it in front of Mary, who silently thanked her with a smile.

-“How are you feeling?”-

Anna pointed at the swathe on her mistress’s hand, still thinking about what had happened the night before.

-“Better, though to be honest with you, I still don’t know what took over me.”-

She perfectly knew what took over her, whenever she thought about the conversation they had she still felt drops of adrenaline rushing over her. Mr. Green would have been back that day.

-“Anna...”-

-“Yes?”-

-“I’ve asked Mr. Carson to keep an eye on Mr. Green. I didn’t tell him why, exactly, but I guarantee you will be in no danger.”-

Anna hinted a smile, too faint for the other woman to actually believe there was truth in it. She couldn’t do anything about it, she was still scared by the thought alone of being in the same room as Alex Green.

-“Thank you, m’lady.”-

_I also intend to speak to Lord Gillingham_ , she wanted to say, but knowing how the maid would have reacted she decided it would have been best not to talk about it with her.

\---

Tony Gillingham was there.

Though it was always pleasant for Mary to see an old friend, while his valet helped him out of the car she couldn’t help but fix her eyes on him.

He did it, and she couldn’t do much about it. She would have convinced Tony to fire him with no reference, that for sure, but apart from that there was not much she could do. The man would have always known where Anna was as long as the maid remained at Downton. But, Mary selfishly thought, she couldn’t leave.

\---

Anna hated the way everyone greeted Mr. Green as if he were a movie star. Sure, he lived in London and he probably knew much more about the world than all of them put together, but there was no reason for the other servants to put him in the spotlight.

She turned to Thomas, only to see the man slightly smiling.

-“What are you thinking?”- she asked, leaning on the door frame next to him.

-“Ideas.”-

-“About?”-

-“I think I don’t have to explain myself any further.”- he looked down at her for a moment, the smile still resting on his lips, then he walked towards Green and shook his hand, welcoming him.

-“I normally wouldn’t support Barrow’s schemes, but I have to admit that for this once I could even consider to lend him a hand in case of need.”-

Anna turned, a surprised look in her eyes. It wasn’t everyday she heard Mrs. Hughes openly admitting that she would have willingly helped Thomas.

-“I don’t think it will be necessary, Mrs. Hughes. He will only stay here for one night and I believe I am in no danger.”-

“Believe” was a big word to use, but she was trying to convince the elder woman more than herself.

-“Don’t let him have power over you.”- was the last she heard of her before Mrs. Hughes returned to her office. Only then she realized she had been the only one not to greet Mr. Green. As soon as the thought came over her mind, she noticed that he was staring at her.

-“I’m happy to see you again, Miss Smith.”- he grinned.

Before she could have a chance to answer, though she wasn't sure she wold have been able to say something at all, Thomas appeared behind him, inviting the valet to give him some of Lord Gillingham's luggage and walking up the stairs. Anna silently thanked him before returning to her own chores in the boot room.

It was July, but shivers came over her when she stepped in there. Now that he was there again, she could hear the echoes of everything that had happened that night. She felt her throat sore from the screams, the piercing pain between her legs and on her body, wherever he had punched her, wherever he had touched her. There hadn’t been a single moment where he had been gentle. Not a kiss, not a brush, nothing.

_Don’t think about it. Don’t let him have power over you._

\---

Thomas’s plot had begun from the moment he had offered his help to Mr. Green. As soon as they arrived in the bedroom, Barrow told Green that he needn’t worry, that he would have unpacked everything and that the other man could have taken a break after the long journey. While he watched him walk away from the room, Thomas heard another pair of shoes stepping towards him, and to his surprise as soon as he turned he saw Lady Mary.

-“Milady. Is there something I can do for you?”-

Mary seemed to reflect for a moment. From what she could remember Anna had alluded to Thomas in the last months, about how he was actually very different from what people often saw. Had she told him everything, though?

-“Barrow. I believe I could use your help with a matter, but you wouldn't have to say a word of it to anyone.”-

-“Oh?”-

She motioned towards the room, which would have certainly been more private than the middle of a hallway. Once they were both inside, she went on.

-“I need you to sabotage Mr. Green, Lord Gillingham’s valet. I know it’s an unexpected request from a lady, but I assure you that it’s for a good reason.”-

Thomas couldn’t help but smile. It was not his usual slimy, fabricated smile though. Mary raised an eyebrow, instantly regretting the words she had just said.

-“Everything for Miss Smith.”-

He knew, then. The woman felt immensely relieved at the thought.

-“Did you already have something in mind?”-

-“I convinced Mr. Green to take a break downstairs and let me unpack.”- _so maybe I can find something useful_ was the unspoken rest of the sentence. Lady Mary understood perfectly well what he meant.

-“Should you need help, ask me.”-

He snickered.

-“What?”-

-“Downton Abbey against a valet. It’s something you don’t see every day, milady.”-

She smiled too.

-“Sometimes even we English need some thrill in life. And Barrow...”-

He looked at her.

-“Don’t say anything to Anna. Or for that matter, to anyone. I believe the only other person who knows is Mrs. Hughes and I would like to keep it that way.”-

-“Yes, milady.”-

As soon as he was alone again, he started looking. It didn’t take much, it almost seemed too easy.

There it was, in the corner of a baggage full of neatly folded shirts: a small ink bottle, still sealed.

Wonderful, he thought. After checking around him and making sure that he was alone, he quickly opened the bottle and placed it back where it was, the cork unnoticeably unscrewed.

-

-“Why are you smiling?”- Anna asked him as soon as he was downstairs again, suspecting that there might have been something he wasn’t telling her.

-“Don’t worry about that. My job, today, is to keep you safe from Mr. Green and believe me when I tell you that I fully intend to do that.”-

After that, he was gone before the maid could have the chance to reply, but the sentence made her feel awfully good nonetheless. There was someone ready to protect her, when before that moment she had always been alone. Between him and Mary, because by that point she was almost sure that her mistress as well might be having a chat with Lord Gillingham at that very moment, Anna felt almost overwhelmed by the care she was receiving.

Mary. Right. She still wanted to ask her if she could have stayed the night with her, but something in her brain was screaming to her face that it was definitely too much of a bother.

-“If I remember well I was staying right here when I told you that, eventually, we would have seen each other again. Lord Gillingham is very fond of Lady Mary indeed.”-

Anna didn’t need to lift her eyes from what she was doing. The voice she had just heard had been besieging her nightmares for three months and thus she knew perfectly who it belonged to.

-“Don’t be so sure.”- she answered, surprised by the audacity in her voice. She had also noticed she had probably just betrayed Mary with that sentence.

-“How do you mean?”- Mr. Green stepped into the room, sending chills up her spine.

-“Nothing.”- the reply was far too quick to be spontaneous.

-“Anna...”- he walked towards her and, as much as she would have wanted to scream, all the air in her lungs had seemed to disappear.

-“...we had a lovely time here, I believe you remember it very well...”- his finger trailed on her cheekbone, taking a loose lock of hair and toying with it.

-“...and I should hate to have my memories of this place ruined. So please, behave well and, if you’re in luck, I will-”-

-“Mr. Gillingham? What are you doing here?”-

Carson’s voice sounded much like that of an angel, to Anna. _Thank you_ , she wanted to say. The valet turned swiftly, the grin always on his lips, and answered:

-“We were only talking, Mr. Carson.”-

The butler looked at Anna, who had her eyes fixed in his. There was a terror in that gaze he could have sworn he never saw before: it was different from what he occasionally saw in Thomas’s eyes whenever they mentioned the war; not necessarily worse, but somehow more dreadful.

-“Anna, Mrs. Patmore asked me to fetch you for some cooking advice she is sure she heard from you.”-

Surprisingly, it was the truth.

Anna immediately left whatever she was doing and followed Carson, not deigning Mr. Green of something more than a glance. The valet leaned against the table, still mindlessly playing with a long, blond hair.

\---

-“I’m sorry, Tony. I would love to tell you the reason why I’m asking this of you, but I can’t.”-

Tony knew Mary was sincere, but still, it seemed like an odd request: firing his valet, what good would it bring to her? He stroked the glass in his hand, thinking about the request.

-“Has he done something to you?”-

There was worry in her voice, which made Mary smirk.

-“No, Tony. I am well, but -”- luckily, she was able to stop herself before it was too late.

-“I am asking this favour as a friend. I have a tremendously good reason for it, but it’s not mine.”-

Only after the words left her mouth the woman knew it wasn’t much better than the previous sentence.

Lord Gillingham raised his eyebrows in surprise, but wisely decided to ask nothing further and simply nodded. To be honest, he wasn’t too fond of his valet, but firing him without giving him a reason was senseless. For Mary, though, he would have done almost anything.

\---

There was silence in the room when Anna entered. The gong had just rung, meaning that for the next hour and a half she would have been alone with Mary, no possibility of interruption, no possibility of seeing Green.

-“How are you?”- asked the woman, lifting her eyes from the book she was reading. As soon as she noticed her maid’s eyes, glossy and shaded in red, she stood from her seat and walked towards her.

-“Has something happened?”- the apprehension in her voice was far too evident, but at the moment nothing could have mattered less.

-“No, milady.”- _Not yet_.

-“What?”-

Anna looked at her, only to then realize that she had said out loud what she thought she hadn’t.

-“I’m sorry, milady. I shouldn’t have said that.”-

-“Anna.”- Mary’s tone had changed abruptly, now appearing so serious and so concerned that it almost startled the maid.

-“Please, I am pleading you to listen to me: don’t think that the difference in our social status is reason for me not to care about you. I-...I don’t want you to see me as someone who must not be bothered by your problems. If you can, look at me as if I were someone you could trust in.”-

Mary took a deep breath, not knowing what she might have added. She knew this was something way beyond the manner she should have kept with her servants. From when she was little she had learned how to behave, what to say and what not to say. The only problem being, no one ever taught her what to do in case she had fallen for one of them.

Anna would have genuinely wanted to hold her as close to her heart as she could, but she managed to restrain herself to a wide, sincere smile.

-“Thank you.”-

It was too simple a reply but honestly, what could she have said? She wasn’t sure she could have found the proper words, seeing the chaos of simultaneously bursting emotions in her. There were tears in her eyes and a strange sensation gripping at her insides, but she swallowed down those feelings for now, promising to herself that she would have dealt with them later.

-“Mr. Green only spoke to me, nothing more.”-

Mary was still doubtful, but decided it would have been wiser to derail the topic into something more shallow. They talked about this or that while Anna dressed her and combed her hair, but it was near the end of the process that something sparked in Mary’s mind. She turned in her chair to face the woman and asked:

-“Would you feel safer tonight if you were here?”-

The maid distinctly felt her heart warm up when she heard that question.

-“If I can, milady.”-

Mary smiled.

-“I’ll see you after dinner, Anna.”-

\---

-“Mr. Barrow, a moment.”- Alex Green called at him, minutes before the beginning of the upstairs dinner.

-“Yes?”-

-“May I ask you a question regarding Miss Smith?”-

Thomas felt a rush of rage as soon as he heard her name spoken from those lips, but nothing transpired to his expression. He nodded gently.

-“Do you know where her bedroom is?”-

Barrow instantly felt his cheeks burn with anger. There was a shrine in Green’s eyes which almost frightened him: it was that of a maniac, a lunatic. How could he even dare to ask such a question?

Before anyone could see them Thomas gripped at the valet’s shirt and pulled him against the wall under the stairs. He had never been very strong, but the trenches certainly taught him how to be swift.

-“If you dare to lay even a finger on her I swear that I will ruin you.”- he growled, almost entirely pressed against him.

Green smirked.

-“Just out of curiosity, it was you who unscrewed the ink bottle, wasn’t it? Lord Gillingham said that as soon as we are home he wants to talk to me and I think it might not be good, but don’t worry, even without a reference, even without employment, I will find my way back to her.”- he hissed, grinning.

-“And I will be here, to welcome you.”- Thomas spat back, looking down at him.

-“Mr. Barrow, shouldn’t you be upstairs?”- 

The footman immediately stepped away from Green and turned, muttering a quick "Yes, Mrs. Hughes". He puffed, glancing one last time at Mr. Green before disappearing upstairs. While he passed in front of the housekeeper they had a long conversation, which had no spoken words and which made the woman understand that what had just happened probably had a very good reason behind it.

\---

-“Mrs. Hughes, may I speak with you a moment?”-

As soon as the housekeeper turned, she was met with Lady Mary Crawley’s brown eyes. Rising from her seat, she gestured towards her office and only once they were inside she spoke.

-“Is there something I can do for you, milady?”-

-“Only, I was wondering...only for tonight, could you let Anna off early? I don’t want her to risk being left alone downstairs again.”-

-“I was having the same thoughts, milady. Should I come and undress you later?”-

-“Oh, no. Actually...”- she pondered on the words she was trying to say, when she remembered that there was, in fact, another bed in her room. Or better, not in her room, but in the small room adjacent, where Matthew should have slept but actually never did.

-“I had in mind to let her sleep in the dressing room. I know that you keep the keys and believe me when I say that I trust you, but I...”- another pause. It might have started to seem suspicious.

-“I want her to feel as safe as possible. I believe you understand my request.”-

Despite the shock of knowing that a servant would have slept on the same floor as the family, Mrs. Hughes did nothing but nod. After all, that had not been a question, it was simply an information and she could not deny it.

-“Certainly, milady.”-

After that, the eldest Crawley sister withdrew, leaving the servant with far more questions than she hoped for.

\---

-“How was the evening?”- Anna asked, while her hands softly worked on unfastening the laces on Mary’s dress.

-“The usual. Tony is good company, but I feel like it’s not what I am looking for at the moment.”-

-“And what are you looking for, milady?”- enquired the maid, lifting her eyes up to meet her mistress’s.

Mary knew too well what she was seeking. In fact, the object of her search was right in front of her, but still unreachable.

-“I don’t know, really.”- she decided to answer, looking away. She suspected that, had her gaze lingered too much in Anna’s ice-blue eyes, she would have confessed her everything without speaking a single word.

The maid decided not to ask any further questions, and the night routine went on without much chatter for the most part. It was only at the end, when Anna was ready to leave, that Mary remembered the discussion she had had with Mrs. Hughes.

-“Anna, I was forgetting...”-

-“Yes, milady?”-

-“I obtained permission from Mrs. Hughes, for tonight your work is done. Do whatever you like and...”- she felt her cheeks burn, -“...join me whenever you want. I only ask you that you do not remain alone.”-

Anna smiled, because what else could she have done? After all that Mary had done and was still doing for her, it felt very much like she would have collapsed if it hadn’t been for her help.

-“I don’t know what to say, milady...I-”-

-“Don’t, please. I’ll be waiting for you.”-

At that point, Mary thought she would have burst right then and there if Anna hadn’t left the room immediately. She had clearly said more than she meant and she feared she would have let herself go even more. God, not even a young girl would have behaved as she was.

-“I’ll be back in less than an hour.”- were the last words she heard from her before the maid finally closed the door behind her back.

\---

-“Thomas, do you have five minutes to speak?”-

-“You know I do.”- was the footman’s answer, as he polished some silver that hadn’t been used in a while but which Carson wanted perfectly shining, “Because we must stand up to the standard of the house”, as he proudly said.

Anna sat beside him in the empty dining room, wondering where all the others had gone before she remembered someone from the staff had suggested a walk in town after everyone had finished their chores and, thanks to Mrs. Hughes’ convincing, Carson had begrudgingly accepted at last.

-“Why aren’t you in town with the others?”-

-“I preferred to be with you.”-

-“You didn’t have to.”-

-“Believe me when I say I did. What can I do for you?”- he turned in his seat, placing the polisher on the table.

-“It’s just...Lady Mary.”-

Somehow, Thomas grasped the shade in Anna’s voice when she spoke her name.

-“Has she done something?”- he highly doubted that, having heard how the Lady was behaving with her maid, but asked the question nonetheless.

-“Yes and no. It only feels strange that-”-

-“Anna, please tell me that you are not going to talk about her behaviour again. She knows what happened to you and tonight more than ever she wants to be sure that you are not in danger. Where’s the problem in that?”-

He could only wish for someone to care for him as much as Lady Mary cared for Anna. The last time it happened it had been with the Duke of Crowborough and even then, he remembered perfectly how it ended.

-“She asked Mrs. Hughes to relieve me of my duties early this evening, and invited me to sleep in her bed, again.”- it was more the bewilderment of the situation that determined Anna’s tone while she spoke, rather than dislike.

Thomas looked at her. Since the maid had started to confide in him and told him about Lady Mary Crawley’s seemingly odd behaviour, a faint voice had begun to whisper in his ear from time to time. Because of Jimmy, he knew the sensation far too well and now he was starting to suspect he might have recognized the same pattern in the eldest Crawley sister. He knew it might have been all too probable, but he didn’t dare to say it out loud, not even to Anna. Not yet, at least.

-“She considers you a friend, someone worthy of her protection. I don’t see anything wrong in that.”-

Anna lifted an eyebrow, hearing something in Thomas’s tone that made her think he wasn’t exactly telling her what he was truly thinking. However, she had woken up earlier than usual that morning and she honestly just wished to sleep. She took her leave from the footman and wished him goodnight as usual, before walking up the stairs and returning to Mary’s room.

\---

She tried not to make any noise when she entered, only to discover Mary reading a book. Lit by the bedside lamp, her Lady was unusually beautiful, Anna thought.

-“Ah, good evening Anna. Did you bring your nightgown?”-

As soon as the words left Lady Crawley’s mouth Anna realized that no, she hadn’t.

-“I must have forgotten, milady. I’ll be back in a minute.”-

She was already closing the door behind her when she heard Mary calling her name.

-“You borrowed one of mines once, I see no difference in doing it twice.”-

The smile on her lips made it impossible for Anna to refuse her offer.

Albeit being July, it was dry and, on that particular night, abnormally cold, so the maid didn’t mind in the least to wear one of those satin nightgowns. When she came back from the bathroom and finally had the courage to climb into bed, staying at Mary’s left, the woman closed the book she was holding and turned off the light.

-“Would you mind talking?”-

The question came too suddenly to Anna and, to be honest, she wouldn’t have had the heart to refuse despite how tired she was feeling.

-“What about?”-

-“I don’t know...I know so little about you and do not misunderstand me, I know that your job as a lady’s maid is not that of deliberately talking about your life, but-”- she paused, unsure how to phrase what she meant.

-“I would like to, if it’s not too much trouble for you.”-

Anna smiled, a sense of overpowering warmth growing inside her. It was comforting, being there with Mary, though she acknowledged how wrong it was for her to feel that way.

-“I actually believe you know a lot about me, milady. In these last months you’ve asked me so many things about myself I’m not sure there’s anything left.”-

She was right, Mary thought. She also knew the maid wouldn’t talk about her step-father, but she wisely decided it wasn’t the best topic to face as such a late hour in the night. The woman looked out of the window, staring at the moon for a moment.

-“Do you hold some kind of interest in astronomy?”-

It was the first question that sprouted in her mind, but a new question nonetheless.

-“I do, thanks to Mr. Barrow.”-

-“Mr. Barrow?”-

-“I was surprised too when I first found out.”- she smiled, remembering their first discussion on the topic.

-“I would have never imagined our footman a man who held an interest in stars and planets.”-

-“Me neither, to be honest.”-

By that point they were both giggling, desperately trying to restrain themselves.

-“They are beautiful, though. The stars, I mean.”- admitted Mary, turning to face the other woman, though she could only make out some of her traits in the moonlight.

-“Shining on us and letting us live, even if they ignore the fact that without them, there wouldn’t be a single trace of life on this planet. Or on any other planet, for that matter. We love them and depend on them, yet we know that they will never love us back.”-

Only after her brief speech had ended Mary understood exactly what she had said. Her heart began to beat at the rhythm of a banging drum while she hoped with her whole being that Anna would have been oblivious to that description.

-“Even the Sun orbits the centre of our galaxy. We all depend on something, milady, whether we grasp the concept or not.”-

There was a silence so absolute they both thought they could hear each other’s blood rushing through their veins and pumping in their ears.

-“I believe you are right.”- said Mary at last, before sinking into her pillow and wishing Anna goodnight.

-“Goodnight, milady.”- the other woman answered, closing her eyes and finally relaxing after a long and slightly too emotional day of work.

Before she could fall asleep she felt Mary’s hand creeping into hers, with no words of explanation. She did not need any, she decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked this chapter!   
> Please, feel free to comment/ leave kudos, it makes me so genuinely happy and it takes so little time!  
> Also, by now I should say that TECHNICALLY i post a chapter every Tuesday, but it might end up being once every two weeks seeing how I decided to coordinate my work. 
> 
> So, see you next week and believe me, you will remember next chapter.


	8. Early Hours

A gentle flow of morning light was slowly making its way into the bedroom when Mary awoke. It was an unusually early hour for her, but she didn’t feel the drowsiness and heaviness of someone who hasn’t had enough hours of sleep.

Anna was asleep beside her, so close that Mary could feel her every breath on her neck. Somehow during the night, very probably without even noticing, the two of them had come so close to each other, with Mary’s left arm under Anna’s neck, that if it hadn’t been for their sex anybody would have probably described them as a lovely couple.

The thought caressed her mind, making her smile. Could there ever be a chance?

No, of course not, though she had stopped long ago regarding her feelings as a sin: how could something so beautiful and so holy be against the nature of man and God?

Turning her head, the lady smiled softly at the sight that stood alongside her: Italian painters such as Raffaello or Tiziano would have fought to paint the woman she was seeing, to capture the tenderness of the morning light through her hair, to choose the perfect tone for her fair skin or the proper shadow to highlight her lips. Naked, she would have been more like a goddess than a human being.

Mary jolted at her own thoughts, surprised by the indecency of the mental image she had just created. In doing so, involuntarily, she awoke the sleeping maid.

-“Milady?”-

Her voice was extremely sweet even at that moment, still coated with sleep. Mary looked at her, too taken to realize their proximity.

-“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”-

Despite her kindness, Anna would have gladly answered that yes, obviously she had woke her up, but the condition in which they found themselves prevented her from using such rude words. She glanced up, lightly shaking her head.

-“Not at all.”-

They both smiled lazily, not daring for one second to look away from each other’s eyes. Anna would have with no doubt traded all the gold in the world for the possibility to remain there, basking in that warmth and so near to Mary there was barely any space left between them. She breathed in and then, seemingly with no warning even to her own mind, but guided only by her instincts, kissed the base of Mary’s neck.

The woman closed her eyes at the sensation, so gentle and so new it made her long for more, to the point where she slightly tilted her head, exposing as much skin as she could to the sweet spell of Anna’s lips.

The maid, on her part, wasn’t exactly sure what was going on. It had been like a fish seeing a bait, being lured, biting into it and being then captured with no possibility of going back. Only, this did not feel like the end of a life; if anything, it resembled a beginning of something unexplored and forbidden, a path that the most adventurous explorers would have not dared to set foot on. But she did, and God knew she wasn’t regretting it in the least.

Leaning on her right elbow, left hand gently resting on Mary’s cheek, the maid kissed the skin of her neck, slowly trailing upwards to her jaw until her lips pressed on an area so sensitive the woman let out a sigh, curling her left hand’s fingers into Anna’s blonde hair.

The woman smirked, then proceeded in kissing again and again that same spot, drawing out senseless whispers and deeper moans from Mary with every touch, making her shake under her lips. She felt powerful, filled with a sense of pride and serenity immensely thrilling and new.

Against her every wish, with each passing second Mary was growing more and more aroused by the situation. To be honest she had never thought that someone like Anna, who was still unmarried, could be so skilled at one of the most sensual activities that her body had ever experienced. Entranced by her feelings, she suddenly turned her head and met her maid’s lips with hers, grasping at her nightgown.

The rushes of excitement that were running through the two women’s veins stopped. Every molecule stood still, every noise ceased, the ticking of the clock on the dresser came to an halt the moment their lips met. Mary distinctly felt all the pain she had leave her heart, replaced with a joy so bright and piercing that a tear rolled down her cheek. She wanted to tell her everything with a kiss, to confess her emotions and her fears through a touch of lips.

They both breathed in and out slowly a few times before the Lady parted her lower lip, pressing her hand into Anna’s hair with a plead. The maid smiled slightly, letting her tongue savour the taste of Mary’s mouth with anticipation, before finally giving in to her desires.

It was not a kiss one would expect from a lady. Not chaste, gentle only at the beginning, definitely not pure. But how could one expect a man who has wandered through a desert for months, with no water or food and who found himself in front of a luxurious banquet, to drink and eat like a sir?

When, eventually out of breath, the two women’s lips parted they remained so close to each other one couldn’t have been able to distinguish them.

-“Very glad to have been woken up by you.”- whispered Anna in a smile.

-“So I did wake you up”-

-“Yes.”- Anna confessed, her hand resting on Mary’s cheek.

Then it all came down, like an avalanche. The horror of what they had done. The fact that it had been her who had started it. How impossibly wrong it had been. But if it was wrong, her feelings at that moment weren’t making any sense. 

There was a battle, something in her head trying to convince her to kiss Mary again and again until the end of days, but it all soon was silenced by a stern voice, a part of her conscience who told her that this wasn’t her place, that this couldn’t be. 

Mary had observed that war in Anna’s features, her expressions so clear it seemed like she was speaking to herself, though not a word came out of her mouth.

-“I’m sorry.”- were the words she eventually chose, her look so helpless and so desperate it struck Mary to the heart of her soul. She kept smiling while Anna looked away, rose from the bed and closed the door behind herself, all in complete silence. It had been like a rush of adrenaline: powerful, but too quick and leaving an aching void behind when it ended.

As Mary had expected, the pain returned, stronger and more intense than ever. 

-

Anna was panicking. As soon as she returned to her room, thankfully unseen, she sat on the bed, staring blankly at the wall in front of her. How could she face seeing Mary again after what had happened? The only solution was to tell Mrs. Hughes that she wasn’t feeling well because, as cowardly as it was, she couldn’t bear looking her mistress in the eyes and behave as if the sky hadn’t fallen.

-

-“Mary, is everything all right?”-

The young woman lifted her head, meeting her mother’s worried look. Only then she realized she hadn’t really spoken a word since she came out of her room. 

-“Yes, Mama. Why?”- she asked with her usual nonchalance. 

-“You seem quieter than usual...”- she stepped nearer to her daughter. -“Have you heard from Tony?”-

Mary quirked an eyebrow.

-“Why?”-

-“Only, I heard voices that things aren’t going as well as one could imagine, with his fiancée.”-

Mary puffed, growing increasingly annoyed every time her mother brought up the topic of remarrying; because she was fairly sure that this was what she was trying to tell her.

-“You’re becoming predictable, Mama.”-

Cora lowered her gaze, recognising that maybe her daughter was right, but there was something she wasn’t telling her and knowing that Mary didn’t trust her enough to confide in her broke her heart.

-“Mary, I only wish you could tell me what is happening to you.”-

-“Why would you think that something is happening to me at all?”- Mary asked, realizing only after the words had left her mouth that she had screamed them. 

-“Mary! This is not the way to behave.”-

The woman lowered her gaze to the ground, recognizing the mistake she had just made.

-“I’m thinking of going to America for a few weeks.”- 

The sentence had no place in the conversation they were having, but she knew she would have had to say it sooner or later. She had had the idea that same morning, before breakfast and, as dangerous as it sounded, her overwhelming feelings let her understand that she needed to be as far away from Anna as possible at that moment.

-“What? Why?”-

-“I want to see what’s new, and I haven’t seen granny in a while. I’m sure she’ll be pleased to see me.”-

-“Mary, you are perfectly aware that you can’t do that. What would people say?”- Cora was growing more and more exasperated by the minute. What was happening to her daughter? She knew this wasn’t in her character, she had never been so sudden before and it was beginning to worry her.

-“That the daughter of the Earl of Grantham is visiting her grandmother.”- 

Mary was perfectly aware of how outlandish that sounded, but for once she didn’t care. Yes, people might have talked, but she had overcome far worse gossips about her.

Cora knew there would have been no talking her down, no changing her mind. Her eldest daughter had always been the most stubborn, for good or for bad.

-“You have to promise me one thing, Mary.”- she stepped closer and held one of her daughter’s hands into hers.

-“If I give you my permission to go when you return you will tell me the real reason why you went.”-

Mary’s cheeks almost instantly burned hot. She didn’t have enough courage to face the woman she had fallen in love with and who had kissed her that very morning, let alone confessing to her mother that was precisely the reason why she wanted to be away from Downton. _But she is your mother. She is your family_ a voice whispered in her conscience. _And she’s American._ it then added.

Breathing in deeply, she nodded. 

-“I will, Mama.”-

Cora’s features softened at the words. She brought one hand on Mary’s cheek, stroking her thumb on the skin. 

-“Do you know already when you will leave? Will you at least wait for your father to return?”-

-“I had in mind to set off tomorrow, to be honest.”-

-“Tomorrow?”- now Cora was tense again. What had gotten into Mary’s mind?

-“Isn’t that too soon? How can you arrange that?”-

-“The ticket is already booked, I have to tell Granny but for the rest it won’t be a problem.”-

-“And what about Anna? Does she know already?”-

It took a good part of Mary’s control not to have any reaction when her maid’s name was mentioned. 

-“She won’t be coming with me.”-

-“That is just unacceptable Mary, and you know it.”- she scolded her with a glare.

-“She isn’t feeling well, Mama. I don’t want to bring her on the other side of the Ocean for weeks, it could only worsen her condition.”- 

It was a plausible excuse, to the point where Cora did not question it. If what Mary was saying was true she had good reason not to bring Anna with her, and she couldn’t see why her daughter would lie about something like that.

-“You could bring someone else from the household. What about-”-

-“No, Mama. I’ll simply tell granny to have someone ready when I arrive.”-

-“And during the voyage?”-

-“I’ll arrange something, Mama. Don’t worry and please, don’t say anything.”-

They talked for another few minutes before parting ways, Cora more perturbed than ever. She knew Mary and hasty decisions had never been a part of her. She liked to reason on things, to ponder on offers. She had seen her discuss with Robert and Tom for hours on end about the estate and its fields, just to understand what was the right decision.

She had noticed something, though. Probably nothing, probably meaningless. But it was something that did not add up.

\---

Despite the book she was reading, despite the sound of rain outside, Anna was considering killing herself out of boredom. Yes, she would have done anything to avoid seeing Mary after what had happened that morning, but maybe lying about her health and thus being confined to her room for the rest of the day hadn’t exactly been her brightest idea. 

Not more than five minutes could pass without her thinking about it. The scene kept replaying in her head, together with all its sensations. The pleasant touch of Mary’s lips on hers, her hand behind her neck, goosebumps, heart thundering in her chest, an unknown sensation spreading through her whole body while they kissed. It had been so beautiful and she ruined it. But what else could she have done?

-“Anna? May I?”-

Her stream of consciousness was interrupted by Thomas’s voice, coming from outside the door. 

How in the world had Mrs. Hughes allowed him to be there?

-“Thomas?”-

-“I’ve brought up something for you to eat.”-

Only then did Anna looked at the clock on her bedside table and realized that it was almost 1 P.M. Time must have passed quicker than it seemed.

She got up and walked towards the door, faking a cough. She had to seem at least a little credible, though she doubted the footman would have fallen for it. When she opened it, he was standing on the other side, smiling and carrying a wooden tray in his hands.

-“How did you convince Mrs. Hughes?”- the maid asked, amusement glittering in her eyes.

-“May I?”- he repeated, gesturing with his head towards the bed. 

Anna nodded slightly, making space for him to walk in and closing the door behind them.

-“I didn’t have to do much convincing, to be honest. I highly doubt someone would be worried about me being in the same room as you. Or any other woman in this house, to be honest.”- Thomas joked, laying the tray on the bed.

-“You don’t seem sick.”- he noted, looking up at her. 

For a moment Anna thought about lying to him, but she dismissed it quickly. She wouldn’t have been convincing enough, that she knew for a fact, and she didn’t feel the need to hide something from Thomas.

-“If I tell you something, can you keep it secret?”-

He quirked an eyebrow, seemingly offended. He was already keeping so many secrets of her and he wouldn’t have spoken a word under any kind of torture. Obviously, he could keep another.

-“I know you can. I’m sorry.”-

She walked up to the window, her gaze fixed onto the pouring rain.

-“I lied to Mrs. Hughes, you’re right, but there’s one person I have not the strength to face right now.”- the maid confessed, feeling a lump forming in her throat. She knew Thomas would have been the last one to judge her and yet she felt so ashamed.

-“Mh...”- Thomas paced the room, before eventually reaching the window and stopping beside Anna. 

-“Does that person happen to be Lady Mary, by chance?”-

She turned to him with flushed cheeks, giving him an obvious answer.

-“Oh, Thomas...”- the maid whispered, leaning towards him in a silent demand for consolation. The man took her in his arms with no hesitation, felling her whimpers suffocated into his uniform. 

-“I’m sorry...”-

-“Don’t apologise to me, Anna.”- 

He looked at her, his eyes pleading to know what was causing her so much pain.

After a few more minutes of silence, she finally spoke.

-“I did something, Thomas. I started something and even though no greater error has ever been made in this house, I...”- she breathed out, pausing for an instant. -“I didn’t feel it to be wrong, I didn’t think it was a mistake.”- 

It took a few seconds before Thomas read between the lines of what she was saying. When he did, a slight smile appeared on his lips for an instant. 

-“And now you do?”-

-“Obviously. Why wouldn’t I?”- she asked with soreness.

-“Had she something to say about it?”-

-“I...I don’t know.”-

It wouldn’t have changed much, perhaps, but the maid hadn’t thought about the fact that she had disappeared before Mary could say something more than “Good morning”. Another reason for shame and, in that case, rudeness.

-“Then how can you be so desperate?”- 

He envied her. She had what she wanted one step from her, while he was bound to be rejected everywhere he looked. 

-“Thomas, can you see a way for this to work? How can a sin against God and man not-”-

-“Do you love her?”- he interrupted, his eyes now fixated on hers. 

Anna couldn’t answer. Not because she did not want to, but simply because she had genuinely no idea about what she could have said. She had never questioned her feelings for Mary, before that morning she never even thought she could be interested in women. 

-“I don’t know.”- 

Thomas knew she was being honest with him.

-“You know...”- he walked towards the door, ready to leave.

-“You should speak to her, regardless of your feelings. You owe it to Lady Mary.”-

God knew how right Thomas was, and so did Anna. She had to talk to Mary, and she would have done it as soon as possible. Maybe that same night.

\---

Mary was sitting in her armchair reading, when she heard a knock on the door.

-“Yes.”- she uttered, allowing who was presumably Mrs. Hughes to enter in order to undress her for the night.

She rose from her seat and laid the closed book on the table behind her, giving her back to the door.

-“Milady.”-

Mary froze in her steps, if only for a moment. Since that morning she had been thinking about what to say to her and to be honest she hadn’t come up with anything sensible. Swallowing, she slowly turned, her breaths catching up to the drumming rhythm of her heartbeats. 

-“Anna. If you have to say again that you are sorry for what happened this morning, please don’t.”-

The maid studied her words with a questioning look, tilting her head to the side. 

-“I wanted to apologise, because regardless of what happened I should have never behaved as I did. I should not have left you with no words or explanation, only to then disappear for the rest of the day.”- she explained, taking a small step forwards. 

-“Oh, don’t worry. I wouldn’t have expected you to behave otherwise.”-

It was a cruel thing to say, but Mary was being sincere. Maybe, in Anna’s shoes, she would have even done the same thing.

-“It was not right of me, and I am immensely sorry, milady.”-

-“Anna-”- 

Mary paused for a moment, feeling the sting of tears into her eyes. _Not now, Mary._ She commanded to herself. _You can’t break down now._

-“I believe there is something I ought to tell you. Something it is only your right to know.”-

Anna hoped Mary hadn’t noticed, but she was shivering and it had nothing to do with the open window. She was tempted to flee the situation again, but she couldn’t do that to her. Mary didn’t deserve it.

-“Yes, milady?”-

-“This morning, when you kissed me, I was astonished. I didn’t respond immediately because I was not completely sure it was not a dream. The last thing I want to do is burden you with what I am going to say and it might sound incredibly selfish of me, but I’m not a member of the working class, I am not used to hiding my feelings. I am not expected to do it and I never learnt how to.”- her breaths were shallow and shaky, but she kept on speaking, knowing that a pause a bit longer would have ruined her. 

-“Months ago I was desperate. I was grieving Matthew and I kept thinking I would have never been able to love again as intensely as I loved him. I didn’t know how wrong I was and to be honest, I don’t know when it began, but despite all the pain that it’s bringing me I could never ask not to be in love with you.”- tears were falling down her cheeks by the end of her speech, but her eyes were still fixed in Anna’s, desperately trying to discern every emotion that passed through them.

The maid’s sweet eyes widened in something that could never be described as surprise alone. Since the concert she had thought she could see more in how Mary treated and behaved around her, but never in her wildest dreams she could have imagined that the right word to describe her mistress’ feelings was “love”. Wasn’t it a word too strong to be used with her? Could she ever be worthy of such an emotion? Then again, Anna reminded herself, Mary had fallen in love before, she knew how to recognize the feeling.

-“Anna? What are you doing here?”-

Lost in her mind, Anna had totally failed to notice that Mrs. Hughes had joined them in the room, certainly to undress Lady Mary, who took her words before she could have the chance to open her mouth.

-“I called for her. I know she is sick and I apologise, but I realized I hadn’t told her yet that tomorrow I’m going to America.”

Mrs. Hughes nodded slightly, before turning to face the maid.

-“How are you feeling? Better?”-

It took a few seconds before Anna registered that someone had spoken to her. Suddenly, every emotion was defeated by a sense of rage she had seldom felt before in her life: Mary was running away from her and she was fairly sure she wouldn’t have even told her, had it not been for Mrs. Hughes. 

She managed to mutter a quick “Goodnight, m’ lady”, before exiting the room, feeling her mistress’s stare on her back. 

-

The cluster of emotions that had washed over Anna that day was gathering around her, scorching and pushing at her insides, eager to come out. That night she cried herself to sleep, feeling that tears might have been the only real relief she could find at the moment.

The greatest surprise came the following day though, when upon awakening Anna’s eyes catched the white glimpse of a folded piece of paper on the floor, reflecting the early morning sunshine. Upon further inspection, she realized it was a letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!
> 
> I hadn't updated for a while because I was stuck with the first scene. I really hope you like what you're reading and if so, please leave a comment. It helps and brings me so much joy.
> 
> See you next week beautiful souls!


	9. Tedious Doubt

_**My dearest, Anna** _

_**A part of me would have never wanted us to separate so hastily. I should like to tell you my motives for what I have decided to do, but to be true there are none.** _

At least Mary was admitting her cowardice, Anna thought. There was still a faint voice whispering that she shouldn’t have thought ill of her employer, but it collapsed under the weight of the realisation that, whatever would have happened between them, the lady’s maid – mistress relationship no longer could describe them. 

_**I am sorry for what I’ve caused you. The situation I put you in is not simple, nor has a clear way out and I am aware of how, whatever you decide to do, the picture of us can never be the same.** _

_**Selfishly, I would ask you not to go. Realistically, I play no part in what you will decide to do and, should your final choice be that of leaving, I will not fight it.** _

Before that very moment, the thought of leaving had never even crossed her mind. Why would Anna willingly part from Downton?

_**However, I am not sorry for confessing my true feelings to you, though I recognize the situation might have been better. There is a part of me that wonders about the one shared moment we had. I don’t know to which instinct you gave in, I do not know whether it was a spur of the moment or not, but I have to thank you. You showed me happiness I forgot I could feel and regardless of how this will end, I will always bring the memory of that moment in my heart.** _

At that, not even Anna could answer. God knows why she had acted the way she had. Or maybe not even he would have something to say about it. 

Something in her was pleading to accept the fact that it had been a spur of the moment, that the morning drowsiness together with their proximity had in some way made her do what she did. As always, though, she was not satisfied with that explanation.

_**I will be back in more or less two weeks, should you decide to leave I pray that you do that after my return.** _

_**Come what may, as long as you are alive know that I could never be happy with anyone else.** _

_**Truly yours,** _

_**M.** _

Anna was so absorbed in the words of that letter that she was startled by the knock at the door, soon accompanied by Daisy’s voice announcing the start of their day. She carefully folded the letter and put it inside her corset, feeling that otherwise it might have been too exposed to everyone’s eyes.

While going down the stairs, while hastily eating breakfast and during a good portion of the morning the words she had read played in her head like a broken gramophone, over and over again. It was a song, though, she couldn’t possibly be tired of hearing.

\---

The smell of the sea delighted Mary. Though her youth had been filled with travels, it had mostly been on land. The only times she had been on a boat it was to pass the English Channel and even then, it had never been more than a couple of hours.

Now, however, she would have been at sea for three days before reaching New York, which excited her more than she could care to mention.

Leaning on the parapet of the main deck the woman let her eyes wander through the gentle waves of the ocean, until something broke the silence:

-“ _To cry to th’ sea that roared to us, to sigh_

_To th’ winds whose pity, sighing back again,_

_Did us but loving wrong._ ”-

Mary turned, surprised by the voice she had just heard behind her: she found out it belonged to a young man, whose features were so gentle they could have easily belonged to a woman from the British upper class. Dark curls caressed his forehead, framing his face in the sweetest of ways.

-“The Tempest. A beautiful comedy, underrated in my opinion.”- he proceeded, walking nearer to Mary. 

-“Oh, I’m so sorry...”- he pressed the hat he was holding to his chest and bowed his head. -“Peter Sherwood.”-

-“Lady Mary Crawley.”- she answered, her initial diffidence sweetened by the manners and fairness of the person beside her. 

-“Is this your first time at sea for such a long time, Lady Mary?”-

She returned her gaze to the waves, nodding.

-“I have only ever been to Europe and even then, my parents never found the thought of being on a boat remarkably entertaining.”- 

-“I find it mesmerizing. An example of how little we can do against the most powerful force of nature.”-

-“Were you born in a town near the sea?”- 

Mary turned to him, now leaning her left side against the wooden barrier.

-“To be honest, I was born in Stratford, but I moved to London a few years ago.”-

There was a brief silence before the woman eventually asked:

-“What brings you to New York, if I may know?”-

The man smiled sadly.

-“I hope I can find somewhere where I can just...be.”- he gestured towards himself, opening his arms. 

It did not take long for Mary to understand what he was implying and while in the older days she would have politely taken her leave from him, now the thought didn’t even cross her mind.

-“I can understand why you fled England, God knows. But why do you think you can find your place in America?”-

-“They are far more open-minded than us. And they know how to party.”-

The woman couldn’t help but giggle, covering her mouth with one hand to suppress the noise. He smiled, too, observing her with fascination.

When Mary noticed how the stranger was looking at her, she immediately regained her posture, excusing herself for her behaviour.

-“Why on Earth should you be sorry for laughing? Is there anything bad about it that I am not aware of?”- 

-“It’s not how someone like me should behave at all.”-

-“It might be rare to see an English member of the upper class smiling, but I don’t believe it’s forbidden.”-

He was right, Mary thought. 

A part of her conscience was wondering how she had ended up like that, talking and laughing with a stranger like she had only ever done before with the closest members of her family, but for once the woman decided she did not want to listen to that stubborn little voice in her head who was judging her every movement.

-“We are taught to be polite and that does not include laughter.”-

Peter shifted in his position, now giving his back to the ocean.

-“Such a pity. Forgive me if I say something too audacious, but you have a beautiful laughter.”- he paused, his lips perpetually curved in that gentle smile Mary was beginning to think was part of his genetics.

-“May I know why is a woman like you traveling alone? And why to New York?”-

-“My grandmother is American, she lives there.”-

-“And why are you alone here, Mrs. Crawley?”-

By the way he was looking at her it seemed like he already knew the answer, and was only waiting for her to say it out loud. Could she trust him? The obvious answer was “no”, seeing that she had met him not ten minutes ago and that she had recklessly decided to tell him her real name.

-“Mr. Sherwood...do I need to worry about all these questions?”-

He immediately straightened up, a worried look in his eyes.

-“No, I’m immensely sorry if I bothered you. Please, say a word and I will be on my way.”-

-“Don’t worry, I’m not bothered at all.”-

-“So?”-

Would she have seen him again? Very probably not, but he did know her name. And she desperately needed someone to confide in. 

Mary turned to the ocean again, breathing in the cold, salty air.

-“You are right, I should be with a maid and not that I don’t have one, but...things got fairly complicated.”- 

Peter raised an eyebrow, unsure about whether he was understanding correctly or not. He gave a quick look around them to assure that no one was listening in.

-“What sort of ‘things’, if I may?”-

-“You made sure that we were alone before asking this question. I believe you already understood what I am talking about.”-

-“Feelings do get quite complicated sometimes, but it doesn’t mean that we have to get away whenever we think we might not be able to control them.”-

Mary smiled, though there was no trace of happiness whatsoever on her features.

-“So how can we behave when fear overcomes us?”-

-“Isn’t love greater than fear?”-

 _It is,_ she wanted to answer, but unfortunately her condition was so much more complicated than that.

-“My position prevents me from deliberately deciding who to love if the person happens to be of my same sex. I can’t simply go away with her, Mr. Sherwood. I can’t hide and I don’t know if I could bear the look of terror on my family’s faces if I were to tell them that I have fallen in love with a woman, and a maid nonetheless.”-

Peter nodded slightly. Despite being of an entirely different social background, it didn’t take a genius to understand that there was not a definitive good choice for Lady Mary Crawley.

-“I think you have to decide: either you overcome your fears and accept the risk of being with her, or you simply send her away and tell her not to come and see you ever again.”-

Mary’s head flashed in Peter’s direction, her eyes filled with something that resembled fury.

-“I cannot curse her because of something that regards me.”-

-“You are not cursing anyone. If you give her a good reference I’m sure she will immediately find another job.”-

-“But I am still forcing her to completely change her life, to abandon everyone she knows, to...”- she trailed off, surprised by how shaky her voice had become in the course of a single sentence.

-“Abandon you. And I believe it’s the last thing you want.”-

She had never been an open book before. How could a stranger tell so much about her after having known her for less than an hour? God, she loathed this newfound weakness almost more than her situation.

-“I have to go right now, Mrs. Crawley, but I believe we will meet again during this voyage. I look forward to another conversation with you.”- 

He bowed politely, before putting on his hat and disappearing through the hallways of the ship. 

\---

Cora was quite pleased with how the church fair was turning out: she had managed to organize everything at the best of her abilities with only the occasional help from Mr. Carson of Mrs. Hughes. 

However, something was needling at her mind whenever she had a moment of pause during the day: her daughter was hiding something from her. Sure, she had promised she would have told her the truth as soon as she got back from America, but if she knew Mary she was also aware of how easy it was for her to lie.

There was a scene replaying in her mind when she thought of the conversation they had the day before: how Mary’s posture had imperceptibly changed at the mention of Anna’s name. Maybe she knew something and sure, she was very probably the most loyal person to Mary in the entire household, but Cora was still her superior. 

-

-“Anna, Her Ladyship wants to see you.”-

Jimmy’s voice seemed so much farther away than it really was. The lady’s maid looked up from the tablecloth she was mending with a worried look:

-“Did she tell you why?”-

The footman’s shrug was answer enough. She rose from her seat and walked up the stairs, finding it strange that Her Ladyship would have asked her and not Mrs. Hughes something about the upcoming fair.

-“Your Ladyship, how can I be of help?”- she asked as soon as she was in the library.

Cora turned in her seat and smiled politely at the maid.

-“Anna. I’m sorry if I bothered you, I will be quick.”- she stood up and walked towards her. 

-“Do you know, by any chance, why Lady Mary would have left so suddenly?”-

The question was unexpected, too much so for the maid not to have any reaction to it: her eyes widened for an instant at the mention of Mary’s name, and her breath caught in her throat. 

-“No, Your Ladyship. She didn’t tell me anything.”- 

As she spoke, she felt the folded piece of paper pressing at her chest as if it had been a knife. She had always hated lying, but she had no idea what Mary may or may have not told her mother and she certainly wouldn’t have risked both their reputations.

The woman pondered on the answer as if knowing perfectly that there was no truth in it. However, after a few seconds, she dismissed her without further ado.

While returning to the downstairs, Anna heard faint crying coming from the second floor. It must have been Mr. George, she thought, but why the nanny wasn’t there she couldn’t tell. 

She had nothing to do with Lady Mary’s son, but the crying wouldn’t stop and before she could ponder on the question too much she walked up the stairs and into the small room, finding the two children alone. The nanny must have gone downstairs for a moment.

As soon as she stepped in, her attention focused on the small baby in the crib, who was wailing and moving relentlessly. Unsure about what to do, Anna decided to pick him up and started rocking him gently in her arms, hoping that the motion would have calmed him down. Only then she realized that she had seen him at birth, but never after. He was beautiful, portraying perfectly his father’s blue eyes, which at that moment were watching her as if she was a fairy.

-“Hello...”- Anna whispered, gently caressing his cheek. 

-“You certainly know how to behave with children much better than me.”-

Tom’s voice arrived unannounced, but she managed not to make any harsh movements while she turned to face the man.

-“I wouldn’t say so. You are a wonderful father, Tom.”-

Normally she would have called him Mr. Branson, but he himself had pleaded them over and over to keep on calling him with his name.

-“Where is the nanny?”- he asked, stepping into the room and giving a glance at Sybil, who despite all the noise was still sleeping.

-“She must have gone somewhere, I had not in mind to come here but then I heard the crying.”-

Tom smiled, softened at the sight that stood before him. Then a shadow passed through his mind, much like a dejà-vu.

-“Anna, may I ask you a question?”-

-“Yes.”-

-“How are things going between you and Lady Mary?”-

Anna’s eyes bolted up in panic and a million questions started flooding her head. Had Mary told him? How much did he know? Was this a casual question?

She lowered her gaze to the baby, noticing that was beginning to drowse in her arms. 

-“How do you mean?”- she managed to ask.

-“Has she told you anything, as of recent?”-

After the last time he and Mary had spoken about it, the matter had not been touched again, so Tom didn’t have the faintest idea as to how much Anna already knew.

-“I don’t believe so.”- 

Her voice was almost shaking and certainly Tom had noticed.

The man studied her for a moment, her body language, her expression, the look in her eyes. He knew her too well not to recognize the distress in her features.

-“A confession of sorts, perhaps?”-

-“Has she told you?”- she asked, slightly surprised. Tom was a good friend to Mary, but to be honest Anna thought she would have wanted to keep it a secret from the world.

-“She told me she believed to be in love with the wrong person.”-

The all-too-familiar sensation of tears stung her eyes for a moment, despite perfectly knowing and sharing Mary’s consideration on the matter.

-“Only...”- the man stepped even closer. -“...I don’t believe she is. I believe neither of you is in love with the wrong person, Anna. In fact, you might be a definite way out of her dark place.”-

-“What makes you say that I reciprocate her feelings?”- she asked, sounding a bit too arrogant in her tone.

-“Don’t you?”-

The question came so simply, yet with an answer that was all but. The maid quietly laid the sleeping baby in his crib, before giving her attention back to Tom.

-“To be honest, I don’t think that is the main problem. Think about it for a moment, Tom: how could any of this be possible even if I reciprocated her?”-

It would have been nearly if not at all impossible and Tom was well aware of it. He had seen many times men and women with an interest in their own sex carried away by the police or found near death in some dark alley of London. He lowered his gaze seemingly defeated by her argument, before his head straightened up again.

-“Look at me and Sybil. We were not illegal, that much is true, but everyone was against our union.”-

-“I can’t, Tom.”-

-“Why?”-

-“Because...”- the tears began falling, cracking her voice before she could end the sentence. She covered her mouth with one hand and cleared her throat under Tom’s pitiful look before proceeding.

-“Because I cannot do that to her. Accepting her love would mean ruining her life...what would people think of her then?”-

-“Do you have feelings for her, Anna? I think that is the only question you need to ask yourself. If not, then tell her, but if you do then let yourself be happy. Love is not a chance that comes to everyone, and most times it doesn’t come to last.”- 

Those were the last words she heard from him before he politely excused himself and left the room, very probably because he was on the verge of tears, too.

Anna wiped away hers before returning downstairs, her head exploding with questions that didn’t leave her for the whole day.

The question really was that simple, it was the only problem that actually needed facing, and to Hell the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kind comments on the previous chapter!  
> Thank you, really, as I have said before it warms my heart to see that what I create is appreciated to this level.
> 
> P.S. Peter is not exactly an OC, he's more or less inspired by Michael Sheen's character in Bright Young Things.💕


	10. Alley Near Central Park

New York was different. Not necessarily better than London, no, but it was immensely contrasting to what every English could have been used to. At least, that was what Mary was feeling right now, observing the crowd from the window of her room. 

She had arrived the day before and, very probably because of the time-zone, she wasn’t feeling particularly tired despite it being nearly midnight. Wanting to have a taste of the city she had so desperately escaped to, she silently exited the bedroom and walked downstairs, her steps resounding on the stairs and in the emptiness of the hallway.

-“Are you planning on sneaking outside unnoticed?”-

Mary turned to the living room, meeting her grandmother’s bright stare.

-“I could never, granny. I only thought you were already asleep. What are you doing still up?”-

Martha smiled and rose from her seat, keeping a cigarette between the fingers of her left hand. 

-“I couldn’t sleep. I imagine the difference between our time-zones is having the same effect on you.”-

-“You are guessing right.”- Mary replied, her tone slightly more cheerful and high-pitched than she would have wanted to. Her grandmother raised an eyebrow.

-“Is something burdening you, my dear?”-

-“Why would you ever think so?”-

-“I might not have spent much time with you, but might I remind you that I have two children. I know when something is not going the way you’d want it to, believe me.”-

Mary huffed, lowering her eyes to the ground for an instant. Heavy-headed by the journey and distracted with the weight of her own feelings, the young woman wasn’t being exactly her best self, or better still, the version of herself that she had made known to the word. 

-“Would you mind telling me?”- the older woman asked, pointing towards the red sofa behind her. 

If Mary chose to tell her, she would have been the first member of her family to know and, she suspected, the only one who wouldn’t have lost their head at the confession. Still, the thought of it alone frightened her to a completely new level.

-“It’s not a question of minding, granny. I believe the matter is far more concerning than you might imagine.”- she answered, sitting on the sofa. The other woman sat beside her, a worried look lightly painted on her features.

-“I-...I am immensely afraid of how you will look at me.”- 

Her voice trembled and cracked, filled with fear and shame.

-“Oh, my darling Mary...”- Martha whispered, turning towards her and taking both her hands into hers. -“There is nothing you might tell me that could have the slightest chance of changing the fact that you are my granddaughter and I love you immensely.”-

-“Strong words for a lady.”-

-“You forget I am American.”- they both chuckled at her witty remark, before she went on and tightened her grip around Mary’s fingers.

-“Tell me what is troubling you.”-

Much to her surprise, the younger woman had begun to tremble slightly, though to her it felt as if the core of her heart itself was shivering. She brought one hand to her mouth to suppress the rising sighs.

-“I’m sorry...I’m so sorry...”- Mary whispered, feeling the tears already burning in her eyes. Her grandmother took her into her arms without hesitation, pressing her hands on her back in wide circles to try and calm her down.

-“Why would you ever be, my darling?”- she asked tenderly.

It took a few seconds before Mary was finally able to mutter something else other than senseless apologies.

-“Anna...”- was the first word that left her mouth, though it resembled more a call for help rather than a confession.

-“Your maid?”-

Martha had always had an extraordinary ability in remembering people and names and that wasn’t an exception. She vividly remembered the kind maid that Mary had just named, though she couldn’t imagine why on earth her granddaughter had brought her up.

-“Yes...”- 

-“How is she relevant in what is troubling you?”-

The younger woman swallowed, gently pushing away from the embrace to look her grandmother in the eyes, a decision which turned out to be much worse than she expected.

-“I-...”- she breathed in, trying to gather as much courage as she could to spit out those damned words, but failed miserably. Every time she even thought of that sentence her breaths caught in her throat and her blood started pulsating in her ears. 

-“Why can’t I even say it?”- the woman screamed in exasperation, her voice echoing in the emptiness of the room.

Martha looked at her with pity, bringing one hand to her cheek and gently wiping away the tears.

-“You will have to learn how to, my darling. Come on.”-

It didn’t take long for Mary to understand that her grandmother very possibly had already realized what she wanted to say. It wasn’t difficult to imagine, given how much struggle was visibly showing on her at that moment, but Martha was right. If somehow, she wanted to say those same words to her family one day, she couldn’t break down and crumble under their weight. 

Clearing her throat, she regained her posture and, if only for a moment, turned back to the Mary Crawley that the world knew.

-“I am in love with her.”-

The air stood still after the sentence was spoken, the letters seemingly lingering in the air as if to tell her that it was a shame, and illness, a fault. Mary clenched her grandmother’s hand, still resting on her cheek, and whispered again with her eyes closed:

-“I’m sorry...”-

The elder woman took her once again in her arms, kissing her forehead. It pained her more than she could say, to see someone so strong and seemingly able to overcome every obstacle, broken apart by love. 

-“No one should ever be ashamed of loving, Mary, regardless of the person your feelings are directed to.”-

There was silence for a long time after that, with Mary trying to return to a normal breathing pace and Martha holding her, striving to let her understand that all the fear that was crowding inside of her was senseless whenever she was with someone who belonged to her own family. 

At least, she prayed for it to be so when Mary returned to England.

-

Despite the heat of August’s Sun, Anna didn’t mind being outside whenever there was a chance. The church fair was going extremely well and the smell of flowers and grass that surrounded the Abbey, together with the perpetual chirping of the birds did nothing but add to the almost fairy-tale-like atmosphere.

-“It’s such a beautiful day. I wonder if the Sun will keep shining for the rest of the month or if this is only a fortunate occasion.”- commented Mrs. Hughes from her spot under the marquee.

-“I don’t believe the weather will stay this way for long, Mrs. Hughes. England has never been known for its sunny days.”-

The housekeeper smiled, stepping out of the shadows and looking up for an instant to the sunflower blue that filled the sky, allowing herself a moment of relaxation in the chaos of the day.

-“How are you feeling?”- 

Anna turned to face the woman, not needing further clarification to understand what she was asking. Every so often she would ask that same question and the maid had never even thought about not answering with sincerity. After all, Mrs. Hughes was maybe the person she trusted in the most, together with Thomas.

-“Well, Mrs. Hughes.”-

Much to her delight, it was true. Not that she didn’t think about it, but now it wasn’t every day. Now he didn’t tower over her in her dreams and laughed at her in her own mind. At least, not as often as he did in the first few months after the Concert. 

-“Mrs. Hughes...”- the maid started, turning to her superior.

-“Yes?”-

Anna didn’t know exactly what she wanted to ask her and, after a few moments, she realized that probably she couldn’t have said anything anyway. On one hand, she so desperately wished to know if what she was feeling was, indeed, love. How did loving a person feel like? How much pain, how much joy did it bring to know that the other person loved you back? 

-“Nothing, I’m sorry, it was just a stupid question.”-

Mrs. Hughes eyed her with an inquisitive look, but ultimately decided it would have probably been better not to say anything. She politely smiled and walked away, leaving Anna alone under the warm rays of the midday Sun.

-

-“You managed everything marvellously, my dear, I have to admit it.”- confessed Robert once he was back in his library, minutes after the fair had ended. Cora smiled proudly beside him.

-“It was quite beautiful, and the weather was surely on our side.”-

He smiled, before something crossed his mind.

-“Where is Mary? I haven’t seen her all day. Is she ill?”- he asked with a hint of preoccupation in his voice.

-“She’s gone to America, to be with her grandmother for a few weeks.”-

-“America?”- he rose from his seat, baffled at the information. 

-“I really have no idea what came over her.”-

-“She surely must have had a valid reason to do something so harshly.”-

-“I hope so.”- Cora smiled, deciding that for the moment it would have been better not to let Robert know of her worries.

-

The quiet that coated the nights at the Abbey almost seemed unreal to Rose. Used as she was to the joy and spark of London’s nightlife, having the opportunity to simply sit on a bench and listen to the crickets, even spotting a firefly from time to time made the young girl almost feel like she was on a different planet. She was blissfully basking in the silence when she heard sudden steps on the gravel.

-“Hello?”-

She turned, spotting Thomas’s tall figure emerging from the shadows of the tree beside her.

-“Oh, I’m sorry Lady MacClare, I didn’t mean to disturb you.”- he quickly apologized.

-“Nonsense, the beauty of this night was certainly not made for only one person to enjoy.”- 

The footman smiled politely, although unsure about whether he had to see that sentence as an invitation to stay or not. Normally he would have had no doubts and left immediately, but that young Lady was unpredictable in every possible way.

-“Come, if you don’t mind.”- she went on, shifting slightly on the bench to invite him. The man raised an eyebrow, bewildered at the proposition.

-“I certainly don’t, milady, but I am not sure this is appropriate.”-

-“I don’t think someone will see us. And even if they do, what are they going to say? A man and a woman are having a conversation on a pleasant summer night.”-

At that point, Thomas hadn’t much of an argument left. He walked towards the bench and hesitantly sat on it, gazing up at the stars.

-“It’s quite a beautiful sky.”- Rose noticed, following the footman’s eyes.

-“Being so far from the lights of the city, there is a nice opportunity for anyone interested in the stars to fully admire them out here.”-

-“Are you such a man, Mr. Barrow?”-

-“I can’t proclaim myself an expert, but I certainly do hold a passion in the stars, milady.”-

-“Really?”- she asked with the same enthusiasm a child would have in front of a candy stand at a fair. -“Could you tell me which constellations we are looking at?”-

The man couldn’t avoid a sincere smile. Returning his look to the night sky, he pointed at a group of stars directly above them. 

-“That is the Aquila constellation. If you look closely you’ll see a particularly bright star, Altair.”- he explained, shifting closer to Rose to show her the stars that formed the celestial image. 

-“And that one is the Polaris, the brightest star in the celestial North. Well, actually there are three stars in there, but we see it as one.”-

-“How fascinating...”- the young girl whispered, seemingly mesmerized both by the number of stars she was observing and by the footman’s ability to explain them.

-“They are. Oh, and that...”- he moved his finger slightly downward -“...is Deneb, in the Cygnus constellation. According to a Chinese myth, it allows two lovers to reunite once every year.”- 

Rose smirked, thinking that if she had the certainty for her and Jack to be safe together, she would have gladly accepted to meet him even only once every year under the protection of that same star.

-“If I may, Mr. Barrow, why does someone such as you know so much about astronomy?”-

-“My mother. Her father taught the subject and had dozens of books on the matter. They might have not been exactly up to date, but as a boy, I was extremely fascinated with the outer space.”-

The girl hinted a smile.

-“Well, I hope we will have more conversations like this, Mr. Barrow.”- she said, rising from the bench. The man followed suit, walking her to the gravel path and cordially bidding her goodnight. 

He allowed himself a few more minutes of stargazing, before being interrupted by Anna’s voice.

-“Mr. Carson is looking for you.”-

-“I was talking with Lady Rose.”- Thomas asserted, turning on his heels and walking to the direction the maid had just come from.

-“Lady Rose? Why?”- 

-“She asked me to tell her about the constellations in tonight’s sky. She’s surprisingly kind, that Lady Rose.”-

-“I dare say she reminds me of Lady Sybil.”- Anna observed, slightly melancholic at the memory of the late Crawley daughter.

-“I suppose she does.”- the man agreed, looking back to the bench where they had sat just minutes back, before heading back to the Abbey with Anna at his side.

\---

New York was so full of possibilities, of marvels, that Mary could hardly decide what she wanted to see every day. Whether it was a museum, a park, or simply some attractions, the city seemed to put a spell on her during her stay.

The night before her departure, the woman was walking through the streets of the city, taking in the spectacle of its lights and its people for one last time. She especially liked to observe the crowd, to secretly wonder about the life of every person she could see. 

After more than an hour of aimless wandering, while returning to her grandmother’s house Mary heard something resembling a muffled scream coming from a darker alley to her left. Instantly clenching the handle of her purse, she glared at the small street, making out a total of four people moving near the bins. One of them was lying on the pavement, curled up in an almost fetal position, while another was being held by the wrists against the wall by a significantly taller man. Near him, a younger boy kicked the lying one in the stomach.

-“You fucking faggots! The sooner the world will be free of you, the better.”- he screamed, laughing at the man’s cry of pain.

-“You think he’s a muzzler?”- asked the other one.

-“Why would you care?”-

-“I wouldn’t mind one.”- he chuckled maliciously, bringing one hand to his belt. The boy he was holding understood what was about to happen and desperately tried to set himself free, but only gained a punch in the face, strong enough to almost make him lose his senses.

-“I prefer what I’m doing now, but suit yourself.”- 

The boy kicked the lying man in the stomach again, this time so strongly that, against the light coming from the end of the alley, Mary could see blood dripping from the man’s mouth. It was a horrifying show the one she was witnessing, but even if she had screamed in search of help, who would have come? Who cared if two gay men were raped and beaten to death? Who cared, when the whole world already thought they should deserve to be punished so harshly for a crime in which they had no fault?

Mary walked the rest of the way home restraining herself from crying, but once she was alone in the darkness of her room she gave up on trying. Sitting on her bed, hands pressed against her mouth to avoid sobbing too loudly, the woman cried and cried until the headache was too strong to bear.

Could something like that happen to her, or worse, to Anna? If Tom or Rose accidentally let something slip from their mouths, both of them could be taken to prison. She wouldn’t have simply ruined their lives, she would have completely ruined the Crawleys. She would have ruined the Abbey. By loving someone, she could have been the ruin of everything.

-

Just before boarding the ship, her grandmother had given Mary a small emerald-coloured box, placing one hand upon hers and gently whispering:

-“One day, I hope you will make good use of this.”- with a smile painted on her lips. When the younger woman had tried to open it, Martha had stopped her, claiming that she should have been alone. 

-“Thank you.”- Mary embraced her, trying to convey all her emotions in that simple gesture, before gently kissing her grandmother on the cheek and walking up the deck of the ship, waving at her with a smile as the vessel left the docks.

Some minutes later, comfortably sat on a white wooden bench on the main deck, she opened the newspaper she had just bought, thinking that otherwise she would have probably been bored to death.

 _Two Men Found In An Alley Near Central Park: One Dead, One In Critical Conditions,_ read the header. The woman read the article with her heart in her throat, despite knowing probably better than the press how the facts had come about.

While she read, though, a name in particular caught her attention: Peter Sherwood.

The young, bright, beautiful man she had met a little more than a week before, joyous about the opportunity of starting a new life in a country that could have given him the possibilities he needed, was very probably going to die and, no matter what she tried to tell herself, it was Mary’s fault, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, beautiful!  
> Sorry for the delay, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> Thanks for all the kind comments and kudos, as always.  
> See you next week! (or in a couple of weeks, anyway)


	11. A Moment Of Happiness

That day, Mary would have returned.  
Whenever she thought about it, Anna could distinctly feel her heart pounding against her chest and in her ears.

As soon as the car arrived, she was called upstairs along with some other servants to help unload the luggage and bring it into Mary’s room. No one noticed that she didn’t welcome her, that she didn’t smile or even look at her.  
No matter what the maid told herself, she was more scared than she had ever imagined at the thought of confronting her, so when she heard the Countess of Grantham telling Mary that she wished to speak with her before she could go upstairs, she silently thanked her.  
  
-  
  
While stepping out of the car, in the instants before her parents greeted her Mary looked for Anna amongst the servants, but even once she noticed her the maid didn’t even bother to lift her eyes. Painfully fair, but fair nonetheless.  
  
-“My dear Mary, how are you? Did you get scared by the costumes of that other part of the world?”-  
asked Violet as soon as they were inside, ready as always to flout the horrible place that America was to her.  
  
-“Really, granny, New York is a beautiful city.”-  
  
The older woman looked at her as if she had just told her that she meant to start working on the farms.  
  
-“You must be quite desperate.”- she turned to a footman while she spoke the rest of the sentence. -“Why don’t we have some tea, and you can tell us why you decided to elope in the same fashion as one of those Joyce’s characters.”-  
  
-“Actually, the theme of Joyce was quite the contrary. They thought they could escape but at the end they never really did.”- noticed Robert while they walked into the library.  
  
-“My point was made.”-  
  
As the door closed behind them, Mary felt inevitably trapped. She would have had to find her way out of that conversation at any cost, because she could have never been capable of confessing the true reason behind what she had done. At least not at that moment.  
  
-“How is your grandmother?”- asked Cora, sitting beside her.  
  
-“Granny is well. We talked a lot during my stay and she gave me some wonderful pieces of advice.”-  
  
-“I wonder.”- commented Violet.  
  
Cora looked at her but quickly gave up, knowing that any battle with her would have been a lost one, especially if the main topic regarded Cora’s family.  
  
-“So now you will tell us why you decided to do what you did with little to no warning?”- she then inquired, turning back to her daughter.  
  
-“I needed to clear my head.”- not the complete truth, yet not at all a lie.  
  
-“From what? The estate is going incredibly well.”- her father claimed.  
  
-“The estate is not all that my life is about.”-  
  
Before anyone could speak, Jimmy entered the room carrying a tray with tea and some pastries, which he gently laid on the table before filling the cups and offering them to the four people present. It all happened in a silence so absolute that by the time he was outside, the poor footman could swear he had never felt more awkward and out of place in his entire life.  
  
-“What else is your life about?”- asked Violet, her tone almost sarcastic.  
  
Mary didn’t want to answer. She had to find an alternative good reason for what she had done in a matter of instants and nothing useful seemed to come to mind. Where was the Mary Crawley everyone knew and very possibly feared?  
  
-“Life is about all sorts of things, Granny. I had to clear my mind, is that so hard to believe?”-

Deciding she didn’t want to push her fate, she rose from her seat on the sofa and announced that she would have gone upstairs to rest a bit before dinner, despite not feeling tired in the least. As she walked up the stairs, Mary felt as if with every step her heart jumped higher and higher in her throat. By the time she was at her bedroom’s door, she sincerely thought it would have exploded.  
  
-  
  
Upon hearing the door opening Anna turned from the bed, where she was folding her mistress’s clothes.  
  
-“Milady.”- she politely greeted her.  
  
-“Anna...”- Mary smiled while pronouncing her name, unable to conceal her happiness. The rush of joy that washed over her was so powerful it almost made her shiver. The maid, however, did not smile back.  
  
-“Now you will listen to me.”- she stated, walking towards the door and closing it to give them more privacy. When she turned again Mary was looking at her in bewilderment.  
-“I know I shouldn’t talk to you like this, but honestly milady, I had no right in being treated how I was.”- she had gained the centre of the room, while the other woman was now almost against her vanity table.  
-“You might say that I did the same to you, and I am not denying it, but I was on the other side of the house, you were in another continent.”- her breaths were shaking with rage, but she kept on.  
-“You pathetically tried to gain my forgiveness with a letter, you didn’t even tell me that you were going to America and I bet that if it hadn’t been for Mrs. Hughes, you wouldn’t have.”-  
  
-“Anna-”-  
  
-“No.”- she walked up to Mary, so near that the woman could see the tears of anger shining in her eyes. Pointing a finger at her, she continued:  
-“You will let me talk. I don’t know when and if I will ever have enough courage to say again words like these, so I want to do it now. You were scared, and you are a coward.”-  
  
Now Mary as well was getting quite irritated, though a part of her recognized that maybe she deserved those words. She didn’t want to admit it to herself, but she definitely deserved them.  
  
-“You preferred to run from your own feelings rather than dealing with them. You ran from me when you didn’t even know what I thought, what I felt. You ran before we could have a chance to talk.”- the thundering of Anna’s heart was covering every other sound at that moment. She might have been screaming the last sentence for all she knew.  
  
-“You are right.”- the woman replied, looking down at the floor.  
-“You are right, but please Anna, try to put yourself in my clothes. I am the agent of this estate, I am someone the whole village looks up to. How could I simply accept to be in love with another woman? How could I not run?”-  
  
The social aspect of the question was, and Anna no doubt knew that much, the most pressing one: if anything was ever to be discovered, it would have been the definitive ruin for Downton. Much worse than the Turkish diplomat.  
  
It might have been selfish of the maid not to step back, knowing how much was at the stake, but she desired nothing more than to put her own happiness first, for once.  
  
-“And now, milady?”-  
  
Mary’s pulse quickened.  
  
-“Now?”-  
  
-“Have you stopped running?”-  
  
-“There’s not much left to do, in all honesty. As I told you in the letter, you are free to go if you want to. I can’t imagine how this could go if you were to stay, but I will respect your wishes either way.”- she confessed.  
  
The maid allowed a small smile at the corner of her mouth.  
  
-“What if my wish was that of remaining, milady?”-  
  
-“Then, I promise you that I will be as professional as I can.”- Mary answered, trying to appear as resolute as she could despite the flutter in her voice.  
  
Anna stepped up to the woman and, without saying a word, took one of her hands in hers.  
  
-“Do you believe there could be a way for us?”-  
  
Mary’s eyes widened. Surely she must have misinterpreted the question in some way.  
  
-“How do you mean?”-  
  
The maid breathed in, before tightening her grip around Mary’s fingers.  
  
-“If, right now, I were to tell you that I have fallen in love with you and that while I couldn’t, or wouldn’t understand it earlier now nothing could be clearer in my mind, what would you do, milady?”-  
  
From the point where their hands were touching, Mary felt something radiating through her body and deep into the core of her soul. Suddenly, it was like pure gold was rushing through her veins instead of blood; it was a sensation she hadn’t felt in so long she had almost forgotten how powerful it could be.  
  
At that moment, it seemed as if there was only one truth in the whole world, strong enough to overpower everything else: they were in love with each other, and no menace could come in between them.  
Then she remembered Peter.  
  
Stepping closer to the maid, Mary put her arm around the woman’s neck and shut her eyes, placing a soft kiss on her forehead, while her left hand brought Anna’s to her chest and pressed it against her heart.  
  
-“I can’t be with you, Anna. You have no idea how much I want to, but I can’t.”- she whispered, doing nothing to prevent the tears from falling down her cheeks.  
  
-“Please...”- the maid begged, her voice so small and so broken it tore Mary’s heart apart.  
-“We could hide, milady. We already spend so much time together that no one will notice.”-  
  
The woman chuckled, pressing Anna’s body as close to hers as she could.  
  
-“It’s not possible to hide forever. Other people would find out and sooner or later the cat will be out of the bag. What if someone-”- her voice cracked at the memory -“...what if someone finds out and decides to take the matter into their own hands?”-  
  
-“Where does this talk come from, milady?”- Anna asked, still pressed so tightly against her Lady’s body that the woman barely heard her voice.  
  
-“While on the ship to New York I met a young man...Peter Sherwood. He wanted to go to America to be freer, because he thought that people would be far more open-minded than us. Only...”- she took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice just enough so that she could finish the story.  
-“On my last night there, I saw four men in an alley, and two of them were beating the other two. I was so scared that I couldn’t even bring myself to call the police. The morning after I read in the newspapers that one of the victims died, while the other was in the hospital, with little to no chance of recovering at all.”-  
  
-“I assume one of them was the boy you met.”-  
  
Mary nodded, her sobbing now almost uncontrollable.  
  
-“You don’t know whether he’s dead or not, milady. The only people with fault were the two men. Don’t blame y-”-  
  
-“You don’t understand!”- she shouted, clinging so hard on Anna’s clothes that she almost ripped them.  
-“It’s not only him, Anna. This could happen to you or me at any moment. If we are together and the wrong people find out I could read about your body found in an alley.”-  
  
There was a terror in her voice Anna had never heard before, a lack of control she didn’t even believe to be possible.  
  
-“You won’t...”- the maid whispered, slowly drawing circles on her back to try and calm her down.  
Breathing in and out deeply, after a few minutes Mary was able to look up at the clock, realising that a bit less than two hours separated her from dinner. While she was starving, she would have done anything to remain in that position at least for a couple minutes more, to be comforted by the warmth of Anna’s body.  
  
When the maid was sure that Mary had calmed down, she spoke again.  
  
-“Allow yourself some happiness, Mary.”-  
  
The woman closed her eyes, relishing in the beautiful sensation of hearing her name spoken by the person she loved, the way the word had caressed Anna’s lips so intense to her it almost made her dizzy.  
  
-“Allow me some happiness.”- Anna pleaded under her breath, with her heart in her throat.  
  
Mary swallowed, coming to the realisation that with those words every wall of goodwill she had tried to build in the last minutes had crumbled at her feet. Taking a deep breath, she slid her right hand under Anna’s jaw and moved her chin up with her thumb, pressing their lips together in something that resembled desperation more than desire. After a moment, though, her touch softened to a brush more than a kiss, while her left hand kept pressing Anna’s against her chest.  
  
-“Are you happy now?”- she asked, feeling the woman smile against her lips.  
  
-“Utterly.”-  
  
\---  
  
Dinner went marvellously well, Mary considered. No one insisted on the question of why she had gone to America without notice, though once or twice she caught her mother glaring at her with a look she knew all too well. She couldn’t delay the argument forever and she wasn’t sure she could find a good enough lie, but telling the truth was out of the question.  
  
-“You know, your mother is worried about you, and to be honest I am as well.”- whispered Robert, making sure they were in a far enough point of the drawing-room for no one else to hear them.  
  
-“You shouldn’t be. I can’t understand why you are all making such a scene about this. Edith went off to Switzerland for months with Aunt Rosamund and no one questioned it, why should my situation be any different?”-  
  
-“She is with Rosamund, and you know very well she is mastering her French.”-  
  
Mary tilted her head to the side, not believing in the least that that was the actual reason why her sister had gone off with their aunt for months. In her opinion, it must have had something to do with Strallan, one way or the other.  
  
-“And I went to visit my grandmother. Is there something wrong with that?”-  
  
-“From what your mother told me, you informed her about the trip the day before leaving. It’s not you, Mary.”-  
  
Of all the things she would have wanted, but could not answer, “What do you really know about me, Papa?” was the one that most annoyingly pressed on her tongue. Fortunately, one of the businessmen that had been invited to dinner that night interrupted their conversation before she could think of a proper reply.  
  
\---  
  
-“Someone seems happy.”-  
  
Anna turned on her heels, unable to hide the perpetual slight smile that stood on her lips since she had left Mary’s room.  
  
-“I suppose I am.”- she answered, turning to Baxter.  
  
-“If I may, is it because of Lady Mary’s return?”-  
  
The maid’s breath seemed to freeze in her lungs. Had Thomas talked to her? She knew they knew each other, but she had never thought that the footman could betray her secret.  
  
-“I heard that you are friends with Lady Mary, I simply thought that you’d be happy to see her after two weeks of absence.”- Baxter proceeded to explain, ignoring how Anna had stiffened up at her question.  
  
-“Yes, actually. I dare say we have grown quite close through the years.”-  
  
-“I find it to be a beautiful thing, this kind of relationship between a Lady and her maid.”-  
  
Anna was only able to nod in agreement while she watched the lady’s maid walking down the corridor and disappearing into the boot room. Maybe she was only being paranoid, but it almost looked like Baxter’s comments came from a mouth who knew more than what it said.  
  
-“Thomas.”- she called, catching a glimpse of his figure just before he walked into the dining room.  
  
As soon as he heard her voice, the man turned his head with a questioning look.  
  
-“Yes?”-  
  
-“Can we talk for a moment?”-  
  
-“I’ll have to go upstairs in a few minutes.”-  
  
-“It will take much less.”- the maid stated, pointing with her head towards the door that lead to the courtyard. Not finding many choices Thomas followed her outside, albeit a little worried by the accusatory tone he had just heard.  
  
-“Did you say anything to Baxter?”- Anna enquired once they were alone, her chest rising and falling quicker by the minute.  
  
-“Anything about what?”-  
  
-“Don’t be a fool, you know what I’m talking about.”-  
  
-“You and the Lady?”-  
  
Anna nodded with preoccupation.  
  
-“You know I could never, why would you think it?”-  
  
-“Because she just asked me if I am happy because of her return, and then she commented about our relationship.”-  
  
-“Maybe she just heard that the two of you are friends. That’s not illegal, as far as I am aware.”- he commented, disappointed by Anna’s first thoughts about him.  
  
-“No, you’re right. I’m sorry Thomas.”-  
  
The man thought nothing of it, considering he had heard far worse accusations and far fewer apologies in his life. Then, suddenly, something crossed his mind.  
  
-“Are you, though?”-  
  
-“What?”-  
  
-“Happy about Lady Mary’s return.”-  
  
The smile that formed on Anna’s lips was unequivocal: not even Thomas, who was fairly convinced he knew the maid more than anyone else in the house, had ever seen an expression of so genuine joy light up the woman’s features.  
  
-“More than I can say.”- she answered, toying with the rag she had in her hands. Before they could continue the conversation, though, Mrs. Hughes warned the maid that Lady Mary had called for her.  
While walking back, she could notice a sly smile on the footman’s lips.  
  
\---  
  
Upon hearing the door handle clicking, Mary’s heartbeats grew warmer inside her chest.  
  
-“Milady.”-  
  
-“Mary, please.”-  
  
Anna tilted her head, silently reproaching herself.  
  
-“Isn’t it a bit earlier than usual?”- she asked, noticing that normally she would have called for her at least fifteen minutes later.  
  
-“It is.”- Mary admitted, walking up to her and placing a kiss on her cheek as if it was the most natural thing one could think of doing. Probably, she would have had to get used to it. A laugh escaped her lips at the thought.  
  
-“What?”-  
  
-“God knows it will take time for me to...”- she waved a hand between the two of them, not quite sure about how to call it.  
  
-“You will have all the time in the world, darling.”-  
  
-“You weren’t so convinced before if I recall correctly.”-  
  
-“Now I am, and it’s all that matters.”- Mary asserted, before turning around to give Anna the possibility of undressing her.  
  
It happened in the most absolute silence, almost as if it was a worshipping ritual that had to be respected in all its movements. After all those years it was almost automatic for Anna and before that night she had never given too much thought about seeing her mistress undressed or naked, nor she had seen any real reason to. This time, however, she treasured every touch on Mary’s skin, observing even the slightest movement of her muscles under her fingers.  
  
-“Will I see you in the morning?”- the woman asked while sliding under her sheets, the book she had begun to read some days before already in hand.  
  
Anna took the liberty of sitting on the edge of the bed, ignoring that inner voice which still demanded of her to behave like a proper lady’s maid.  
  
-“I’d like to be with you, really, but in order not to arouse any suspicion I’d have to wake up even before Daisy, which would give me no more than four hours of sleep at most.”- she joked.  
  
Mary couldn’t do more than hinting a smile, for while she knew well that what Anna had said was the truth, a part of her selfishly wanted the woman to be with her that night.  
  
-“One of these days I will build up an excuse good enough so that not even the servants will have something to gossip about if they see you coming out of my room in the morning.”-  
  
-“That would have to be an extraordinarily good excuse, milady.”-  
  
-“You know me.”- Mary replied, though it felt more like a statement, something so sure it shouldn’t even be discussed.  
  
-“That, I do.”- Anna answered under her breath, leaning in while her hands reached her lover’s jawline, leaving a soft kiss on her lips and a whispered “Goodnight, Mary” before walking out of the room, her heart still thundering in euphoria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya beautiful!  
> Yes, for this once I wanted to allow those two a bit of happiness (which I very much needed to write, not gonna lie).  
> I really hope you liked the chapter, thanks as always for the beautiful comments!
> 
> P.S. Not really related, but if you like Michelle you should definitely check out both "Good Behavior" and "Godless". She's astonishingly amazing in both series.


	12. One Less Secret, One More Problem

When morning came, Mary was already awake. She had been for long, observing with new eyes the pale light of dawn washing through her windows and pouring into the room gradually. God, it all seemed new in a way, new and a thousand times brighter than it had ever been.

-“Good morning, milady.”- came softly Anna’s voice before the maid closed the door behind her.

-“Already awake? Did you not sleep well?”- she asked, noticing how the woman was leaning against the head post.

-“Oh, I slept marvellously.”- Mary answered, a corner of her mouth curving into a smile.

Anna stepped closer to the bed and laid the tray at Mary’s side, hesitantly placing a kiss on her cheek. The woman, clearly less accommodating, took her chin in between her fingers and steadied her while she pressed their lips together with a smile.

-“If you have to kiss me, do it properly.”- she whispered, still against her lips.

The maid closed her eyes, almost lost in the sensation of Mary’s voice so familiar and so low in her ears.

-“I will, mi-... Mary.”-

-“I like it, you know?”-

-“What?”- she asked, locking eyes with the woman.

-“My name, said by you.”-

Anna couldn’t help but blush lightly, hoping that by the time she would have left the room the colour on her cheeks would have vanished. Deciding to distract herself with something else she rose from her seat on the bed and started laying out the first outfit of the day.

-“You have to hope I won’t blush again before leaving your room, milady, or else people will notice and apart from Mr. Barrow it’s better if no one else knows.”-

-“Mr. Barrow?”- Mary asked, mid-eating a slice of toast. She knew she could confide in Rose and Tom, but putting that much confidence in the footman was a risk not worth taking in her opinion.

-“Don’t worry, he won’t say anything. I’ve come to know him in these months and I have to admit, he’s very different from what people see.”-

-“I can hardly imagine.”-

-“He is.”- she stated, glaring at Mary almost in reproach. The Lady cocked her head to the side, still only half-sure about the question.

-“What if it should become convenient for him?”-

-“You spoke with Tom, milady. Where is the difference?”-

-“How do you know about it?”- she asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Anna looked up, barely withholding the smile that was rising at the memory of holding George into her arms and being able to calm him down.

-“I heard Mr. George crying once, while you were away. The nanny wasn’t there and he wouldn’t stop, so I tried to lull him back to sleep and while I was doing so, Tom came in.”-

-“And you spoke of me?”-

-“As well as other matters, milady.”-

This time Mary didn’t give her more than a glare, very much aware of how sudden the change in their relationship had been; Anna had been calling her “milady” for years, it would have simply been unreasonable to expect of her to change her ways in so little time.

-“Do you think I am good as a mother?”-

Anna was taken aback by the question. If she really had to be honest with herself, in the first months she hadn’t seen any trace of maternity whatsoever in Mary.

-“Being a mother is not something easy, mi-... Mary. It takes time and patience, but you love him. That’s the most important thing.”-

The Lady breathed in, knowing well that she couldn’t have expected much more as an answer. Anna was being kind, but there was no denying she had been terrible at first. Deciding to put those thoughts aside at least for the moment, she shifted her tray to the side the stepped down from her bed, letting Anna know she was ready to be dressed.

It was towards the end of that routine, as the maid was adjusting her dress from behind, that she let one hand slide over her mistress’s arm until it reached her fingers, kissing her shoulder softly.

Mary quivered at the still-new sensation, and let her head fall back in abandon for a moment before turning and kissing the woman again, her hands pressing Anna’s body as close to her as she could.

-“Anyone could enter this room right now, milady.”- she whispered, barely managing to voice her thoughts in between the light touches of Mary’s lips on hers.

In all response the woman groaned against her mouth, bringing her right hand behind Anna’s neck and stroking it gently. It didn’t get more than a moment before the maid let that thought go and relaxed into the instant they were living, filled with a happiness so total it could almost look like eternity as long as they were together.

But it couldn’t be an eternity, and it was a moment too beautiful to remain unbroken.

-“Mary, I’m sorry to intrude, but-”-

The rest of the sentence vanished into the air of the room, which suddenly grew unbearably heavy.

Cora stood there, a hand still on the doorknob, her mouth agape and an expression of rising horror painting itself on her features.

Mary gasped, immediately leaving Anna’s lips but refusing to turn to her mother, allowing herself a few more seconds of calm and locking eyes with the person in front of her, clasping her hand as strong as she could. The world was suddenly falling on her at the speed of light and it seemed as though the only thing that could ground her to what was happening was that pale shade of blue in her lover’s eyes.

-“Do you want me to leave?”- the maid asked, never thinking she could have been able to break that dull silence around them.

-“You will stay exactly where you are, Anna.”-

Cora’s words sounded much more like a command a general would give on the battlefield. The woman didn’t dare to say anything else and stepped to Mary’s side, leaving her hand.

-“What is this, Mary?”- her mother asked, closing the door behind her.

-“What it seems, Mama.”- was the only answer Mary could think of, her heart still pounding too loudly in her ears for her to think straight. Before that moment, Mary Crawley had never really felt defeat in her life and now that same emotion was showering over every inch of her.

-“I’m sorry.”-

She lowered her gaze to the ground and took a timid step towards her mother.

Cora’s brows furrowed for an instant. She shifted her gaze from Mary to Anna and back to her daughter, trying and failing to make sense of the scene she had just witnessed. She exhaled audibly, before turning once more to the maid.

-“Thinking about it, could you leave us, Anna?”- she asked, her tone so still and detached it sent shivers through the woman’s spine.

-“Yes, Your Ladyship.”- she nodded and walked briskly to the door, desperately wanting to say something but blocked by the lump in her throat and the tears in her eyes. At last, she opened the door silently and slid away from Mary’s room, praying with her whole heart she hadn’t caused something unrepairable.

-

-“Why did you hide something so important from me, Mary?”- was the first question that came to Cora’s mind, in a tone more of sadness than anger.

-“What do you mean, ‘why’, Mama? How could I tell you without fearing that you would have looked at me with disgust?”-

-“You are my daughter, Mary.”-

-“And so?”-

Cora felt her heart shatter at that question. Before she could control it, a tear stung in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks: her own daughter didn’t trust her, her own daughter didn’t think that she would love her to the end of her days regardless of whom she was in love with. Her own daughter had treated her like a stranger.

-“Why didn’t you put your trust in me?”- she asked, sitting on the edge of the sofa on the other side of the room, eyes still locked with Mary’s.

The woman exhaled slowly, trailing her gaze to the ground before joining her mother and sitting beside her.

-“I’m sorry, Mama. I thought I couldn’t bear the look in your eyes had I told you.”- she admitted.

-“Oh, Mary...”- Cora turned to her, placing one hand under her jaw and gently stroking her cheek with her thumb.

-“Don’t ever believe, for one moment, that I could not see you as my daughter.”-

-“Sometimes I really feel as if I never stopped being damaged goods.”-

-“Don’t say that.”-

-“But how could I see myself any differently, Mama? Who in this village would want me as someone to look up to, if I have fallen?”-

Her mother didn’t know how to answer that, mainly because Mary was right. Cora could have been able to look behind, to accept even, but she was American. She highly doubted a rural English village wouldn’t have scorned someone like her.

-“Mary, look at me.”- the woman tilted her head up, tears shining in her eyes.

-“Do you feel despise for yourself when you are together?”-

The question struck Mary in a way she hadn’t expected. She had never realized it before, but she came to understand that she only hated what she had become whenever she was alone; as long as Anna was in her company every shred of doubt seemed to disappear.

-“Why are you not mad, Mama?”- she queried, avoiding her question.

-“Oh, please, don’t think so little of me Mary.”- she rose from her seat, bringing her daughter with her, and placed both hands on her shoulders.

-“How could I be mad while seeing your happiness return for the first time in almost a year?”-

-“Even if-”-

-“Yes, my darling.”-

A shudder came through her heart, Mary could have sworn it. She stepped towards her mother and embraced her, whispering a “Thank you” that moved Cora almost to tears. Did she really, honestly think her mother wouldn’t have loved her all the same?

-“There’s still your father, and Granny.”- she reminded her, though she doubted they weren’t already a nail constantly hammering at Mary’s head.

-“I know...”-

-“And I don’t believe it will be as easy for them as it was for me.”-

Mary scoffed.

-“You are American, after all.”-

Cora tilted her head in agreement, a small smile dancing on her lips for a moment. Then a doubt came over her.

-“Does my mother know? Did you tell her when you were in New York?”-

-“I did.”- Mary admitted, before walking towards the door.

-“I have more pressing matters to attend to now, but Mama...”-

Cora raised her eyes.

-“I don’t believe you can imagine how much lighter my heart is now.”-

\---

Despite it being early September it was already quite cold in the servants' quarters, save for the kitchen. While mending a pair of Mary’s gloves, Anna couldn’t help but think of the warmth which cloaked her whenever she had slept at her side. Would it ever happen again? She knew she had never wished something more powerfully than that, but to her frustration she couldn’t do much more than hope.

-

Upon hearing a bell followed by Carson’s voice announcing that Mary had called for her, Anna’s heart jolted in her chest. While now she needn’t worry about any matter between the two of them in particular, what Her Ladyship had had to say was a thought that had been pressing on her head since that morning and, if she had to be honest with herself, it unnerved her terribly.

When she entered the room, she found her already sat at her vanity table, giving her back to her.

-“Anna.”- her voice raised when she acknowledged her presence and the maid could see her smile in the reflection of the mirror.

-“Milady.”-

-“You will have to get used to calling me by my name sooner or later.”-

A light furrow creased the woman’s brows. Did that mean that...?

-“Do you mean that Her Ladyship-”-

Mary turned and rose from her chair, walking towards the woman.

-“Not that I needed my mother’s blessing, but yes.”- her smile grew wider. -“At least she won’t frown at me from now on.”-

The happiness that took over Anna’s body almost overwhelmed her, though it was directed to Mary more than her: she was aware of how highly she looked at her mother and how, despite never saying it, she weighted her opinions, so knowing that she had accepted her was very probably the most joyous news Mary had had in days.

-“I’m so very happy for you, honestly.”- she admitted with a smile. -“But...”-

-“What?”-

It impressed Anna how quickly Mary’s tone could pass from cheerful to annoyed. While she knew she was probably ruining her moment, she went on:

-“There are heavier rocks to move, milady.”-

The woman furrowed her brows, walking slowly back to the centre of the room.

-“Heavier rocks?”-

-“They said it at my village. There are people whose ideas and beliefs will be more difficult to shift.”- she explained, mindlessly beginning the process of undressing.

-“You mean my father.”-

-“And your grandmother, Mary. I would die if I knew I was the cause for any member of your family rejecting you.”-

-“Good God, Anna, why are you so pessimistic?”- Mary snapped, regretting the tone she had used the moment she spoke.

Anna paused for a moment, suddenly feeling nothing more than a servant to her.

-“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so rude.”- the woman apologized, turning to her and gently taking her face between her hands.

-“I have to apologize, milady, I-”- Mary’s thumb shifted on her lips, preventing her from finishing the sentence.

-“I could worship the way my name curls and slides over your lips when you say it, so please do me the favour of calling me Mary more often.”- she whispered in her ear, her mouth almost touching the skin of her neck.

To her surprise, a soft gasp escaped Anna’s lips. The words Mary had chosen together with the feeling of her breath against her skin made her feel a foreign kind of pleasure, so sharp and so vivid she had to grip at Mary’s chemise to steady herself.

As the taller woman noticed, a mischievous smile painted her face for an instant. Sliding both her hands around Anna’s waist, Mary pressed her gently against her body and kissed her just behind her ear, testing which areas were more responsive to her touch, taking her into deeper and deeper abandon.

-“I...I have to dress you.”- she was able to breathe out after a few minutes, feeling her chest rising and falling with insistence and her heart pounding through her ribs. Just for a moment, Anna selfishly wished no one else but them could live and breathe in that whole word.

Mary almost seemed bothered by the statement, as if it could be something superfluous to their current situation. She pressed one last kiss to her lover’s neck and took a small step back, observing almost with pride the flush on her cheeks.

While Anna dressed her, a thought began to take form in her mind: she was very much aware that what she had felt only minutes before went beyond that simple pleasure one could feel on an everyday basis and suddenly it frightened her terribly. She had enjoyed it, but could she ever be able to go beyond that?

No, obviously you can’t. You’re broken, remember? Asked Alex’s voice, still engraved deep in her mind.

-“Anna?”-

The woman looked up, realizing she had stopped with Mary’s necklace still in her hands.

-“I’m sorry, I was distracted.”-

-“I did not need you to tell me, believe me.”- she lowered her head slightly so that the maid could put the jewellery around her neck, before asking:

-“What were you thinking of?”-

-“Nothing to concern you with.”-

A sting of pain ran through Mary’s heart. The last time a similar conversation had happened between them it had been when Anna had confessed who had raped her. Much time had passed since then and still the woman didn’t seem to understand that it was not a matter of simple “bothering” or “concerning” when it came to her feelings.

-“Can I ask you something?”-

-“Certainly, milady.”-

-“If one day I were sad and you asked me if something was wrong, would you want me to dismiss it or to confess to you the reason for my sulkiness?”-

Anna opened her mouth only to then close it again, realizing where Mary wanted to get at. Breathing out slowly she thought of how she could possibly explain her thoughts without appearing more than improper.

-“Could we postpone this conversation for another time?”-

Mary frowned.

-“Is this something I ought to worry about? Be sincere, please.”-

-“I believe it’s something that can be resolved, milady.”-

-“You’re not sick, are you?”- the woman asked, doing nothing to conceal the worry in her voice.

Anna chuckled slightly, shaking her head. The last time she had heard that much concern in someone’s tone had probably been in her childhood, when she had fallen from her bike and her mother had almost fainted at the sight of the blood on her knees.

-“No, it’s nothing like that. I simply wish to talk about it when we have more time.”-

As much as Mary would have liked to question her more, she knew she was probably already late for luncheon. After having dismissed the woman she walked down the stairs and into the drawing-room, apologizing for the delay, which strangely enough had passed unnoticed to everyone but her mother.

-

-“Have you heard about the new valet?”-

Anna turned to Daisy, quirking an eyebrow.

-“New valet? Is Mr. Watson retiring?”-

-“I believe so, or at least that’s what I’ve heard.”-

-“He’s an old man, it’s not difficult to understand that he doesn’t have the same strength anymore.”- noticed Jimmy, taking the entrée tray from the kitchen counter.

-“But I have glanced at the candidate list, there’s someone we know.”-

-“Well, that’s a relief.”- commented Anna. -“Who is it?”-

-“Oh, that valet that came here a few times, Uhm...”- Jimmy snapped his fingers, trying to remember the name.

-“That dish is not meant to be consumed cold, Jimmy!”- came Mrs. Patmore’s voice, forcing the young man to turn back on his heels and walk to the stairs.

-“Oh, right!”-

Anna turned towards him with the anticipation of a strange feeling gripping at her insides.

-“Mr. Green! I really hope Mr. Carson will take him, he had such stories to tell.”- commented the footman, before disappearing up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, beautiful!  
> I'm sorry I didn't post eariler but this chapter took a bit longer to write. Plus, ya know, life.  
> However, I decided to post it now instead of Thursday, so hope you enjoyed the early posting!  
> If you have a moment leave a tiny comment and a tiny kudo, they're always appreciated.   
> -  
> Yep. He's returned. And all the problems our dear Mr. Green brings with him will surely follow along.


	13. New Valet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> I'm sorry if I'm posting not exactly on schedule, you know, life.  
> This is a quiet chapter, let's say, but it does introduce some very important plot points plus, usual fluff between the two.  
> Hope you will enjoy!

It had been easy enough to falsify the reference. After all, he had seen Lord Gillingham’s signature so many times he could have probably done it blindfolded, and he had enough connections to be able to get a believable reference in a few weeks after his dismissal.  
  
-“May I ask why did Lord Gillingham decide to relieve you of your duties, Mr. Green?”- asked Carson, eyes scanning the seemingly perfect recommendation.  
  
-“I believe it was a favour for an old acquaintance of his, whom he knew from the war. He told me he believed the man wouldn’t have found any other kind of work otherwise, seen that he is crippled, but that I could have many chances with all my experience in the field.”-  
  
The butler raised an eyebrow. There was something suspicious in Mr. Green’s story, but he knew His Lordship needed a valet and, strangely enough, no one else had shown up at the interview despite there being a long list of candidates.  
  
-“Well, Mr. Green, it seems like fate is on your side, though I can’t think of why no one else has decided to catch this opportunity.”-  
  
-“The announcement came out on the newspapers only a few days ago, Mr. Carson. I was only lucky to see it so early on.”- the man stated, a corner of his mouth barely curling up in a mischievous smile. Nothing had ever been so easy, and the fun had just begun for him.  
  
-  
  
-“Mr. Carson told me to ask you to show me to my room, Mr. Barrow.”-  
  
Thomas turned, restraining himself from showing any visible sign of anger at the notion that Mr. Green would have been a part of the household from that moment on. Swallowing poisonous words, he cordially smiled and walked up the stairs, indicating the room at the far end of the corridor.  
  
-“I believe Mr. Carson has already run you through the list of your duties, together with the timetable of the house.”-  
  
-“Yes, Mr. Barrow.”- the man nodded.  
  
The footman withdrew himself from Mr. Green’s presence, unable to bear the presence of someone as evil as him; because surely, there was no other word which could have described the man if not completely and totally evil.  
While he walked down the stairs he thought about Anna, about the fear she would have been plunged in from that day on, then he realized something: it wasn’t difficult at all to force the doors to the bedrooms open, that he knew from experience, and if he was right it wouldn’t have taken much for Mr. Green to learn how to find his way into her bedroom. His heart started hammering at the thought of it alone and instantly he changed his course, directing his steps to the upstairs.  
  
-  
  
The planning of the new crop distribution was going tediously.: while Mary and Tom more or less agreed on how to proceed, Robert for some reason kept stalling and trying to rearrange the crops in what was the old order, insisting that it was better and much more productive, so the sudden knock at the door was a relief for the three of them, although they were all surprised to see whom it came from.  
  
-“Mr. Barrow? Are there any problems of some kind?”- inquired Robert, startled by the presence of the footman.  
  
-“No, Your Lordship, though it might be of interest to you that your new valet has been hired. He was Lord Gillingham’s valet, Mr. Green.”- as he pronounced the man’s surname his gaze shifted slightly to Mary, catching the sudden alarm in her eyes.  
  
-“Lord Gillingham? Why has he fired him?”-  
  
-“Of that I am not aware, Your Lordship, but Mr. Carson told me he had an excellent reference.”-  
  
-“Thank you, Barrow. Is there anything else?”-  
  
-“I was wondering if I might speak with Lady Mary for a moment, Your Lordship.”-  
  
Robert turned in bewilderment to his daughter, who promptly seconded the footman.  
  
-“Ah, yes. It’s not an important matter, Papa, but I need to discuss it with Mr. Barrow alone.”- she stated, conscious of how peculiar the sentence must have sounded to her father’s ears.  
  
-“Mary? Are you sure?”-  
  
-“Quite sure, Papa. It won’t take more than a few minutes.”-  
  
Robert walked out of the room together with Tom, who stared with suspicion at his sister-in-law but ultimately decided not to say anything, at least not for the moment.  
  
-“How can he be back?”-asked the woman as soon as they were alone, forgetting all the decorum she should have kept with a servant.  
  
-“I have no idea, Milady. After what happened last time he was there, I can’t think of how Lord Gillingham could have given him a spotless reference.”-  
  
-“Could he have falsified it?”-  
  
Obviously he had, of that much Thomas was more than sure by now. However, he had no way to prove it to Mr. Carson and, even if he had, he wasn’t sure the butler would have listened to him.  
  
-“I believe so, but for the moment we have no way to prove it.”-  
  
Mary huffed, her expression a mixture of worry and pain, and brought one hand to her mouth.  
  
-“But this isn’t the primary concern of my being here.”- he took one step closer. -“You see, Milady, it is not difficult to do some lock picking on the doors to the servants’ quarters and even if he didn’t know how to do it, I believe Mr. Green could have good reason to learn.”-  
  
The implication in Thomas’s words made the woman clench her fists in an effort to contain herself. He couldn’t. It had taken months for Anna to subside the fear and even now she wasn’t even remotely free of him, but Mary was fairly certain that had the man done something to her she wouldn’t have been able to climb her way out of the darkness again.  
  
-“He wouldn’t.”- she tried to convince herself.  
  
-“Forgive me for saying so, Milady, but in my opinion this might be the very reason why he decided to come to Downton Abbey.”-  
  
The woman breathed in deeply. The man was very probably right, she guessed.  
  
-“And...”- he continued -“...I suppose that Miss Smith’s safety is a matter that concerns us both, if I may say so.”-  
  
-“What are you suggesting?”-  
  
Thomas smiled briefly.  
  
-“For the time being...I think it might be better if she slept in your dressing room.”-  
  
A bolt of heat shot through Mary’s heart. Mr. Barrow’s reasoning was objectively right and the thought alone of having the woman she had fallen in love with sleeping next to her for more than a few nights made her stomach twist in anticipation; she missed immensely having someone at her side every night and while knowing that condition was only momentary she couldn’t help but feel incredibly happy.  
  
-“Mr. Barrow, might I ask you something?”- she walked towards him, regaining all the royalty of her posture in just a few steps.  
  
-“Certainly, Milady.”-  
  
-“Would you ever think of betraying the trust Miss Smith has put in you?”-  
  
The thought of it alone made Thomas angry, though obviously he dare not show it, but on the other side, he also understood the reasons why she was asking that question.  
  
-“Never, Milady.”- he answered, only half-managing to disguise the irritation in his tone.  
  
-“I know she holds you into high account. All that I am asking of you is not to deceive her in any way.”-  
  
-“I don’t believe either of us could even take into consideration the thought of voluntarily hurting Miss Smith, Milady.”-  
  
At that, even Mary couldn’t hold back a smile. She never imagined that someone like Mr. Barrow could have such a side to his personality, and much less she understood why he should keep it concealed from almost everyone, but she was glad to know that someone else in the household was ready to guard Anna from harm.  
  
-“No, we would not.”-  
  
-“So, yet again Downton against a valet.”- Thomas observed with a smirk.  
  
-“It’s only me and you, Mr. Barrow.”-  
  
-“But I can convince people, Milady, and you can impart orders. Even without knowing the whole story, I don’t think anyone could refuse to take Miss Smith’s side.”-  
  
She smiled, knowing for a fact how much truth lied in his words.  
  
-“If you should find Anna, tell her I intend to speak to her as soon as possible.”-  
-  
  
The first thing Mary did was speak to Mrs. Hughes, managing to convince her that moving Anna to her dressing room was a purely objective thing to do, although she caught the older woman’s questioning looks a few times. Maybe, Mary imagined, one day she could know, too, but at the moment the most scandalous relationship ever happened inside the Abbey’s walls needed not to be known.  
  
Upon returning upstairs, while she was in the great hall, she caught a glimpse of Rose’s figure descending the stairs.  
  
-“Cousin Mary!”- she called, her tone never losing its youthful excitement.  
  
-“Rose. Were you going somewhere?”-  
  
-“Oh, I have some shopping to do over in Ripon. But...”- she came nearer, lowering her voice.  
-“...I wanted to ask you something, though I fear you won’t answer me.”-  
  
Mary raised an eyebrow.  
  
-“What is it?”-  
  
The young woman gave a glance around, making sure no one else was within earshot.  
  
-“Some months ago you said something to me, about a woman you were in love with.”-  
  
Mary felt the blood running to her cheeks, painting them pink with embarrassment. Of all the things Rose could talk about that was definitely the worst one, though now her views on the matter had wholly changed. Still, it didn’t sound like a topic one would talk about so freely.  
  
-“Rose, I don’t think it should be business to discuss right now.”-  
  
-“Who is there to listen, Mary? Come on, I simply wish to know if something happened.”- the woman insisted, her voice filled with an enthusiasm Mary never thought she could have heard in such a conversation. At last, she gave up trying to resist her.  
  
-“If you really must know...”- she whispered, a smile sliding across her mouth. -“...something did happen.”-  
  
Rose almost squeaked, pressing a hand over her mouth to avoid attracting the attention of possibly every person currently present in the household.  
  
-“Oh, Mary, I couldn’t be happier!”- she took the woman’s hands in hers and squeezed them gently.  
-“Do I know who she is? Please, please do tell me if I do.”-  
  
Mary took her eyes off Rose’s for a moment, wondering whether she should have told her or not. Her mother and Tom both knew who she was already and, despite knowing how talkative Rose could be, she couldn’t see any harm in telling her. Before she could even open her mouth, though, the very object of her thoughts appeared from the door leading downstairs.  
  
-“Milady, Mr. Barrow told me you wished to speak with me.”- Anna stated, stopping a few steps from the two women.  
  
-“Ah, yes...”- her eyes turned once again to Rose, wondering if she should have postponed the conversation. After all, she had no desire of putting Anna in any uncomfortable situation whatsoever and she very much feared that might have been the case.  
  
However, not sure about whether Mary had confessed to the maid her recent interest in the fairer sex, Rose herself decided to put a stop to the conversation.  
  
-“I really have to go now, Mary, but we must resume this conversation one time or the other.”-  
  
Mary simply nodded, watching her disappear behind the heavy wooden doors before turning to Anna.  
  
-“I know I should have waited until luncheon, but I needed to ask you this now.”- she started, motioning towards the music room so that they could have a little more privacy.  
Once they were both inside, the woman turned to her and asked:  
-“Is everything going well?”-  
  
-“What are you referring to?”-  
  
She hated the name on her lips as she pronounced it. -“Mr. Green. He has been hired as my father’s new valet.”-  
  
At first, she thought she hadn’t understood correctly. It couldn’t have been, could it? She had seen him before the interview and that moment alone had been enough to bring back to the surface sensations and feelings she hoped she would never have to go through again, but surely Carson hadn’t hired him, had he?  
  
-“No...”- she whispered, her voice barely steady enough to utter the words out.  
-“Please, tell me this is a joke.”-  
  
-“I’m so sorry.”-  
  
It didn’t depend on her. She knew she couldn’t simply go to her father and beg him to fire someone before their work even started, regardless of who that person was, regardless of the things he had done.  
He was a demon walking the earth and she couldn’t do anything but stand and watch, unable to scream of the souls he crushed around him.  
Closing the distance between the two of them, Mary gently wrapped her arms around Anna’s shaking body and held her head on her chest, running the fingers of her hand through the woman’s hair. She wasn’t sobbing, though Mary felt the tears on her skin, but her hands were clutching so hard on the fabric of her dress she was convinced the maid would have torn it apart.  
  
-“He won’t do anything to you, I promise.”-  
  
-“You cannot promise me anything, milady.”-  
  
-“Oh, but I can.”-  
  
Anna looked up to her, puzzled by the nature of Mary’s smile.  
  
-“How do you mean?”-  
  
-“I spoke with both Mr. Barrow and Mrs. Hughes. They will make sure you are never alone while you’re working. And it won’t last forever, believe me.”-  
  
-“Why not?”-  
  
-“As I’ve said, I spoke to Mr. Barrow.”- Mary repeated, though the tone of her voice hinted a second meaning to that sentence. It didn’t take long for Anna to understand that her Lady had very probably asked the footman to conjure up a plan good enough to never see Mr. Green set foot in Downton Abbey again. A chuckle escaped her lips at the thought.  
  
-“And you believe it will work?”-  
  
-“Well, I’m certainly glad to help him if needed and I’m sure Mrs. Hughes won’t mind giving a hand.”-  
  
-“Is it not too excessive, milady?”-  
  
Mary gave her a cross look, almost as if annoyed by her self-effacing behaviour.  
  
-“Put yourself in my shoes. If you had the opportunity and means to take revenge on him for what he has done, wouldn’t you do it?”-  
  
-“I’m not sure is really ladylike.”- she tried one last time, though her own view on the matter was being worn off by Mary’s insistence.  
  
The woman smiled again, sliding one finger under the perfect line of Anna’s jaw.  
  
-“I’m not sure many of the things I’ve done lately could be considered as ladylike...”- Mary whispered with a smirk.  
  
-“I...I believe you haven’t yet told me the reason why you called for me.”- Anna pointed out, mainly to distract herself from the soft curve of Mary’s lips and how they curled and tensed whenever she spoke.  
  
-“Oh, you’re right.”- she took a step back, allowing herself to hold her hand but nothing more. After all, there was no guarantee that no one else would have entered the room in the next moments and even only that would have been a difficult sight to explain.  
-“I was wondering if you would be willing to sleep in my room for the time being. I’m not fond of the idea of you being alone at night while he’s here.”-  
  
A corner of the woman’s mouth turned up into a smile: ever since the first time they had kissed she thought about asking her if they could sleep together, just so she could know the feeling of being held and falling asleep in the arms of the person she loved. Now, that same night, she would have finally had the chance to impress in her memory every last detail of that sensation.  
  
-“I would like that, very much.”- Anna admitted, relishing in that momentary happiness. However, the thought of Mr. Green kept slowly creeping back to the front of her mind and as much as she would have liked not to have those instants ruined, she was far too terrified of him.  
-“I have to go now, but I will bring some of my things to your room in the afternoon, though I can’t think of an excuse good enough to convince everyone else.”-  
  
In all honesty, as much as Mary thought about it nothing came to her mind either, since there was no plausible reason for a servant to sleep in her mistress’s dressing room.  
  
-“I will think of something, I promise you.”- she stated, not wanting to worry the woman beyond her current problems.  
Once she was alone again she went back to the library with Tom and her father, both of which fortunately didn’t indulge that much on her absence.  
  
\---  
  
-“I’m so happy Mr. Green has been hired. He is always so smart and has so many stories to tell.”-  
  
-“Your thoughts don’t always need to be out loud, Daisy.”- Mrs. Patmore reprimanded her, honestly annoyed by the seemingly incessant talk about the new valet. Not that she had any particular reason to dislike him, but once or twice during the morning Mrs. Hughes had made some comments about Daisy’s praises which didn’t exactly sit right with her.  
  
-“I just wish I could have lived as much as he did.”-  
  
-“You’re still young, Daisy. Don’t be so mean to yourself.”- came Anna’s smiling voice from the dining room, before she stepped into the kitchen.  
  
-“I wish I could know more of the world.”- she explained before her gaze shifted behind Anna.  
-“Good day, Mr. Green!”-  
  
-“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. You are Daisy, right?”- asked the man, walking in and stopping just beside Anna. The young girl nodded, excited at the notion of him remembering her name, then proceeded to introduce Mrs. Patmore. It was him, eventually, who turned to Anna with a smile.  
-“You are Miss Smith if I remember correctly. We had such fun the first time I was here, playing Racing Demon.”-  
  
-“It sure seemed like it. Could you teach it to me someday, Mr. Green?”-  
  
-“Daisy, the quiche isn’t going to prepare itself.”- came Mrs. Patmore’s warning, sufficient enough for the girl to shift her eyes from the man in front of her to the eggs she was beating.  
  
-“I would be glad to.”- he asserted, before taking his leave from them. No one noticed that while he turned around his hand grazed ever so softly over Anna’s back.  
  
-“He is charming. What do you think, Anna?”-  
  
Hearing someone calling her by name somehow grounded her to the reality of the situation, for up until that moment every last drop of her willpower had been concentrated into not shivering, crying, screaming simply because he was there. She couldn’t avoid a flinch when she felt him touching her, though.  
  
-“I...I have to go. ”- she managed to spit out, not sure she would have been able to say much more without bursting into tears.  
  
Daisy didn’t think much of it, but Mrs. Patmore’s eyes were infinitely more trained than the girl’s. If only one looked, it wasn’t difficult to notice her stiffness at his side, her continuous swallows, the way her hand slightly trembled, the way-too-fast rising and falling of her chest.  
She almost seemed, for lack of a better definition, broken, when he was around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter.  
> Yep. dear Alex Green will stay with us for a while, it seems. After all the mastering of a great plan requests time.
> 
> And let's not forget that from this moment on, albeit momentarily, The Two are sharing a bed. Things happen. The rating of the fic might finally begin to make sense.
> 
> Please, leave a comment and a kudo if you liked what you've read! Thanks!


	14. White Tombstone

Mrs. Hughes had assured Anna that she would have conjured up a plausible excuse for her not being in her room, but the maid found it difficult to believe. Without giving away too much it was practically impossible to explain why she had moved her things to Lady Mary’s “dressing room” the previous day; maybe the Lady wanted to wake up much earlier than usual to get an early start on her day? But she had all the time in the world, and apart from the estate there wasn’t much she could actually be occupied with. Almost nothing could be explained without saying that she was hiding away from Mr. Green. “And why are you doing so?” They would have asked. “Because I’m terrified of him.” was the answer she wasn’t allowed to give, despite feeling that sensation running deep in the core of her bones. Other than that, she was ashamed beyond measure, but then again, who wouldn’t be in such a situation? Who on earth would freely talk of how they had been violated, torn apart, deprived of a part of themselves without feeling the deepest shame?

Wanting to push those thoughts away at least for a couple more minutes, Anna curled up against Mary in the same position she had fallen asleep in the night before, a sense of calm pleasure washing over her with the heat of the woman’s body.

She hadn’t had nightmares: though they weren’t nearly as frequent as the first weeks after the Concert, she still woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from time to time, but somehow it all seemed to disappear whenever she shared a bed with Mary. How wondrous the human mind can be, she thought.

Suddenly, Anna felt her lover’s hand sliding ever so slowly on her waist, fingers fiddling with the fabric of her nightgown.

-“You are awake.”- she acknowledged, refusing to open her eyes for the moment.

-“You are thinking very loudly.”-

Anna furrowed her brows in confusion. Half-aware of how stupid the question sounded, she asked:

-“Can you hear it?”-

-“I wish I could say yes, but in reality I simply felt the pace of your breaths quickening against my neck.”- she explained, trying and failing not to sound extremely tired. After all, it was maybe 5.30 and she rarely woke up before 8.00.

-“Sorry...”- the woman whispered, placing a gentle kiss on Mary’s collarbone. She could have stayed like that forever, but she very much knew she couldn’t.

-“I must get up, or else I’m afraid I might have to respond to more questions than I know the answer of.”-

-“One minute.”-

It wasn’t a question, surprisingly it almost sounded like begging. Accompanying her words, Mary brought her hand to Anna’s shoulder and started lazily stroking her neck with one finger, up and down in repeated motions until a soft moan left the woman’s lips. Lowering herself, she replaced the finger with her mouth, laying slow kisses up and down Anna’s skin, behind her ear.

On her part, Anna was doing everything she could to remember that it was almost late for her and she still had to prepare herself, to go downstairs, to have breakfast but _oh God_ , the task was becoming increasingly difficult with each kiss.

-“Mary...I really must go...”- she managed to say in between breaths, though she didn’t sound half as convinced as she wanted to.

-“The minute is not over.”- was all Mary answered, unwilling to give up just yet. It was the other woman, eventually, who turned her head just enough so that their lips could meet and pulled her into a kiss that could be defined all but chaste. She adored kissing her, venerated the way their mouths moved together as if they had always been bound to meet at some point in time.

Then, she stopped.

-“What’s happened?”-

-“I...”- Anna hesitated. There was something she wanted to get off her chest so much it hurt, but it seemed like the right moment never came. Even now she felt tremendously exposed, despite knowing she could put her trust into Mary.

-“I’d rather not talk about it right now if you don’t mind.”-

-“Is there something wrong, Anna?”- _Please, please let there not be anything wrong_ , pleaded the woman in her head while waiting for an answer.

Anna opened her mouth for a moment, then closed it again, uncertain about how to proceed. She ought to get dressed, she reminded herself.

-“I really need to go, Mary. I’m sorry.”- she propped herself up on one arm, her left hand caressing the woman’s cheek.

-“I promise we will have this conversation. I promise.”- she repeated, lowering herself to the woman’s level and stealing one last kiss from her lips before finally getting up and disappearing into the bathroom.

\---

The graveyard was quiet, one might say eerily so, when Mary walked in. It wasn’t a festive day, but for some reason she had seen little to no people on the streets while on the way there, though if she had to admit it to herself she was glad of that.

-“I do hope you are well, my darling, wherever you might be now.”- she whispered, one hand gently laying on the still white tombstone and brushing away a few dead leaves.

-“It’s almost been a year.”- her voice trembled, brimming with emotion. -“I am in love, but I do miss you immensely. It’s not fair...”- she brought one hand to her mouth to suppress the sobs, hoping no one else was there to hear. Before she could continue, though, a voice came from behind her:

-“Love is so very rarely fair.”-

The woman turned her head, seeing Isobel walking towards her. There was a slight, sad smile painted on her lips, but as soon as she noticed that Mary was looking at her she curled the corners of her mouth upwards.

-“I’m sorry if I disturbed you, do you want me to take a walk around?”-

-“Please, don’t. If there’s one person in this world who understands what I feel whenever I am here, it is you.”-

The older woman’s smile seemed more genuine now, and as she stepped forwards her hand gently gripped for a moment Mary’s arm.

-“I am happy to know that you loved him so sincerely. Yours is not a kind of love everyone has the privilege to be blessed with.”-

-“Or cursed.”- the woman remarked, only half-thinking about her late husband now.

Isobel turned to her with her brows furrowed.

-“You cannot possibly tell me that you feel this way towards him.”-

-“Not entirely, although a part of me knows extremely well that had I accepted him sooner none of this would have happened.”- _but “none of this” included Anna as well_ , she reminded herself.

-“You know what they say: ‘The course of true love never did run smooth’.”-

At this point, Mary was beginning to think that The Bard was supernaturally trying to control the course of her life through quotes. She couldn’t help but huff at the ridiculousness of her thoughts, forgetting for a moment the situation she was in. Fortunately, Isobel either didn’t notice or was too polite to point it out.

-“May I invite you to my house for tea?”- she asked instead, and Mary was sure she could hear the unspoken “please” at the end of the sentence.

After a few more minutes they both left the graveyard, Mary promising herself that she would have come back specifically to finish the one-sided talk she was having with Matthew.

-

-“So, tell me, how are the affairs of the Abbey going? I’m sure you are finding the job refreshing.”- Isobel commented while waiting for her tea to cool down.

-“It’s nice to have an active role in the running of the estate, I’ll admit that much.”- she confessed with a smile.

The older woman smiled in response, yet Mary could feel that she desperately wanted to say something but was restraining herself for some reason. She decided not to push her, knowing perfectly well that Isobel didn’t need any of it. Instead, they spoke about London, the new fashions, the flowers that grew in that period of the year, for almost an hour.

-“Mary, might I ask you something?”- Isobel queried at last, when Mary was already putting her coat on.

She nodded, surprised by the tone of uncertainty in her mother-in-law’s voice.

-“I am aware I really shouldn’t be asking you this, and I want you to know that you’d be entirely right should you choose not to answer me, but...back in the graveyard, I heard you talking about being in love again.”-

Mary froze in her position, for a moment unable to process what the woman had just said, while a million different questions raced through her mind at once: _does she expect me not to fall in love ever again? Is she really this egoist? Does she want to know for whom I have fallen?_

-“I understand how impolite I am being, but know it is nothing I could hold against you. Please do not feel pressured to answer me if you don’t want to.”- Isobel quickly explained, though Mary noticed a strange undertone of betrayal in her voice.

-“I will always love Matthew, Isobel.”- she stated, trying not to show the instability in her voice.

-“But you cannot control with respect to whom, or when you fall in love.”-

Not wanting to linger on the topic any longer yet knowing she would have had no way out after what she had just said Mary bid her goodbye and walked out of the door, barely managing to get on the main street before a tear rolled down her cheek.

\---

Anna hadn’t seen Mr. Green the whole afternoon, which should have made her feel relatively relaxed but instead was making her grow more and more vigilant to every little thing that happened around her; every sound, every time someone tried to talk to her, every laugh, every tap on the walls or the doorway made her jump in fear. The moment Baxter came into the boot-room to polish Her Ladyship’s shoes was no different.

-“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”- she apologized, walking on the other side of the table from her.

-“Do not apologize. It’s my fault I’m so jumpy today.”-

-“I don’t see how it could be your fault in any way.”-

Anna’s hands clasped on the brush she was using and she looked up from her work, seeing something in the lady’s maid’s eyes she couldn’t quite discern. The choice of words seemed oddly precise and her tone had been almost pitiful, one might say.

-“I hear the new valet is getting along quite well.”- she commented, wanting to make small talk so urgently she didn’t think about the topic of conversation, realizing only afterward that she had just dug her own grave.

-“It appears so. He seems quite nice, that Mr. Green, doesn’t he?”-

-“I’m sure he is.”-

-“You already knew him from his first visit, am I right?”-

-“Yes, I did.”-

-“He is quite charming, I have to admit. You should hear how Daisy talks of him.”- the woman commented, smiling at the young girl’s naivety.

-“She shouldn’t.”- was Anna’s response, her tone incredibly serious for the kind of conversation they were having.

Baxter already knew for sure that something had happened to Anna, she had seen her wounds and how she reacted to anyone asking her what had caused them, but before that moment she had never even thought that Alexander Green was to blame; however, she considered, she hadn’t been there during the man’s first time at the Abbey.

Her eyes widened at the realisation, but fortunately Anna wasn’t looking directly at her and she managed not to express her shock in words, though this didn’t prevent her from thinking that later on she might have had a word with Thomas about why, after all, the new valet didn’t seem like such a good choice for His Lordship.

\---

The moment she stepped into Mary’s bedroom to begin the process of dressing her for the evening, a still-new sense of familiarity settled upon her, warming her heart.

-“How was your day?”- she queried with a smile, satisfied at the fact that she had managed to block out the “milady” before it reached her tongue.

Mary turned to her with only the shadow of a smile resting on her lips. The conversation she had had with Isobel that afternoon was still replaying in her head, along with every drop of feeling and emotion left by the visit at her late husband’s grave. And Anna was so very good at noticing other people’s behaviours.

-“Come here for a moment, please.”- she asked, stretching her left arm in the woman’s direction to encourage her over and sitting on the chair behind her. Only once Anna was in front of her, brows furrowed and asking if something was wrong Mary allowed her walls to come down for a moment and took her body into her arms, desperately asking for comfort in a way she had rarely done with her parents when she was little.

It didn’t take more than an instant for Anna to understand the evident distress in the woman’s sudden movements. Gently, she placed a hand in her hair while the other stroked the back of her neck, and asked in the most tender tone she could manage:

-“My darling, what is troubling you?”-

Mary closed her eyes and smiled at the appellative Anna had just used, mainly because it was the first time she had ever heard the woman calling her something else other than “Mary” or “milady”. It was something so insignificant yet so very heart-warming and if there was a thing she needed at that moment it was for her heart to be reminded that there was someone who loved her maybe as much as Matthew did. She took a deep breath and gripped Anna’s hands in hers, tilting her chin up so that she could see her eyes.

-“I visited Matthew’s grave this afternoon. I thought that after almost a year the pain would have lessened, but it seems to come back as strong as always every time I...God, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t be telling you this.”-

-“Why on Earth not?”-

-“It is not fair to you, Anna.”-

-“Mary...”- she tightened the grip around the woman’s fingers and continued -“...I know you were in love with him and I could or would never ask of you to forget who he was. Our hearts don’t work that way, but don’t believe that this is a bother for me, please don’t think it for a second.”-

By the end of the sentence, her tone resembled a plead more than anything, but she was very aware of how secluded Mary’s emotions could sometimes be.

-“Don’t hide away from me.”-

A corner of Mary’s mouth quirked up into a smile yet again.

-“You are wiser than I’d ever thought, Anna.”-

She smiled in response, lowering herself just enough so that she could place a kiss on her hair.

-“If I were so wise I’d encourage you not to put up a mask every time you are not alone.”-

-“Granny says it is better to rule by fear.”- she stated, adding a surprised -“What?”- when she heard a giggle escaping Anna’s lips.

-“You and Mr. Barrow could be great friends, all social boundaries aside.”-

-“You believe so?”-

-“No, I’m fairly certain about it.”- the woman answered, succeeding in making Mary laugh and following soon after.

Once a partial calm had returned to the room, the maid politely made her mistress notice that she ought to get dressed for dinner.

-“You might get bored doing this, but at least you don’t have to sit through endless meetings with businessmen who don’t value your opinion simply because you are a woman.”- Mary said at one point during the process, merely thinking out loud.

-“Well, you are the agent of the estate. Whether they want it or not they must listen to you, don’t they?”-

-“Yes, but...sometimes I feel as though things will never change.”-

-“I dare to disagree with that.”- her smile hinted the tiniest bit of mischief.

-“It seems to me that lately a great deal of things have changed, haven’t they?”- the maid asked, glancing at Mary for a moment.

_Oh, they so marvellously have_ , Mary thought. Then, something else came over her mind.

-“Tomorrow I want to show you something. Find a spot of free time after luncheon.”- she stated, a delightfully teasing grin painted on her features. To be alone with her in her own bedroom was a thing, but she knew for a fact that the place she had in mind would have been entirely different. A place where maybe, and only maybe, foreign things were allowed to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Hope the festivities are making you feel at least a bit happier, expecially considered how this year has been.  
> I also do hope you enjoyed the chapter!   
> If you can, leave a small comment ( to which I will try to respond as soon as I can, pinky promise) and a tiny little kudo! Thanks!  
> Happy holidays!


	15. Confidences

The day they had chosen was a Saturday afternoon, just after luncheon.

It hadn’t taken much convincing on either part: Anna wanted to have a walk outside and Mary thought it would have been a perfect opportunity to go out riding.

When they met, far enough from the Abbey to avoid curious eyes, Anna couldn’t help but notice the sheer beauty of the woman standing in front of her: from her black riding gown, which framed her figure in the most marvellous of ways, to the noble tone of her equally black jacket, to the gentle posture she was keeping on her horse Mary Crawley looked absolutely, effortlessly astounding.

She dismounted from the animal and took the bridles into her right hand, giving a quick look to her surroundings to make sure that no one else was there to witness their encounter.

-“It’s nice to see you in colourful clothes for once.”- the woman admitted, giving a quick smile to Anna before she began walking in a direction mostly unknown to the maid.

-“I cannot certainly wear such things when I’m doing my job, milady.”- she answered, and this once Mary could hear that the last word had been put there on purpose.

-“You’re right, but it’s such a pity all the same.”-

-“Well, you are seeing me now.”-

-“I most certainly am.”- Mary whispered, glancing in Anna’s direction long enough to see pink spreading on her cheeks. Maybe she wouldn’t admit it, but she felt pride gliding through her at that sight.

-“Where are we going anyway? You told me to bring a blanket, but that’s not much to go on as a hint.”-

-“Wait and you’ll see.”-

It didn’t take more than fifteen minutes before they reached the destination carefully chosen by Mary: a small lake north of the Abbey, surrounded by trees and far from any frequently travelled path. She looked at Anna taking in the scenery with the same sense of wonder one would see on a boy’s face on Christmas morning: it was a small show per se, to see those lovely eyes so taken by all that was happening around them.

-“It’s not St. James’ Park, but I believe it could work.”- Mary admitted, securing her horse to a nearby tree and giving it a small pat before turning to the woman.

-“It’s beautiful, really.”- she reassured her with a smile, shaking the blanket and laying it on the grass in front of them.

-“It looks like a place of fairy tales, doesn’t it?”-

-“It absolutely does.”-

She heard the woman’s voice coming from behind her before she kissed the base of her neck. She didn’t know why, but a laugh escaped her lips at the gesture: maybe it was the outright happiness which enveloped that moment, she considered, since she couldn’t remember a time when she had felt happier. She turned her head and pressed her hand on Mary’s cheek, locking eyes with the woman before her.

-“If I didn’t know it was impossible, I would ask for this moment to last forever.”-

-“Well, it won’t last that long, but I told the stablemen that I would have been out riding for a few hours and you are not needed before my return.”-

Anna smiled again, giving a small peck at her lover’s lips before sitting down on the blanket, the tight grip she had on Mary’s hand pulling the woman down with her. They stayed like that for a while, with Anna’s head resting on Mary’s shoulder and the woman threading a hand through her hair.

-“You gave me my life back. I wasn’t convinced it was ever going to happen.”- the taller woman admitted, although slightly uncomfortable with the sensation of confessing a thing so delicate to someone. At times she sincerely thought her facade was taking the better of her.

-“I could say the same.”- a small intake of breath, then -“Mary...”-

-“Yes?”-

Anna sat up straight, for a moment tightening her grip around Mary’s hand.

-“A few days ago I promised you that I wanted to speak with you about something.”-

The woman could hardly avoid showing any signs of apprehension at the mention of that conversation: even if she didn’t dare to admit it, the thought had been a constant in her mind. However, she managed to limit her reaction to a nod, much to her own surprise.

-“Mr. Green was not the first. Not exactly, at least.”- Anna declared, knowing that had she tried to beat around the bush she would have never arrived where she wanted to. Feeling Mary’s questioning eyes on her, she went on:

-“It was my step-father. Not much, at first. Just some touches here and there, but my mother couldn’t do anything about it even if she knew.”-

-“Why not?”- Mary’s tone unveiled her anger, but she didn’t care in the least at the moment.

-“Because he cared for us, Mary. And she didn’t want to believe me every time I tried to tell her.”-

-“How could that ever be an excuse? For God’s sake, Anna.”-

When she turned to her, Mary saw the panic in her lover’s eyes and immediately regretted the voice she had used; placing a hand behind her neck she pressed a kiss on her forehead, whispering a soft “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been so harsh”.

-“It’s nothing, don’t worry.”-

-“You should value yourself more.”-

Anna snickered, though the sound seemed void of any real feeling.

-“I am not joking.”- Mary went on -“You are a wonderful soul, my dear.”-

The woman rested her head on Mary’s chest, wishing it could have been possible to kiss her heart. The closest thing she could come up with was the soft murmur of a sentence she had wanted to say for months, without ever finding the appropriate situation.

-“I love you.”-

\---

Robert was peacefully reading in the library, enjoying those few hours of calm just after lunch, when he heard someone else stepping in. Already wondering who he might have to blame for disturbing his quiet, he was instead surprised to discover the subject was none other than Tom.

-“Tom, what are you doing here?”-

-“I was just wondering if I could borrow something to read from the library.”- explained the Irishman, smiling politely at the man sitting in front of him.

-“Oh. In that case, suit yourself, though I doubt you will find something of interest.”-

-“Sybbie won’t stop talking about Egypt and Egyptians. She says she wants to be an explorer when she grows up, so she can look into the pyramids.”-

The older man couldn’t avoid a small laugh, recognizing that his niece’s passion derived with all probability from him.

-“Well, she has quite the spirit.”- he rose from his seat and walked towards a section of his library.

-“I imagine you want to know something more about the secrets of the pharaohs.”-

-“Precisely.”-

-“Then, there are some sections of the Encyclopædia Britannica which could do for you, I believe.”- the man stated, taking from the shelf a volume covered in light brown leather, engraved with golden writings.

-“Take good care of it.”- he added, half-joking, handing the book to Tom.

-“How is Sybbie, by the way? I haven’t seen much of her lately.”-

-“Oh, she’s absolutely beautiful, though I have to admit that nothing could have properly prepared me for the tasks of fatherhood.”-

-“Don’t mention it to me. I loved my daughters since the first moment I saw them, but I have to admit that I do not miss listening to Mary’s desperate cries whenever she wasn’t receiving as much attention as she thought the ought to.”-

-“Things haven’t changed that much, then.”- was the young man’s sarcastic comment, to which Robert responded with a light chuckle.

-“But she is a wonderful woman.”- he then added, feeling the need to balance what he had just said.

-“That, she is. I hope she will find a man who will be able to see past the mask she tries to put on, though I admit it will be difficult, after Matthew.”-

For a moment, Tom sincerely didn’t know what he should have responded. In the span of seconds, he wondered whether Robert suspected something and was testing him, whether he already knew, whether he had no idea of what he was talking about.

-“I’m sure she is going to find someone who will love her as much as he did, Robert.”- was the answer he ultimately decided on, thinking it to be the most neutral he could come up with.

The man sat back on his armchair, tilting his head to the side in consideration.

-“Tony might be a good match, don’t you think?”-

Tom’s grip around the book tightened and he started silently praying for someone to interrupt their conversation.

-“He is certainly a good man.”-

-“But?”-

The young man paused, pondering about the words he should have used; the last thing he wished to do was to betray, albeit involuntarily, either Mary or Anna, but he had never been too good with lies and he didn’t know for how long he would have been able to keep up that one.

-“Mary is very wise. I believe, when the time will come, she will be able to choose the right person for her.”-

Robert narrowed his eyes, unsure about what the Irishman meant. There was a slight tone of hesitation in his voice, but before he could ask further questions Tom excused himself and exited the room. _What a strange behaviour,_ he thought _._

\---

Mary hadn’t realized that they never told those exact words to each other. Yes, they had both confessed their feelings, but the sentence which every single person aspired to hear and to say hadn’t left their mouths yet and up until that very moment the woman wasn’t aware of how much she needed to hear Anna speak those words, to have the certainty that what was happening between them wasn’t anything more than an illusion.

To her surprise, when she smiled a small tear rolled down her cheek.

-“Oh, dear...”- she commented, sliding a finger on her skin to wipe it away.

-“What?”-

Anna turned her head and looked up at Mary’s face, unable to conceal the slightly surprised gaze when she noticed.

-“Mary? Is everything all right?”-

-“So, it was there.”-

Anna’s brows furrowed.

-“The softness Matthew had found in me. I thought he had brought it away with him, but it was always there.”-

-“I never doubted it.”-

-“Why not? You know perfectly how I am.”-

-“Exactly.”- she whispered, kissing the tip of her nose. Then, rather suddenly, a thought came over her.

-“I didn’t say exactly what I meant to, before.”-

-“When?”-

-“I told you about my stepfather for a very specific reason. At one point, one night, I knew he was going to do something to me, so I took a knife from the kitchen drawer and hid behind my door, waiting for him.”- she didn’t dare to look at the woman’s expression, for she could already feel her stare upon her as if it were shards of glass.

-“I-... I didn’t kill him. I couldn’t, but I managed to cut him. My mother kept the matter as quiet as she could, but we had to move away from there.”-

-“He never received justice?”-

Anna looked at her almost in bewilderment. Of everything she had just confessed, that was what Mary was worried about?

-“I don’t believe so, but again, if something had gotten out they would have probably sent me to the madhouse, or prison.”-

All of a sudden, something in Mary’s eyes transformed. If they had been gentle and kind one moment before, now they seemed almost wrathful, darker than she had ever seen them.

-“If it is the last thing I do, Green will see nothing but the bars of a cell for the rest of his life.”- she stated, and Anna knew it wasn’t a decision she could try to dim, for it had been spoken as if from a King to his army before the beginning of a war. She kept quiet, managing a small smile despite feeling intimidated by the person before her. As soon as Mary noticed, her eyes shifted downwards for a moment and when they turned back up, that familiar shade of warm hickory brown had returned.

-“That was strong talk on my part. I apologise.”-

-“Really, Mary, that would be the last thing I would want you to apologise for.”-

-“There is a list?”- she asked, her tone now playful and relaxed.

Anna couldn’t help but laugh. -“Not for now, at least.”-

-“Do tell me if there will ever be any reason for me to.”-

-“And you will apologise, milady?”- the woman cocked an eyebrow, her tone wilfully provocative.

-“Only if I should.”- Mary answered, and Anna barely had the time to notice the shade of mischief on her lover’s lips before her hands slid down her waist, pulling her into a kiss. Though at that point they had already kissed more than once or twice, each time their lips came together never failed to take away Anna’s breath and quicken her pulse. She really hoped she would have never gotten used to the sheer wonder of it.

At one point, the woman felt herself being gently pushed to the ground by Mary’s body, hands carefully laying her on the soft blanket, all while never breaking contact with her lips. By the time Anna’s head reached the ground Mary was astride on her, attentive not to put any of her weight on the woman.

For a moment, Anna’s heart began beating so fast she thought it would have exploded in her chest here and there, but the memory of Mr. Green pressed onto her never came, not more than in a clouded glimpse.

She had thought of it, fearing how the recollections of that night alone would have kept her from Mary; thoughts she shouldn’t have even considered, admittedly, but which she had nonetheless and which now somehow seemed to have no matter. Anna closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, catching the light perfume Mary always put on amidst the scent of the grass and the flowers; together with the warmth of the sun upon them, it was the most mesmerizing sensation Anna had ever felt in her life.

-“You are so beautiful.”- whispered Mary at one point, leaving her lover’s lips to place a kiss on her forehead. When she looked at her, she saw her cheeks of a slightly darker tone of pink.

-“Will I ever manage to compliment you without you becoming of the same shade as my tapestry?”-

-“It’s not something I have much control over, Mary.”-

-“We all do.”-

-“Is it a bother to you?”-

A smile crossed over Mary’s lips, but how couldn’t it?

-“Not in the least.”-she mumbled, locking her gaze into her eyes and moving aside a small lock of hair from her face. After a few seconds, the woman rose back and sat on her heels, wrapping her arms around Anna’s waist so that she could follow her movement.

-“This is really beyond inappropriate.”- was Anna’s comment, though the smile didn’t fade from her lips.

-“I don’t believe anyone else other than the birds and the geese will see us here, my darling. And...”- she hesitated, wondering whether she should have finished the sentence the way she meant to.

-“...I want to get used to it.”- Mary admitted at last, challenging herself into keeping eye contact with Anna despite the rising heat in her chest and her cheeks.

Anna tilted her head to the side, squinting her eyes in confusion.

-“Get used to what?”- she asked, her mind miles away from the answer.

A corner of Mary’s mouth quirked up in a smirk, but she didn’t answer immediately. Instead, she took her time to finally stand up and helped Anna to her feet as well before answering, with an echo of her lover’s words:

-“The answer might be beyond inappropriate.”-

If she had been eating or drinking anything, Anna was sure she would have spat it out. Never in her life had she heard someone speaking so daringly, and yet she was all but repelled by the words Mary had used. _Is this what love does?_ She wondered as she walked towards the woman.

-“Thank you for today, it was beautiful.”- Anna whispered, hoping in some way that she could convey all her gratefulness in those words.

For the first time in her life, she had felt safe next to someone else other than her family.

_Maybe this is what love does._

-“A very, very beautiful day indeed.”- whispered to himself Mr. Green, fiddling with a piece of wood bark from the tree he had been hiding under. While walking back, careful not to be spotted by the two women, he thought of all the ways he could have blackmailed both of them. Of all the beautiful things he would have done to Anna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi beautiful souls!  
> Sorry for the delay, but I managed to post one last time before this wretched year is over!  
> I hope 2021 will be better for all of you! If you liked what you read, please leave a little comment or a teeny tiny kudo!
> 
> ALSO, I don't know if you know, but a big earthquake happened in Coratia. Donate, or spread the news if you can't donate yourself. Thanks again.
> 
> https://www.timeout.com/croatia/news/earthquake-donation-information-from-the-croatian-red-cross-and-unicef-croatia-122920
> 
> https://gogetfunding.com/sisakpetrinjastrasnik-earthquake-relief/
> 
> https://www.gofundme.com/f/pray-for-croatia-earthquake-63-destroyed-towns?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet


	16. Veiled Thoughts

Mr. Green seemed unusually smug lately, Thomas noticed. He would laugh and smile with everyone around him, one or two times the footman was convinced he had even heard him sing to himself. 

One day, he managed to catch him alone in the dining room, and almost entirely out of boredom he decided to ask:

-“How is it that you are so cheerful these days, Mr. Green?”-

The man looked up at him as if amused by the evident irritation in his voice.

-“Why shouldn’t I be?”-

-“It is not every day that you see a servant singing tunes to himself.”-

-“Even if there was a reason, why should I confide in you of all people?”-

In that, Thomas had to admit, he was right. Since his arrival at the Abbey the man hadn’t made any particular effort to befriend him in any way, and he was fairly sure Green still remembered the way he had been pushed against the wall and threatened by the footman not three months before.

-“I’m just curious. Not much happens around here.”- Thomas commented, taking a seat on the opposite side from the table from him. 

-“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure.”- he asserted with a smirk. Though he would have wanted to keep it a secret from everyone, it was just too tantalizing a thing.

-“Why?”-

Mr. Green looked at the two doorways leading into the room, making sure no one else was there to eavesdrop, if by accident. 

-“Do you think you can keep a secret?”- he asked, leaning in. 

The footman couldn’t help but smile: clearly Green hadn’t been properly informed about Thomas Barrow yet, or else he wouldn’t have even asked the question.

-“Of course I can.”-

-“Even if it involves someone from upstairs?”-

At that, Thomas’s eyes widened in surprise. _He surely couldn’t know, could he?_ From what Anna was telling him she and Mary were trying to be as careful as possible. 

-“You mean a member of the family? Are you sure?”-

-“I saw it with my own two eyes, I don’t think I have ever been more sure in my entire life.”-

-“And what is it that you saw, exactly?”- the man inquired, trying to appear as collected as possible.

-“Well...I believe it is enough to say that Lady Mary might have lost her interest in the opposite sex, recently.”-

Thomas would have wanted to swear. He had never been one to show his emotions, but this wasn’t a personal matter and if he knew the bare minimum about Mr. Green he already knew how his mind worked.

Caught in his thoughts, he forgot to appear as surprised as he should have.

-“Are you certain of what you have seen? Certain that it was her?”- he tried, hoping to dissuade him in some way.

Mr. Green smiled and rose from his chair, after hearing His Lordship’s bell.

-“More than certain, and I cannot wait to make proper use of this information.”- was the last Thomas heard of him before he disappeared behind the door.

-“Bloody hell...”- the man swore once he was alone, fighting with himself to avoid punching a hole into the dining table. A million questions and doubts were rising in his mind: why had he suddenly decided to trust him enough to tell him such a secret? Why did he know in the first place? What had he decided to do?

-“I do believe you are aware that this type of language is not tolerated in this house, Mr. Barrow.”-

-“Yes, Mr. Carson.”- 

The footman rose from his seat and exited the room, only merely acknowledging the presence of the butler in his way. 

It wasn’t until he saw Anna returning from Lady Mary’s room that, amidst the general confusion of the people present, he managed to sneak upstairs. By luck, the eldest Crawley daughter was crossing the hall when he barged in, ungracefully to say the least.

-“Milady, may I speak with you for a moment?”-

Mary turned, startled by the haste in Mr. Barrow’s movements. He was one to never lose his posture, that much she could say for certain. Giving a glance at her surroundings, she stepped towards the footman.

-“What is it?”-

-“I thought it would have been better to tell you, instead of Mrs. Smith. I don’t think she could be able to handle such a piece of information. Not now.”-

Mary’s expression grew worried. 

-“How do you mean?”- she asked, allowing a small fraction of the rising preoccupation to filter through her voice.

-“I don’t exactly know when, but someone has seen the two of you together.”-

-“Mary, dear?”- Robert’s voice called from the dining room, almost making her heart drop. 

-“I’m coming, Papa.”- she responded, unable to ask the question that was pressing her most. 

She smiled politely, but while she was walking towards her father she managed to hear one last sentence, almost whispered, before she could be too far away:

-“It’s wonderful how the plants are all still so green, despite it being nearly November.”-

-

The blood was rushing so violently in her ears, filling her head with her own heartbeats; there would have been no other reason for Mr. Barrow to say what he had said, if not to let her know about the person who had discovered her secret. Mr. Green, he who she had come to hate with her whole heart, somehow knew about her and Anna. Despite all her attempts to find another meaning in the footman’s words, she couldn’t come up with anything else, so obviously that must have been the right answer.

-“Mary?”-

Her mother’s voice slowly made its way into her brain, recalling her to the reality of the situation.

-“I’m sorry Mama, I was distracted.”-

-“I could see that. What were you thinking about?”-

She looked around, struggling to maintain that haughty, royal aspect that had always characterized her, but falling down at that moment was not an option. 

-“Nothing too important.”- 

Cora squinted her eyes ever so slightly, knowing for a fact that something was hiding under that facade Mary loved so much to put up whenever she could. Was it something that had to do with Anna? _Golly, what a strange thought,_ the woman considered as she ate in silence, deciding that if she was to enquire about her daughter’s worries she would have done so in the afternoon. 

-

With the passing of the hours, Mary’s worry didn’t do anything but grow: if it had really been Mr. Green who had seen them, then he surely would have found a way to blackmail them and the woman couldn’t see a clear way out of the situation, neither for her nor for Anna. Even if she could manage to convince her father to dismiss him, he would have known about them.

-

It was a gloomy day outside, so Rose wasn’t particularly surprised in finding her cousin in the library that afternoon. Smiling broadly at the woman as she entered the room, she made a frivolous comment about the weather but received no more than a monosyllabic response.

-“Cousin Mary, is everything quite all right?”- she asked, taking place on one of the sofas. 

The older woman shifted her gaze to Rose, as if only now actually noticing that another person was in the room.

-“Why shouldn’t I be?”- she asked, hinting a smile. 

As she spoke the nanny came in, holding George in her arms. For a moment a different light seemed to spark in Mary’s eyes, as she took her son from the woman and gently placed him on her legs, softly kissing the top of his head.

-“Oh, I dare not say, although today at luncheon you didn’t seem quite yourself.”-

-“We all have problems, Rose. Sometimes it’s not as easy as it looks to separate them from our ordinary life.”-

-“I doubt that not talking about it with anyone could make it any easier.”- the girl commented, ready to face one of Mary’s witty responses.

-“I’m sorry if I seem so brash, but does it have anything to do with...”- she trailed off, tilting her head to the side.

Instinctively, Mary’s hold around George’s tiny frame tightened, as if she wanted to protect him from what could have been told. Not that he would have understood much, although he had already started speaking two or three months before, but a part of Mary’s unconscious was so terribly afraid.

She breathed in, trying to steady her heartbeats.

-“I don’t know whether this is a topic we should talk about at this moment.”-

-“Why not? There is no one to hear us now.”-

-“George-”-

-“George is your son, Mary. You cannot be afraid to talk about the person you love in front of him.”- Rose stated, and it genuinely stunned Mary how she had decided to remark that point instead of the fact that, being merely one year old, he wouldn’t have understood anything of what they were saying.

-“You are right.”- she admitted, and the younger woman couldn’t ignore the swell of pride that swept over her, -“But that is not the only thing that is troubling me.”-

-“What is, then? Is it something I can help with?”-

-“I highly doubt it.”- 

Another little pause, then she went on:

-“You see, someone saw the two of us together and I am so very afraid that he will find a way to blackmail either me or her in the worst of ways.”-

-“Oh, God...Are you sure there isn’t anything that could be done?”- she asked, the concern palpable through her voice.

-“What? Even if I were to pay him, nothing guarantees that he won’t come back.”-

-“Wouldn’t it be better to talk about it with your father?”-

-“If I wanted to be disinherited on the spot, I might do that.”-

-“He’s your father, Mary. You can’t sincerely believe that he will stop loving you for this.”-

-“I do not believe, so much as know.”-the woman asserted, albeit aware of how pessimistic she sounded.

Rose stood in silence for a few moments, pondering on her next words, wondering whether or not she should have asked the question that had been hammering her mind since the last time they had spoken. 

-“May I know who she is?”-

Mary cocked an eyebrow, confused by the change of topic, only to then remember that she hadn’t really told her yet, and considering how supportive she had been of her it seemed downright unfair.

-“Don’t you have any guesses?”- she quirkd an eyebrow, deciding to allow herself a moment away from the gloom and seriousness of her thoughts.

-“So it is someone I know.”- Rose stated, excitement transpiring through her tone.

-“I would say so.”-

The girl darted her eyes downward, thinking about all the possible candidates: she mostly knew people of her age and surely Mary couldn’t have been interested in that range, regardless of the gender.

-“But I did know her before you.”- the woman added, that slight mischievous smile dancing at the corner of her mouth.

-“Is she older or younger than you? You must give me one clue at least.”-

-“A few years older.”-

-“A few years older...”- she mindlessly repeated, thinking about every possible female member of the upper class that came to her mind. Then, a doubt lightened her. If Mary had looked over to the other side of the pond, nothing told her that she couldn’t have overcome classist rules as well and with that suggestion, a name came to mind, but at the beginning she dare not say it.

-“Has she ever visited the Abbey?”-

The woman couldn’t avoid a smirk.

-“She might know about the insides of this building better than me and Edith put together, I suspect.”-

Rose’s eyes widened, her smile growing broader and broader. 

-“Is it Anna?”- she asked, whispering the maid's name and fearing for a moment that she might be wrong, but struggling to keep her composure once Mary nodded slightly.

-“God, Mary, I am so very happy for you.”- the young woman exclaimed, trying to push to the back of her head the thousands of questions she had.

-“At least you don’t have to build up excuses to see each other.”-

-“That might be the only upside I can find, to be honest.”-

-“Don’t be so harsh, dear cousin. Does anyone else know?”-

-“Tom, and Mama, though it was an accident.”-

-“And...”- Rose’s smile faded away, replaced with a veiled worry -“...Does she approve? Your mother, I mean.”-

-“She doesn’t loathe me, which I should be grateful about.”- was Mary’s bitter comment.

-“Such nonsense. I am sure she is happy that you found a way out.”- she got up from her seat, pressing her hands on the dress she was wearing to straighten the creases.

-“A way out? How do you mean?”-

-“I believe you know exactly what I mean.”- she stated, her girlish smile returning to her lips while she exited the room.

\---

Despite the kitchen and the fireplace, the downstairs somehow managed to be as cold as a dungeon in the winter months, which was one of the reasons Anna was so happy about the thought of sleeping in Mary’s room, under much heavier duvets than the ones they had and with a warm fire right beside them.

-“Your blankets are really that light?”- asked Mary, listening to the explanation as to why her lover’s hands were so cold while she was undressing her and braiding her hair.

-“They are not the heaviest I have ever seen, I have to admit.”-

-“Golly, I must do something about it. Tomorrow I will talk with Papa.”-

-“Really, Mary, you shouldn’t. It’s not a big problem after all.”-

-“As the future caretaker of Downton, I must care about my employees. If I don’t, then who will?”-

The lightest of smiles was painted on Anna’s lips when the woman looked in the mirror in front of her.

-“Don’t say anything.”-

-“Mary Crawley is a caring person. God, the world will end if someone knows.”- Anna playfully mocked her.

In all response, Mary rose from her seat and swept one arm around the woman’s waist, fingers spread on her back.

-“I certainly know who will end if a word of what I said goes out of this room.”-

-“You are not very intimidating, if I must be honest.”-

-“No?”- she raised an eyebrow, and from the shining of her eyes Anna could tell that she was enjoying that little moment of banter at least as much as her.

-“No.”-

Mary smiled again, placing a kiss on the tip of her nose.

-“Good Lord, you really must be freezing.”-

Anna tilted her head, giving the woman a small smile.

-“I’m sure I will warm up in no time.”- she asserted, before disappearing into the bathroom to change into her nightgown. 

As soon as she was left alone, the constant of Mr. Green returned to Mary’s mind. She didn’t want to tell her now, but she wasn’t sure she would have been able to the next day, or all the days following for that matter. Not after seeing a genuine smile return to her face after months. 

If she had to, Mary decided, she would have been the one to put an end to all of that, for better or for worse. After all, it seemed like God had already turned their back on her, so what difference would it make if she was already living in sin?

 _No, these are not the thoughts of a Lady._ A voice commanded from deep in her mind. However, before she could rebut, the door to her right opened and Anna came out, dressed in that dark blue nightgown which had stopped being Mary’s long ago.

-“It suits you.”- she commented with a smirk.

-“I can hardly believe so. Honestly, I look like a little girl who insisted on wearing her mother’s clothes.”- was the woman’s remark as she slipped under the covers. 

Mary couldn’t help but laugh at the description.

-“You are quite delectable, in all truth.”-

-“Delectable?”- a faint laugh crossed her lips as well as she spoke, since she was positive she had never heard Mary using such terms.

-“Positively.”- was the woman’s whispered answer, before she shifted closer to Anna and gave her a quick kiss, admiring the way the moon gently touched her features.

-“I haven’t told you: I talked with Rose this afternoon.”-

-“And?”-

-“I told her about us. Or better still, about you, since she knew I had fallen for a woman long before you did.”-

-“Oh, really?”- Anna asked, her tone falsely peeved.

-“You have to allow me, my darling. At first I couldn’t simply accept it and I needed someone to confide in.”-

-“But you do now, right?”-

Mary sensed the worry in her answer, and she had to restrain herself from bursting into a laugh.

-“I couldn’t possibly be more convinced about being in love with you.”- she whispered, softly placing a kiss at the base of her neck.

Anna closed her eyes, keeping one hand behind Mary’s head while she kissed her and wondering whether what was happening was real, since she couldn’t remember a time in her whole life when she had been this happy. Pressing her fingers under Mary’s chin she diverted her kisses to her mouth, wanting to impress in her memory the shape of those lips one last time before she fell asleep.

-“I love you.”- Anna murmured, not knowing what else she might have said to express the sheer intensity of her emotions at that moment. 

Mary smiled against her lips, kissing her one last time before settling into a comfortable position and holding her lover’s hand in hers, soon lulled to sleep by the steady pace of Anna’s breaths on her skin.

_She did love her, too, but she wanted to find the right moment to say it and maybe, just maybe, that moment hadn’t long to wait._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> I'm genuinely sorry if you had to wait so long!  
> Hope as always that you'll like the chapter, for this one I tried to keep everything more or less light-hearted. Which won't happen in the next, but very probably not for the reason you're thinking of. The only spoiler I can give you is that the name of the next chapter is a french expression for something, not widely used, but still very fitting.  
> That said, please do leave a comment/kudo if you liked what you read, see you next time!


	17. La Petite Mort

England had never been known for its sunny days, and that Sunday in particular seemed to offer proof of it more than anything: clouds brimming with rain and thunders had been upon the Abbey since early morning, offering a steady, pleasing background that seemed to plead for everyone to stay inside with a cup of tea and a good book to read or someone to chat with. A plead which no one in the household, not even the servants, seemed to disdain completely.

  
-“What are you reading?”-  
  
Anna’s eyes bolted up from the page at the voice. Even though Baxter and Molesley were in the dining room with her the thought of being anywhere near Alex Green always triggered something in her.  
  
-“ _Call Of The Wild_...it ought to be interesting, shouldn’t it?”- he kept on, softly placing his fingers on the cover of the book to have a better look at it.  
  
-“It is, but I don’t believe it would fit your interests, Mr. Green.”-  
  
-“Oh? And what would my interests be, Miss Smith?”- he queried with a smile, curious to see how the young maid would have played out the situation knowing that there were two other people present.  
  
-“I don’t know you that well, yet.”-   
  
-“Might I speak with Miss Smith for a moment?”- the man turned to the couple sitting on opposite sides of the table, hinting that they were to leave the room.   
  
-“Oh, naturally. Miss Baxter, if you will?”- Molesley gave a quick smile to the woman beside him, who strangely enough had her eyes fixed upon Anna. However she could only do so much without talking and, not having heard any kind of refusal from the other lady’s maid, she stepped out of the room at last.  
  
 _He can’t do anything. Not now. Not with everyone just outside._ were the words Anna was repeating to herself: even though up until a few moments before she had been relatively positive about the outcome of the situation, now that they were alone there were no more certainties.   
  
-“So...”- the man sat on what would have normally been Mr. Carson’s chair before proceeding, -“...we haven’t had a chance to properly talk since I came back here, did we? And there are some very interesting things I wish to discuss with you.”-  
  
She could have gotten up and left like she had done so many other times when he entered a room.  
  
-“What things?”- she asked instead, tone stiff and brows furrowed.   
  
Green smirked, leaning in towards her until he could speak in a whisper:  
-“You and Lady Mary really do make an exquisite couple.”-  
  
Anna would have wanted not to react. She wished with her whole heart she could have that same steel mask that rarely ever seemed to fall off of Mary’s face. Instead, as Alex returned to his position, he could observe with pleasure the distress spreading on the woman’s features.  
  
-“How...”-  
  
-“A few weeks ago, Saturday if I’m not mistaken. That lake was truly so very beautiful.”-  
  
For a few seconds Anna couldn’t speak. If he knew about them and he hadn’t told anyone yet, it could mean but one thing: he had other plans in mind, plans which very probably involved either her or Mary, maybe both of them. The man of her nightmares was holding them in his pocket and there was nothing immediate she could do about it.  
  
-“So?”- she asked at last, slightly surprised by how cheeky her own voice sounded.  
  
The valet tilted his head before that tedious grin appeared once more on his mouth.  
-“Don’t try to appear as someone you are not, Anna. You and I both know this isn’t your behaviour. However, since you ask...”- his hand now slid on the maid’s knee, tracing slow circles on the fabric of her skirt. He waited for a moment before leaning in again and whispered in her ear:  
-“I cannot wait to see you on your knees.”-, his mouth leaving a kiss on her neck before he abruptly got up and left the room.  
  
To say that Anna was terrified would have been an understatement. With a few sentences, he had been able to bring her back to that night six months before, equally helpless and scarred.   
Why had she ever dreamed she could be free of him? Why had she longed so much for something impossible?  
  
\---  
  
From the library the thunders and roaring of the rain seemed amplified, probably because of the wide windows, Robert thought. However, it wasn’t the noise that was preventing him from concentrating on the book he was reading, nor the sweet tune his wife was humming.  
  
-“Cora, my dear, can I ask you something?”-  
  
The woman turned to him from her seat at the desk, putting the pen she was using in its holder and nodding slightly in response.  
  
-“Do you know whether Mary might be seeing someone at the moment?”-  
  
-“I don’t believe so. Why would you think that?”-  
  
-“Don’t misunderstand me, I would be extremely happy to know that our daughter is willing to open her heart to someone. It’s only, I have seen her behaving oddly these days.”-  
  
The woman quirked an eyebrow, uncertain for a moment about whether he knew something he wasn’t letting on or not.   
  
-“Oddly?”-  
  
-“You have seen her, too, you can’t deny that.”-  
  
-“We all have everyday worries, Robert, and you know Mary.”-  
  
-“She hardly ever gives away a thing.”- the man asserted with a smirk, before standing up and walking towards his wife.  
-“I do hope that she will meet someone, eventually.”-  
  
-“Give her time, darling. She is wiser than you might imagine.”- the woman rose from her seat and took one of Robert’s hands in hers, smiling tenderly.  
  
-“How strange...”-  
  
-“What?”-  
  
-“I was talking with Tom some time ago and he said more or less the same thing. It seems as though you are in agreement on something.”-  
  
Cora tried her best to mask the nervous laughter that escaped her lips: if Tom knew about Mary and Robert had already spoken with him on the same subject, receiving variations of the same answer two times in a row might seem suspicious.   
  
-“Tom knows Mary better than most people, it’s not surprising he had the same thoughts as me about her.”-   
  
-“You would tell me if you knew something about our daughter, wouldn’t you?”-   
  
-“If something really is troubling our Mary, she will tell us when she feels ready.”- the woman reassured him with a smile, praying that he would have let the topic fall as soon as possible since she wasn’t completely sure she could have kept on that mask of ignorance for much longer.  
However, Robert seemed satisfied with the answer and, after a “You are probably right” and a quick kiss on the forehead, he returned to his reading.  
  
Cora, on the other side, promised to herself that she would have talked with her daughter as soon as possible: even though the reaction might have not been of the best, Robert was still her father and he ought to know about Mary.  
  
\---  
  
Mary was beginning to think she might have done or said something to anger Anna, seen that she had barely said a word since coming into her room to undress her for the night. Come think of it, the woman had been awfully quiet all day, avoiding conversation and absently leaning into kisses and touches, and Mary could bear only so much.  
  
-“Could you tell me what has gotten into you?”- she finally asked when she was already in bed, looking at her lover’s frame against the dim light of the fireplace.  
  
-“How do you mean?”- Anna tried, albeit knowing she didn’t sound convincing.  
  
In all response, the woman tilted her head to the side in disappointment.  
-“I think you know perfectly well what I mean, but you chose not to tell me.”-  
  
-“It’s-”-  
  
-“Try one more time to say ‘It’s nothing’ in front of me, Anna.”-  
  
It obviously wasn’t ‘nothing’, but the mere thought of it made her feel ashamed beyond measure.   
Shyly taking her place beside Mary she started fidgeting with the covers for a bit, before finally answering:  
-“Mr. Green talked with me today.”-  
  
-“He told you.”- Mary whispered, the expression on her face changing instantly from frustration to apprehension, for she had foolishly hoped she could protect her from that at least.  
  
-“You knew already? Why didn’t you tell me?”-  
  
-“I hoped you wouldn’t have found out, to be honest.”-  
  
-“Why on Earth, Mary? Are we not supposed to confide in each other?”- the woman asked, her tone slightly higher than it should have been.  
  
For all Mary would have wanted to say, no reply could have made total sense.  
-“I thought I could protect you from him. Forgive me.”- she admitted, at last, surprised by the sincerity in her voice.  
  
In all response, Anna took Mary’s hand and brought it to her lips, smiling when their fingers interlaced.  
  
-“I have my fair share of protectors, I would say.”- she commented, shifting in closer to the woman’s warm body.  
  
-“Well then, aren’t you the lucky one?”-  
  
-“I most certainly am...”- Anna whispered, sliding her fingers under Mary’s jaw and pressing their lips together for a kiss. She couldn’t help but smile, as if bewitched by the way the woman’s mouth moved on hers, by her every breath and sigh.   
  
-“Do you trust me?”- Mary asked suddenly, taking a moment to look at her lover’s ice-blue eyes.  
  
-“Of course...”- Anna answered, admittedly slightly confused by what the question could be leading to; in the instants before Mary kissed her once again she thought she could see something shift in the woman’s eyes, but it was too quick for her to say what it could have been.  
  
Lips joined, Anna felt the sweet touch of Mary’s fingers sliding on her collarbone and down her left shoulder, grazing her skin just under the edge of her nightgown and soon after the woman’s mouth followed that same path, placing soft kisses over her neck until a gasp slipped from her lips.   
Before she could notice Anna found herself once again under Mary’s body, exactly as it happened weeks before when they were by the lake; this time, however, the woman’s intentions seemed to be much clearer and for a moment Anna considered fleeing the situation. A thousand thoughts gathered in her head, voices from within her soul screaming restlessly: she knew Mary wouldn’t have resisted had she decided to stop, but she was also aware of that part of her which longed for that contact between them.   
Though she didn’t exactly know how, Mary was sure she could feel her lover’s thoughts whirling through her mind. For all she wanted and for how much she desired it, nothing could be worth knowing that the person she loved didn’t feel safe within her arms.  
  
-“I won’t go any further if you don’t want it.”- she asserted, one hand resting on her cheek and the other on her chest, feeling the increasing speed of her heartbeats.  
  
There was a doubt for a moment, she could read it through the pale blue shade of Anna’s eyes as clear as day. However, before she could shift her position and get back at her side, the other woman gripped her right hand with a strength she could have never imagined such a graceful human being could exercise and, once she had managed to lock her eyes to Mary’s once again, she kissed her with just as much force, pressing their lips together in a way that almost left the both of them breathless.  
  
Without another word, but with a little smirk on the side of her mouth Mary returned to where she had left off, leaving kisses and occasional soft bites on the woman’s neck and collarbone, relishing in the almost silent sighs and moans that left Anna’s mouth with increasing persistence. Only then did her hands dare to slide down the woman’s body, slowly tucking up her nightgown until it was just below her hips but stopping immediately when she heard Anna’s sharp intake of breath.  
  
-“What’s wrong, my darling?”- Mary asked, hands immediately shifting to her cheeks. It took a few seconds before Anna was able to formulate an answer, though even in the dimming light of the fire Mary could notice the blush and feel the heat on her cheeks.  
  
-“I’m...God, I don’t-...”- she stammered, unsure about how to properly phrase what she was thinking.  
  
-“Anna, look at me.”-  
  
The woman lifted her eyes, looking much like a scared fawn.   
  
-“Close your eyes.”- Mary whispered, lowering herself until her lips touched Anna’s, but not quite kissing her. Meanwhile, her hands were calmly returning to their previous position on her nightgown.  
-“I want to love you with as much of myself as I possibly can.”- she went on, giving her lips a small kiss.  
-“I want to venerate you.”- another kiss, -“I want you to forget everything that now stands around us.”-  
this time Anna smiled when their lips touched, -“I want to adore you.”-   
  
With that last sentence, Mary propped herself up on her elbows and finally took that tedious piece of clothing off of the woman, her hands trembling in anticipation but managing to rest on her neck for the moment.  
  
Anna’s eyes were still shut, which made Mary giggle against her best intentions.  
  
-“I really do hope you know that there is nothing you could possibly be afraid of.”- she whispered, placing a kiss this time on the tip of her nose.   
  
Hesitantly, the woman opened her eyes, heart pounding and hands tightly gripping at Mary’s nightgown. She was completely naked for the first time in her life in front of someone else; not even Mr. Green had stripped her entirely of her clothes and yet this time she wasn’t feeling nearly as helpless as that night during the Concert. If anything, she felt powerful.  
  
The logs in the firepit were still crackling loudly and the rain was hammering against the windows, its sound occasionally overpowered by the thunders, but somehow it all faded away the moment their bodies finally touched, bound by nothing other than goosebumps.  
  
-“You are blushing.”- stated Anna with a smirk, proud that for once she had gotten the chance to make Mary notice before she could.  
  
-“Am I?”- the woman’s brows furrowed in amusement.   
Maybe because she hadn’t had that kind of contact in more than a year or maybe because despite what she wanted to show she was nearly as clueless as her lover on how to proceed from that point on, but Mary Crawley was most definitely blushing and it had little to nothing to do with the heat of the fireplace.  
Then she kissed Anna again, her hands now daring to wander to the warmth of her body, to her sides, her arms, her back, everything she could have never reached before. Eventually, though, it was her mouth that left her lover’s lips once again to trail soft brushes on her neck and down to her chest, placing a kiss on her breast.  
  
At the contact, Anna’s entire being involuntarily convulsed, washing over her a sensation she never knew could be felt by the human body. It was dominant and breathtaking, cursing through her from the back of her head down to her legs and the more Mary’s mouth moved on her the more intense it became, to the point where she couldn’t avoid letting her lover’s name slide through her lips in a breathed plead, hands brushing through her hair in a silent order not to stop.   
She had never indulged in herself. She had been taught that pleasure was a sin and she had never doubted it for a second, regardless of how many times she had wondered how it could have felt. Now, as Mary kissed and softly bit her skin, she thought she must have never been truly alive.  
  
Mary never thought she could enjoy so much the simple act of cherishing another human being. To see how her touches and grazes affected Anna, how her breath broke and quickened every time she touched a particularly sensitive spot was almost intoxicating. _God_ , everything about that woman was nothing short of divine in Mary’s eyes, from the way she moved to how the light of the fire reflected on her skin, by now thinly veiled by sweat.  
Returning to her initial position she kissed her lips again, seemingly only now realising how much she needed to be with her; unsure only at first, the woman pressed their bodies together until not even a breath of air would have passed between them, delighted by the riveting sensation which enveloped her when she could feel Anna’s desire against hers.  
While they moved and kissed and moaned, both of them realized that whoever thought of this as sin must have been wrong, for neither of the two had ever felt closer to something sacred more than at that moment; if love could ever be given an instant to show itself in its true form, it would have been them.   
  
They reached their climax almost at the same time, both breathlessly whispering each other’s name while their bodies interlocked together in one last moment of ecstasy.

_That must be why they call it “la petite mort”_ Anna thought, barely managing to keep her consciousness through the absolute rapture of what was happening.

-  
  
-“I love you.”- were the first words which broke that silence, murmured by Mary once she had enough air in her lungs to form something more coherent than a sigh. She watched Anna smile at her, mow lazily kissing her lips before replying:  
  
-“That has to be the best sentence I have ever heard in my life.”-   
Her hands were still caressing Mary’s back when suddenly her brows furrowed.  
-“Oh, God. I can’t believe it.”- she barely fought back a giggle, slightly pressing her fingers near the back of the woman’s neck.  
  
-“What?”-  
  
-“You don’t feel anything?”-  
  
-“You will have to be far more specific than this.”- Mary smiled, absent-mindedly fidgeting a lock of Anna’s hair, still completely lost in the beauty of the woman before her.   
  
It took a few moments before Anna finally admitted:  
-“I think I might have scratched you.”- her tone half-apologetic and half-amused.  
  
Only then, when the awareness of the action was made present to Mary, she noticed a slight burning sensation on her back, but knowing what had caused it did nothing if to her ego.   
Finally shifting to her lover’s side, she commented with a raised eyebrow:  
-“That is something I could take pride in.”-  
  
-“Mary!”-   
  
The woman tilted her head, waiting for a reply albeit knowing that she was all but wrong.   
-“Am I wrong?”- she teased her, smiling when she could see the flush on Anna’s cheeks evident even through the scarce light of the fire.   
With the adrenaline fading away, however, it didn’t take much before she noticed how tired she effectively was: it must have been almost, if not past midnight and Anna had to get up at 5.30 a.m. to avoid Daisy’s rounds in the rooms.  
  
Anna didn’t answer, partly because she knew how much pride her lover could take in being right, and if once in a while she could get the satisfaction of at least not saying it out loud, she would have taken it without a doubt.  
Instead, she kissed her again, this time bidding her goodnight and falling asleep with the sweet knowledge that she couldn’t have possibly loved her more.   
That, in the world of the living, no one could ever be able to love her more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are with a chapter which scared the hell out of me, because honestly I had no idea how to write that scene. I really do hope I managed to convey everything in the right way!  
> Let me know what you thought of it, and leave a little kudo if you haven't already.  
> That said, I really hope you liked it.  
> See you next time, beautiful souls!


	18. Blackmail

While the rain had subsided during the night, the wind had been vigorously howling through the niches of the Abbey, finding its way past the slightly open window in Mary’s bedroom and thus quite abruptly waking Anna from her sleep.  
  
It must have been just past 5.00 a.m., she considered as she squeezed her eyes and looked around the still-dark room, fixing her gaze on the open window but ultimately deciding that, since she would have had to get dressed in about half an hour, for the moment walking around Mary’s room totally undressed in the cold and the dark wasn’t the best option.  
  


 _Undressed_. Her mind realized that to that moment the two of them were still tangled in each other, bare bodies pressed together under the warm duvets. Her mind realized that the previous night they had loved each other without boundaries in a way that could never be fully described by a human being, for words would not be able to capture the essence and the purity of that act.  
She giggled, unable to keep her happiness entirely to herself.  
  
-“Mmh...”- came a low groan from Mary’s part, which could be defined all but ladylike.  
  
-“Did I wake you?”- whispered the woman, stroking Mary’s cheek with her thumb.  
  
-“You should know by now that I don’t normally wake up at this hour.”-  
  
-“You should know by now that I normally do.”-   
  
In all response, Mary stretched her neck just enough to be able to kiss her lover’s forehead, murmuring a drowsy “Good morning” which did nothing but widen the smile on Anna’s lips. She wanted to talk about what they had done, to tell her of how beautiful and divine it had been, to thank her because she had been able to make her almost totally forget about the gravest trauma of her life. Pressing her face in the hollow of Mary’s neck, she whispered:  
-“I never knew that there was a way to love you more than I do every day.”-  
  
The other woman smiled, threading her left hand through Anna’s blonde hair. She leaned into her ear, so close that the words were spoken almost voicelessly:  
-“You can love me whenever you want.”-   
  
For how simple the sentence was, knowing the full extent of its meaning made Anna shiver. She was almost sure she could feel Mary’s heartbeats and her skin was so incredibly soft and warm under her touch and _God_ she had engraved into her mind the way she moved and kissed and-  
-“No.”- she spoke out loud, though it was more a command to herself than to Mary.  
  
-“What?”-  
  
Anna sat up, dragging the covers with her and shivering at the feeling of the cold air on her back.  
-“I barely have half an hour.”-she explained, thankful the woman couldn’t see her blushing.  
  
-“Half an hour is plenty of time if one knows how to make proper use of it.”- replied Mary, sitting up beside her and placing a small kiss on her neck.  
  
-“You can be like the Snake when you want to.”-  
  
-“Be thankful that the Snake tempted Eve, otherwise there would be no sin in this world.”-  
  
-“A world without sin is what every human aspires to.”-  
  
-“A world without sin would be a world without us.”- replied Mary, admittedly taking pride in how her kisses and occasional bites were preventing Anna from carrying on with the debate.  
Slowly she shifted her position until she was directly behind the woman, her chest pressed against Anna’s back, and wrapped her arms around her shoulders.  
-“You are so lovely.”- she whispered in her ear, leaving another kiss on her skin.  
  
-“Can I ask you something?”-  
  
-“You know you can.”-  
  
Anna turned to her slightly with the shadow of a smile painted on her lips.  
-“Would you want to keep this a secret forever?”-  
  
-“As much as I would like it, I believe we both know it is impossible.”-  
  
-“But you don’t love the idea of telling someone else.”-   
  
Mary furrowed her brows, for a moment not knowing whether Anna was joking or not.  
-“There is nothing I want more than to be able to tell the world that I love you without being put into an asylum immediately after.”- she stated, quite matter-of-factly.  
  
The woman snickered, then paused for a moment before asking another question:  
-“Can you imagine what Mr. Carson would say?”-  
  
-“What?”-  
  
Anna reclined her head on Mary’s shoulder, smiling again.  
-“Just try.”-  
  
The woman sighed, but ultimately decided to play the game.  
-“He probably wouldn’t look at me for the rest of my days.”-  
  
-“I don’t think so. Maybe at first, but he loves you far too much to let you go.”-  
  
-“I overheard him talking about Thomas once or twice, how he despises him.”- she lowered her eyes, unconsciously tightening her grip around the woman’s shoulders.  
  
-“The household must know sooner or later, Mary. You said it yourself and I frankly don’t believe that they could despise the two of us forever. They know us and they care for us.”-  
  
-“It’s not them I am afraid of.”-   
  
Anna turned to her completely now, wrapping the covers around Mary’s bare back and swathing her legs over the woman’s waist. Gently putting her hands over her lover’s shoulders, she asked:  
-“He is your father. Do you think you could ever stop loving your son more than your life?”-  
  
She knew she couldn’t. God, she would have given her life and the life of everyone else she loved for George’s.  
With a smile, she kissed Anna’s forehead once again before slowly shifting position and returning to her side of the bed. Looking up at the woman, who was still sitting up with the covers half-draped over her body, she whispered a faint “No”, but was unable to add anything else.   
  
Fortunately, she managed to wait until Anna was out of the room before letting the tears wet the soft pillow under her head.  
  
-  
  
Although she would have never admitted it, Violet was happy to see Isobel at her door that morning; maybe because it was so cold and windy outside, but the thought of sitting at her fireplace with a warm cup of tea and the company of someone who could at least try to engage in a battle of wits with her was unusually comforting. However, as the woman sat down on the armchair in front of her, the Dowager Countess couldn’t help but notice her distress.  
  


-“How is it that you look so grim?”-   
  
Isobel raised an eyebrow, wondering for a moment whether her worries were worth being shared with Violet.  
-“There is something that has been troubling me for the last days, although I’m not sure I should even be concerned with it in the first place.”- she confessed at last, mindlessly stirring her black tea.  
  
-“And what would that be?”-  
  
Another pause. This really wasn’t her business.  
-“Some time ago I found Mary at the graveyard, and afterward, she came to my house to have tea with me. While we spoke, she told me that she has fallen in love again.”-  
  
The information was too sudden for Violet not to have any kind of reaction, but she managed to mask it well enough nonetheless.  
-“Are you sure you heard the right words?”-  
  
-“I might be old, Violet, but I am far from being deaf.”-  
  
-“One might never know...”- she slowly took a sip of tea before asking:  
-“And what is it that worries you so much about it?”-  
  
Once again, a pause.  
-“It’s how she described it. At first I thought she was simply talking about the fact that Matthew had died so early in their marriage, but it still didn’t seem like the proper term to use.”-  
  
The Countess looked at her almost in annoyance.   
-“You are aware that mincing words is not the common way of speaking, right?”-  
  
-“I’m sorry, it’s...Mary defined it as ‘cursed’. Why would she ever say something like that?”-  
  
-“For how much she loves to define herself as wise, Mary is still young. She might say or do things which are to be regretted.”-  
  
Still, this didn’t convince Isobel. Even in the first months after the funeral, despite how pessimistic she had seen her Mary had never been so gloomy. However arguing with Violet on her own nephew didn’t seem like the best idea to spend a cold November morning, so she decided to let the topic fall as soon as she had the chance.  
  
-  
  
He liked hearing his footsteps in the empty hall. He liked the gold, the paintings, the fine architecture, the marbles, the fabric of the sofas, the air of timeless luxury that transpired the Abbey.  
While pacing through the floor, Alex Green observed each one of those things with the utmost attention. Upon entering the drawing-room, which he knew he would have found empty save for one person, he took an instant before speaking, admiring Lady Mary’s silhouette against the window.  
  
-“Milady, may I speak with you for a moment?”-  
  
Mary turned with a raised eyebrow, still too unfamiliar with the valet’s voice to recognize it immediately.  
As she saw his face, however, with that tedious little grin on his lips, she had to restrain herself from jumping at his throat and suffocating him on the spot.  
-“You.”- she hissed, indifferent to the manners she should have kept with a servant.  
  
-“I see I am famous. It might be because of your sweet partner, isn’t it?”- he took a step further, at first only experimenting how much he could have pushed his luck before she threatened him.  
  
-“Why are you here?”-  
  
Alex laughed, forcing himself not to be too loud.  
-“I believe we both know why I am here. It’s only a matter of choices, for you.”- another step, Mary didn’t even seem to notice.  
-“You see, I had my fun with Anna, God knows how much. However, since I have seen you down at the lake I thought that maybe I could have more than that.”-  
  
-“You want money.”- she stated, her tone strangely emotionless.  
  
The man smiled again, nonchalantly putting his hands in his pockets as he stepped further still.   
-“You are so smart, Mary. And so incredibly rich. 25000£ shouldn’t be more than a feather off your family’s money.”-  
  
Mary’s eyes didn’t widen upon hearing the price he was asking for, despite how outrageous it was, for reacting would have been the worst possible move she could make. Moreover, she had almost reached something on her mother’s desk without Green noticing.  
-“25000£ is a lot of money Mr. Green. Don’t you think?”-  
  
-“They most certainly are, which is the reason why I am asking for them in the first place. I could never make that much money in my lifetime, probably, but I cannot resist such a temptation.”- by now he was at less than six feet from Mary and the smug smile on his lips didn’t seem to disappear.  
-“Why should we resist temptation, Lady Mary? Tell me, we only live one life, why should we waste it by not giving in to thoughts and actions which are ravaging us, feasting on our insides with a pang of endless hunger. You must understand what I did to Anna, don’t you? You probably did it yourself.”-  
  
Rage couldn’t be enough to describe the sensation that coursed through the woman’s veins as she heard the last sentence.   
Before she could fully process what she was doing, Mary stepped forward and held the paper-knife at Green’s throat, pressing so vigorously against his skin that the blade got almost immediately stained with blood. With a strength she didn’t know she possessed, the woman pushed him against the sofa and fixed her eyes in his, whispering through gritted teeth:  
-“Pray that I won’t kill you.”-  
  
Somehow, the man didn’t seem as scared as he should have been. In fact, even though he could distinctly feel the stinging on his throat, he smirked again.  
-“You cannot. If you were to kill me, the reputation of your family would crumble to pieces, and it will only be your fault. However this thing goes, it will always be your fault.”-  
  
Instinctively, the knife pushed in a bit further and this time Mary could hear Green’s sharp intake of breath as more blood spilled from the wound. Maybe because of the adrenaline currently flooding her system, but at that moment Mary Crawley wanted nothing more than to slit his throat and end it. But she couldn’t, for how much she was longing for it.   
Slowly, she took a step back and watched him as he made his way out of the room, one hand pressed against his throat.  
  
-“You cannot do anything. I always will have power over you. Over both of you.”- were the last words she heard before the man left the room.  
  


-

  
As soon as she was alone again, the paper-knife in her hands seemed to weigh a lot more than it did. She had been on the verge of killing a man. Not wounding, not punching, not slapping.   
No, with a simple gesture she could have seen the life leave Alex Green’s eyes forever while he collapsed at her feet, struggling to keep the blood from running down his body and staining the carpet, her shoes, her new dress.   
With the adrenaline now slowing down, Mary realized the full extent of what her actions could have led to. It was unthinkable, to do something similar to a person. _But is he a person? A small voice asked from a corner of her mind. Does he deserve to be called a person, for what he has done to the person you love?_   
More than a person he was a monster, of that there was no doubt, but she would have become one as well had she chosen to murder him.   
  
The paper-knife clinked on the floor as she dropped it, the hands which moments later seemed so secure now shaking as a leaf. Mary returned to the window, trying to steady herself as best as she could, when she suddenly heard the door open again behind her.  
  
-“Mary? I expected you to be-oh God!”- Cora was cut short by the paper-knife she saw lying on the ground, surrounded by small crimson splatters. Upon raising her eyes towards her daughter, she could notice the faint trembling that ran across her body.  
-“Mary, dear, what happened? Are you hurt?”- she queried, swiftly pacing through the room until she reached the younger woman. Putting her hands on Mary’s shoulders she quickly scanned her body, looking for any wounds, but found none. Before Cora could ask another question, however, Mary flung herself at her and wrapped her arms around her chest, sobbing into her dress.  
  
-“Oh, Mama...”- she whimpered, feeling as if the world was about to collapse under her feet.   
  
-“What happened, my dear?”- asked her mother, taking her face into her hands and softly wiping away the tears. The last time she had seen her daughter so scared it had been years before, when the Turkish gentleman had been at the Abbey.  
  
It took a few moments before Mary could regain enough dignity to properly speak. Breathing in deeply, unable to look directly into her mother’s eyes, she explained:  
-“Mr. Green came in here. He blackmailed me.”-  
  
-“Blackmailed you? Why?”-  
  
-“Weeks ago he must have seen me and Anna together. He entered the room and started threatening me, I don’t know what happened, I saw the knife lying beside me and before I knew I was at his throat.”-  
  
The shock in Cora’s eyes was evident, regardless of how she tried to conceal it. While blackmailing was a terrible thing, this wasn’t a reason for such a physical response on an English aristocrat’s part.  
-“This isn’t you, Mary. It cannot be the only reason why you almost killed a man.”-  
  
Another deep breath, which this time helped surprisingly less. Finding the courage to finally lift her eyes and meet her mother’s gaze, the woman stated in a hushed tone:  
-“He did things, Mama. Before he was a valet at Downton he did something, while Tony was staying here during the concert.”-  
  
-“You’re worrying me, Mary.”-  
  
Suddenly, doubt showered over her. This wasn’t her story to tell. Anna had barely told Mr. Barrow and she was positive that she and Mrs. Hughes, along with the footman, were to this day the only people who knew about the rape.  
-“It doesn’t concern me, but I cannot tell you.”- the woman stated, and for how selfish it was Cora was extremely relieved upon hearing that nothing had happened directly to her daughter.   
  
-“I don’t think you have a choice, my dear. Not after this.”- she held up the paper-knife, thinking about how she could have cleaned it and the few spatters on the floor without anyone noticing.  
  
However, Mary seemed to stand in her position. Lowering her eyes to the ground she repeated once again that it was not something she could tell her and, very probably wanting to avoid any further questions, she left the room.  
  
After a few moments of reasoning, Cora decided that the best thing was to bring the knife up to her room and clean it in her sink, hoping that the blood would still be fresh enough to come off without problems.   
Walking up the stairs and into her bathroom, the woman’s mind was racing to figure out what had provoked her daughter to the point where she almost committed a capital sin. Mr. Green seemed a nice man from what Robert told her, although he had mentioned one or two times how suspicious it seemed that Tony had fired him seemingly without reason. Probably nothing to worry about, she had responded, though now she wasn’t so sure any longer.  
  
It was upon returning to the drawing-room that the woman caught a glimpse of Anna in the hall, just moments before she closed behind her the door which led to the downstairs.   
  
-“Anna.”- Cora called, uncertain about whether the woman had even heard her. However, a few seconds later the door opened again.  
  
-“Yes, Your Ladyship?”- came the lady maid’s voice, and despite her best efforts, Cora could clearly see how uncomfortable she was at the idea of being alone with her.   
  
-“Could I speak to you for a moment?”- she discreetly pointed towards the drawing-room, smiling in an attempt to make the woman feel a bit more at ease.   
  
When they were both inside Cora put the knife away before turning to Anna but, just a moment before she could ask whether the woman knew something about the quarrel Mary had just had with Mr. Green, the realisation hit her.   
  
-“Anna, I need to ask you a question and I need you to promise me that you will answer truthfully.”-  
  
-“Absolutely, Your Ladyship.”-  
  
-“Did Mr. Green ever bother you in any way?”- Cora asked, knowing that had her suspicions been right she wouldn’t have needed an answer.   
  
It was minimal by this point: Anna’s position stiffened, the breath caught in her throat and she couldn’t help but clasp her hands together. All signs that would have easily gone overlooked by someone who wasn’t looking for them.  
  
-“Why do you wish to know, if I may, Your Ladyship?”-  
  
The older woman tilted her head to the side in compassion, hearing the slight tremble in the lady maid’s voice. She stepped towards her, noticing now that her whole body was barely visibly shaking.  
  
-“Today he came into this room and threatened Mary of blackmailing had she decided not to pay him.”-  
  
Anna’s heart began to race faster than it already was. _He couldn’t have done anything to her, right?_  
  
-“And...”- Cora continued -“...apparently Mary pointed a paper-knife at him. I don’t believe she actually meant to hurt him, but there was blood on the blade nonetheless.”-  
  
-“What?”- she exclaimed, her tone a bit more high-pitched from the shock.  
-“Oh God, I cannot imagine why she could do something like this.”-  
  
-“Can’t you, now?”- the woman asked with a light smile.  
-“Because I very much believe I can. Mary is not one to lose her posture easily, Anna. She is not one to show her true colours to everyone, but I know she would go to great lengths to protect those whom she loves.”- she finished, placing her hand on Anna’s and squeezing them softly.  
  
The woman was being overwhelmed with more emotions than she could handle. She had seen Mr. Green minutes before, holding his hand to his throat and asking Daisy for a band-aid, but not in a thousand different universes she could have imagined that Mary was the one to blame for what had happened to him. She felt a tear running down her cheek, though she herself couldn’t tell what it was for. The ever-present memory of Mr. Green? The knowledge that Mary loved her to the point of risking everything to keep her safe from him? The fact that it had been Her Ladyship who told her with a smile?  
  
Swiftly, she brought one hand to her cheek to wipe away the tear.  
-“I’m sorry, Your Ladyship.”-

she uttered, hating the crack she could hear in her own voice.  
  
-“Don’t be. I wish I could say the same for my daughter’s reaction, but it wouldn’t be true.”-  
  
-“How do you mean?”-  
  
Cora dared to put her hands on Anna’s shoulders now, still unsure about how she would have had to behave with her daughter’s lover.  
-“I am simply glad that she loves you.”- she stated after a moment of thinking.  
  
The only answer Anna could give was a smile, for she was sure she would have begun crying again had she attempted to speak. To hear a sentence so beautiful said by someone so important in Mary’s life was undeniably one of the best feelings she could ever hope to remember. Managing to mutter a “Thank you, Your Ladyship” she left the room, promising to herself that she would have kissed her lover with all the love she could manage to show as soon as she saw her.  
  
-  
  
Cora was sitting at her desk, still smiling. Although at the beginning she had almost reluctant to the idea of Mary having fallen in love with a woman, and a servant nonetheless, now Anna seemed like the only sensible choice. She promised to herself that she would have spoken with her on the whole “Mr. Green” matter as soon as possible, but for now all she wanted to do was to-  
  
-“What was that?”-  
  
The woman turned, horrified upon seeing Robert coming out of the room next door, an undecipherable expression in his features.  
  
-“What are you talking about, dear?”-  
  
-“You know perfectly well what I am talking about, Cora.”- he stated, and the look in his eyes genuinely scared her despite how well she knew him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Sorry if at times this was slightly dark, but I genuinely liked writing Mary like that.  
> As for Robert...we'll burn that bridge next chapter.  
> Hope you enjoyed, leave a comment and a kudo if you want to!


	19. Heavier Rocks

He stepped towards her, hands behind his back.  
-“Why did you say those things to Miss Smith? What were the two of you talking about?”-  
  
The woman opened her mouth as if to speak, only to close it again a moment after, drowned in a personal dilemma: it wasn’t her who should have told Robert, but she wasn’t completely sure that Mary would have ever agreed on talking with him in the first place.  
-“Can you let me call for Mary? I think it would be best if she was here as well.”-  
  
-“I will be in the library.”-  
  
His tone was stern, Cora noticed, but then again it always seemed like that with him. It didn’t necessarily mean that he was angry, but it didn’t mean that he wasn’t as well. When Cora joined her husband she noticed to her dismay that they wouldn’t have been alone during whatever was about to happen.  
  
-“Cora, could you tell me what in the world is my son talking about?”- queried Violet as soon as she saw her, turning slightly from the armchair she was sitting on.  
-“He keeps on ranting something about Mary.”-  
  
-“You will see for yourself, Mama. Won’t she, Cora?”- Robert glared at her, his eyes drawing every drop of hope that still rested on her heart: there was a wave of anger even she had rarely seen and for a moment she feared the worst was about to come for-  
  
-“Why did you call for me, Mama?”-  
  
-“I asked her to call for you.”- stated her father and from the light twitch in Mary’s brows, Cora could tell that the rage in his eyes hadn’t diminished.  
-“I hoped we could clear up a question and since your grandmother and Isobel are here as well, you won’t have to repeat yourself to someone else about this matter.”-  
  
Mary stepped forward, her eyes searching for a sort of explanation in her mother’s but finding none.  
-“How do you mean?”-  
  
-“Maybe you should ask Miss Smith.”-  
  
The woman’s eyes widened, betraying the otherwise still mask that always rested on her features, and her heart began to race faster than she had ever felt it, to the point where she could feel the blood pumping through the veins in her neck.  
  
-“Her maid? What does she have to do with whatever is happening here?”- interfered Isobel, shifting ever so slightly in her seat.  
  
Robert hinted a smile before taking a sip from the glass he was holding, ignoring his mother’s disapproving glare.  
-“That would be my question as well. What does she have to do with you, Mary?”-  
  
-“Papa, I don’t-”-  
  
-“Don’t you dare.”- he interrupted her, -“Don’t you dare lie to the face of your father on a matter so important.”-  
  
-“Robert-”-  
  
-“You don’t have a word in this, Cora. You lied to me too. If it hadn’t been for the fact that the door wasn’t closed I would have probably never known. Isn’t it true?”-  
He turned his eyes on Mary again, ignoring the sting of pain in his heart. As much as he hated the very idea of arguing with his daughters, this was simply beyond the concept of crossing lines.  
  
-“Eavesdropping is not something an Englishman would do.”- came Violet’s voice from behind him, making him turn towards her.  
-“If only it was the worst thing that happened lately.”-  
He took another sip, before gently laying the glass on a nearby table.  
-“I caught Cora talking with someone, telling them about how glad she was that Mary loved them.”- he emphasized the word “glad” almost mockingly with a gesture of his hand.  
  
Violet turned to Mary, confused as to why her niece seemed to be on the verge of tears. Still, from what the elder woman knew there wasn’t anyone currently staying at the Abbey who could have sparked Mary’s interest.  
-“Is that true, Mary? Are you in love with someone?”-  
  
-“She is, with Anna Smith.”-  
  
The entire room fell silent, that name spoken by Robert lingering in the air with the same weight of the world on Atlas’ shoulders. Mary thought she would have been able to bear it, but to hear her lover’s name pronounced with such contempt made her quiver to the core.  
  
-“What?”- came Isobel’s voice, though it seemed like a faint echo from the chaos of Mary’s mind.  
  
-“It’s true.”- Mary stated, primarily to prevent herself from backing off in some way. Struggling to keep her breathing pace slow enough, she continued:  
-“But how could you expect me to simply tell you, Papa? Look at how you are reacting now.”-  
  
-“You are in love with a woman, Mary. A woman, and a servant nonetheless.”- by the end of the sentence he was screaming, the rage of his voice reverberating against the walls of the room.  
  
The blood in her veins seemed to be burning now, the intensity of her feelings preventing her from saying another word and wetting her cheeks with tears instead; it was terrible to be ruled in that way by her own emotions, but there was nothing she could do to help it.  
  
-“There are specialists in this field. Doctors who can cure people like you.”-  
  
-“Don’t you think I went to one, Papa? Don’t you think I hoped with my whole heart that I could be cured?”- Mary rebuked, her voice broken and never so desperate.  
No one noticed the slight wince on Violet’s part, nor the handkerchief she extracted from her purse and tapped just under her eyes.  
  
-“And why didn’t you go through with it?”-  
  
Mary had always been taught that hate didn’t bring anywhere in life, but no other emotion could define as strongly what she was feeling at that moment for her father.  
-“Because I am in love, Papa. For Heaven’s sake, I had lost all will to live after Matthew’s death.”-  
  
-“It should have stayed that way.”-  
  
The woman froze on the spot, frightened by the person before her: Robert, _her father_ , had just told her that she would have been better dead than in love with a woman. She wanted to ask how he could mean it, but her throat felt as dry as if she had been under the desert sun for years.  
Wordlessly, she backed up against the door and opened it, managing to keep her posture long enough to arrive to her bedroom and close its door behind her.  
  
In the shock of Robert’s last sentence no one, apart from Isobel, had noticed that Violet had slowly taken off her right glove, and by the time she hit her son’s cheek it was too late for him to avoid the strike and pang of pain that followed.  
-“Rest assured that you will end up begging for bread in the streets of London if I don’t come to know that you have apologised by the end of the day.”- she stated, her glare remembering the man of the few times he had been seriously scolded when he was little.  
Now, although he was much older, the fear remained the same.  
  
-“You cannot be telling me that this is normal, Mama.”-  
  
-“Would you rather I tell you about that time I fell in love with a French duchess?”- was her reply, and for the second time every person in the room fell completely silent because of her, mouths slightly agape. Robert, on the other hand, seemed as astonished as ever.  
-“As I had thought. Now...”- she walked towards the door, motioning Isobel to stay where she was. -“...I will go upstairs and try to repair what you have broken, but know that I won’t tell a single word on your behalf.”-  
  
-  
  
While doing her chores, while washing and mending clothes, while polishing boots, Anna couldn’t help but smile. She had tried her best to keep her happiness concealed from the other members of the staff, seen that she couldn’t have possibly explained this sudden change in humour in any way, but whenever she was alone her mind wandered to the previous night, to the way they had loved each other so restlessly and so entirely.  
  
-“You seem happy. Has something happened?”-  
  
Anna lifted her eyes from the jewels she was polishing, noticing only now that she had been humming a tune very probably for the last five minutes.  
  
-“I’m sorry, Mrs. Hughes.”-  
  
-“Oh, don’t be.”- the older woman smiled. -“I am happy to see that smile of yours again if I have to be honest.”-  
  
-“It couldn’t be otherwise.”- Anna commented, not realizing the danger of those words until they had left her mouth.  
  
-“Really? Would you mind telling me why?”-  
  
There was a playfulness in her tone which suggested that the question was not mandatory, but Anna felt uneasy all the same. She had never been great at lying, but then again, before the start of her relationship she had never really felt the need to.  
  
-“I-...”- she closed her mouth for a moment. She couldn’t lie, but she could avoid telling all the truth. -“I believe I might have met someone, Mrs. Hughes.”-  
  
The housekeeper furrowed her brows for a moment, more in confusion than anything else: it should have been wonderful news for Anna, but suddenly she didn’t look half as happy as she had seen her just moments before.  
  
-“You don’t seem so enthusiastic. Anna...”- she placed a hand on her shoulder.  
-“If he really is someone worthy of your affections, you will have nothing to worry about.”-  
  
Up until that moment, Green hadn’t even crossed her mind, because it was abundantly clear that Mrs. Hughes was trying to tell her that as scarred as she was, it would have been ten times more difficult to be loved by a man. _If only that was her case_.  
  
-“I hope so, Mrs. Hughes.”-  
  
-“Do I know him?”-  
  
The question surprised her, though it was quite natural of the woman to want to know about this person. Just before Anna could think of an answer that wouldn’t have gotten her into any sort of trouble, Mary’s bell rang.  
  
-“I must go.”- the maid stated, rising from the table and walking out of the door, only giving a hasty “Good day, Mrs. Hughes” to the puzzled woman behind her.  
  
-  
  
-“You couldn’t possibly imagine the situation you have saved me...-”- she stopped before she could finish the sentence, hearing her lover’s muffled cries. Once she had closed the door behind her she walked to the armchair next to the window, her tone more preoccupied than she could know while she called her name.  
-“What happened?”-  
  
It took a few moments before Mary seemed to notice that someone else had entered the room. Once her eyes met Anna’s, though, she immediately stood up and wrapped her arms around the woman’s smaller frame, trying to suffocate the tears into her clothes.  
-“I’m sorry...”- she mumbled after a bit, not specifying whether she was referring to the lack of greeting or not.  
  
-“What could you ever be sorry about?”-  
  
Mary took a deep breath, and then another. Still, the burning in her lungs and throat didn’t lessen nearly as much as she hoped to.  
-“Maybe we shouldn’t be together.”-  
  
Anna’s heart dropped, and for a moment she was sure she couldn’t feel it beating in her chest any longer.  
-“Where does this talk come from?”-  
  
-“Anna...”- she couldn’t look at her, or else not even a syllable would have come out of her mouth.  
-“...think about it. What good could we ever do together? Is this really worth it, knowing what it can cause in others?”-  
  
-“What have others-...”- she tilted her head, brows furrowed for a moment in confusion before the realisation came. -“You spoke to your father.”-  
  
She didn’t need confirmation for the words she had said, but Mary nodded nonetheless, her sharp intake of breath telling Anna that her following words wouldn’t have been easy to say. So, mainly because she had no intention of hearing her lover trying to convince her that they shouldn’t have been together, she spoke again.  
-“Mary, look at me.”- the woman lifted her eyes, reddened by the tears. -“He is your father and I know that he loves you. I have always seen it, through the years. He might be angry at the moment, but I don’t doubt that he will apologize to you if he has said something hurtful.”-  
  
There was a kind of desperation in her tone which bit Mary’s heart, knowing well that the woman was trying to convince her that leaving her wouldn’t have been the right solution.  
-“Anna...think about it. We will always have to hide in one way or another. You will never have a child if you choose to stay with me, you will never really settle down. How can that be called life?”-  
  
-“Do not play it on me, Mary.”- Anna stated, her tone suggesting that despite her best efforts she was growing frustrated with the situation.  
-“Listen.”- she took the woman’s face into her hands, trying to be as gentle as possible.  
-“Look in my eyes and tell me that you do not love me. Tell me this and you will never see me again.”- she spoke, wondering how in the world that sentence had left her mouth in a tone so resolute.  
  
The woman’s eyes widened, what with being caught so off guard by Anna’s boldness. She could feel the way her breaths had quickened, she could notice how agitated her lover was regardless of what she meant to show her, but somehow she had managed to make that statement in the most convincing voice Mary had ever heard.  
  
-“I cannot. You know too well that I could never say it, Anna.”-  
  
Before either of the two could speak again, though, a knock at the door broke them from their stares. Anna instinctively took a step back and Mary tried to wipe the tears from her face as best as she could.  
-“Yes?”-  
  
Slowly stepping into the room, her walking stick keeping her straight, was a person neither of them expected to see at the moment.  
  
-“Granny.”- Mary acknowledged her, noticing that with the shiver of her voice she couldn’t have said much more without breaking down again.  
  
-“I will leave you.”- stated Anna, walking to the open door and smiling politely at Violet in the process. Before she could bid her farewells, however, the Dowager gently placed her hand on the maid’s shoulder.  
  
-“Mary doesn’t need to be parted from you now, Anna.”-  
  
Both women glanced at each other for a moment, equally shocked by the words they had just heard. Hesitantly, Anna stepped back into the room with a “Yes, Your Ladyship” which was barely audible.  
  
Turning her eyes on her niece, Violet walked towards the bed and sat on it, patting beside her to encourage Mary over.  
-“If I were to stand for more than two minutes, they would probably have to move me with a forklift.”- she explained with a smile. Once her niece joined her, the elder woman’s eyes returned on Anna.  
-“You won’t be much company to Mary if you have the same posture as a coat hanger, my dear.”-  
  
Feeling the heat rise on her cheeks, the woman’s searched for Mary’s eyes in a silent plead of help as to what she could do, eventually setting on taking a seat beside her lover on the bed.  
  
-“I am not going to defend your father in any way, Mary. I do not care if he did not mean to say those words, his anger took the best of him and I am sorry.”-  
  
-“You’re not angry?”- Mary turned towards her, breaths shallow and tears still streaming down her face.  
  
-“You expect me to be?”-  
  
-“How could it be any different?”-  
  
-“Oh, Mary...”- Violet leaned in slightly, pressing a kiss on the woman’s forehead and maybe because she would have never expected such a reaction from her grandmother, but the woman completely fell apart in her arms before she could fully realize it, pressing one hand behind Violet’s back while the other held on tightly on Anna’s.  
  
-“I’m sorry...”- she muttered once again, hating with every fibre of her being how much like a child she was behaving. -“I’m so sorry I disappointed you, granny.”-  
  
-“Disappointed?”- Violet gently pushed her away, mostly because she wanted to look into her eyes while she spoke.  
-“My dear, you are the agent of this estate. Your father tells me about your ideas and your plans, of how brilliant he thinks they are. There is no reason I could be disappointed in you.”-  
  
-“But, I-”-  
  
-“You give me little credit if you believe that I could be somehow angry or let down by the person you decided to love. I might be of old ideals, but I have my secrets as well, my dear.”-  
  
Mary raised an eyebrow, unsure about whether she had correctly understood the subtext of what her grandmother was saying.  
-“Secrets?”-  
  
The older woman hinted a smile before going on:  
-“I loved your grandfather dearly, but in my youth I found myself dancing with a duchess once or twice.”-  
  
A small laughter of surprise escaped Mary’s lips at the notion. Her grandmother was really nothing more than a septuagenarian version of her, she thought.  
  
-“I obviously couldn’t afford to be brave enough, but you can. The times are always changing, Mary, and never more than now.”-  
  
-“But there are people who won’t agree with you.”-  
  
-“Let them disagree, then. Your father will come to his senses, believe me.”-  
  
Mary was more than ready to rebuke, but this time it was Anna who took the floor, albeit still intimidated by the Dowager Countess’s presence.  
-“Your pessimism won’t bring you anywhere.”-  
  
-“How do you know what I was trying to tell?”-  
  
-“I think I could predict every word that comes out of your mouth.”- she snickered, placing a kiss on her lover’s bare shoulder. It was unusual to say the least, behaving like that in front of the most feared member of the household, but Anna forced herself to ignore that feeling nonetheless. _After all, if this is to continue, you will have to get used to it_.  
  
Violet smiled again and leaned on her stick to stand up, soon followed by the two women.  
-“I have threatened your father. If he doesn’t want to end up in the streets of London by the end of the week he’ll have to come to apologise.”-  
  
-“He won’t sound as sincere, granny.”-  
  
-“He will have to be, and he knows it. Remember, Mary, as long as I walk this earth there will always be something your father fears.”- she stated, pleased once she heard both her niece and Anna laughing as she walked out the door.  
  
-  
  
-“That went unexpectedly.”- stated Mary once they were alone again, returning to her place by the window.  
  
-“Not if you take into account that the two of you are essentially the same person.”-  
  
The woman tilted her head in agreement, noticing only now the thundering headache that always came after the tears. She pressed a hand on her forehead, trying to calm the pain down.  
  
-“You want me to bring you an aspirin?”-  
  
-“No, don’t worry. It’ll pass in a minute.”-  
  
-“Mmmh...”- Anna raised to her tiptoes and pressed a kiss on Mary’s mouth, smiling when she felt her lover’s arms tightly holding her waist.  
-“Was there any other reason why you called for me?”-  
  
-“I don’t think so. God...”- she breathed out, lowering her eyes to the ground.  
-“How can I face my father at luncheon?”-  
  
-“I cannot answer that.”-  
  
-“I hope too much, it seems.”-  
  
-“If I hear something else as pessimistic leaving your mouth over the next hour I will hand in my resignations.”- Anna joked, the playfulness in her eyes somehow so contagious that even Mary couldn’t avoid a smile.  
  
-“As if you could bear to be separated from me.”- she quirked an eyebrow in that haughty, royal way that Anna had almost forgotten by now.  
  
-“You certainly don’t lack modesty.”-  
  
-“Why should I? I am a noblewoman, after all.”-  
  
-“And yet, you chose to love me.”- Anna’s eyes trailed to the bed at the end of the sentence, saying what her words were unable to.  
  
Mary would have wanted to kiss her until her lips burned at that point, knowing how much of her she could reveal under the right circumstances. However, seen how little time separated her from luncheon, she ultimately decided on letting that thought go for the moment.  
  
\---  
  
The nights were becoming colder and colder, but it didn’t stop Thomas from smoking a cigarette after dinner. He stepped out into the small courtyard and, after noticing that there was no one else around, decided that a walk around the Abbey wouldn’t have hurt him.  
  
He was pacing softly, occasionally breathing out the smoke and admiring how it danced under the moonlight, when upon turning a corner he noticed a figure leaning against the wall who, mainly because of the brightness of the moon, turned out to be Lady Mary. The man stopped, unsure if he should have made himself known or not, but the Lady noticed him before he could take a step back.  
  
-“Barrow. What are you doing out so late?”- she queried, though thankfully nothing in her tone seemed reprimanding.  
  
-“Just taking a walk.”- he smiled politely, daring to take a step further and noticing how the woman was shivering, but then again with a sleeveless dress she couldn’t have expected much. Without a word, he tossed the cigarette in the grass and took off his black jacket.  
  
-“Oh, Barrow, I could never-”-  
  
-“I am more than sufficiently dressed, milady.”- he reassured her, holding the piece of clothing by the shoulders as an invitation.  
  
Maybe because she was quite cold or maybe because she didn’t have enough strength in her to fight anyone at the moment, but it didn’t take any more convincing for Mary to turn around and let the footman dress her. It was pleasantly warm, she noticed, and smelled mostly like smoke along with a fragrance she couldn’t pinpoint at first.  
-“Don’t tell anyone you have seen me like this.”-  
  
-“I am not seeing you any different from your usual, milady.”-  
  
The woman chuckled, getting back to her spot against the wall. Thinking that for the moment he would have been allowed to do that, Thomas followed her and leant back just beside her, his shoulder almost touching hers.  
  
-“I have been defeated.”- she stated after a while, fidgeting with the glove she was wearing.  
  
-“Anna can hardly avoid telling me about you.”-  
  
-“And what did she tell you?”-  
  
-“That this morning you had quite the conversation with His Lordship.”- he was being slightly sarcastic, but the situation didn’t require nearly as much composure as normal, Thomas decided.  
-“Milady...”-  
  
He waited a moment, not entirely sure about what he should say.  
  
-“...I have not exactly accepted who I am. It is not easy for any of us to come to terms with the fact that we are labelled illegal before we do anything, just because we exist, but some are luckier than others.”-  
  
-“I don’t feel lucky, to be honest.”-  
  
-“I was not referring to you, milady.”- he raised his eyes towards her, being met with a confused expression.  
-“If I were to fall in love with someone, it would be enough for us to pay attention to what we say and do when we are not alone. We could go out together and no one would think that we are something more than friends, whereas people like you do not have this same opportunity, but this doesn’t mean that you don’t have to fight.”-  
  
The woman huffed.  
-“It seems like a lost battle to begin with.”-  
  
-“I don’t believe Anna sees it the same way.”-  
  
Mary turned to him, leaning on her side with a half-questioning half-amused look on her face.  
-“How do you mean?”-  
  
-“She smiles whenever she speaks of you. Despite how cheerful she normally is I had never noticed her smiling when talking about someone.”-  
  
The woman was thankful that in the light of the moon it wouldn’t have been possible for the footman to notice how furiously she was blushing. Mainly to divert the attention, she decided to ask:  
-“Do you think there could be a cure?”-  
  
This time it was the man’s turn to chuckle, though there was no trace of amusement whatsoever in that sound.  
-“As much as I would want to believe it, no. I have seen the advertisements, but I think no one could be able to change the way we feel. It’s not something which can be managed by man, milady.”-  
  
-“I wish I could have thought that.”-  
  
He turned to her, meeting those noble, royal eyes which he had never truly seen before.  
  
-“I went to a doctor.”- Mary explained, gesturing vaguely with her right arm.  
-“Fortunately enough, he wasn’t convinced with the treatments and told me that he wouldn’t have done anything.”-  
  
-“Downton Abbey would have lost the best part of itself.”-  
  
This time Mary’s laughter was real. Maybe because she had been quite gloomy all day, maybe because at dinner her father hadn’t even looked at her, but the woman genuinely needed a moment of happiness and she was glad it had been offered by something so simple.  
  
-“You are quite surprising, Mr. Barrow.”-  
  
-“I could say the same of you, milady.”-  
  
They both decided to leave it at that, and stared at the moon for a couple more minutes, basking in the silence of the night.  
Maybe Thomas Barrow was right, Mary considered. Maybe, if there was a person who could have fought for their rights and made their voice heard, it was her. It would have been her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> Sorry if it took so long, I had a bit of a writer block, but I think I overcame it.  
> I really hope you enjoyed the chapter, and stay tuned for the next one because FINALLY something will happen. I did not hint it in this one, but believe me, it will.  
> Also, I have created a tumblr account! It's called " soulofdawn " (Idk, it's the first thing that came to mind). I have to personalize it and all, but as soon as it will be up and running you can ask/tell me whatever you want, fic related or not.  
> That said, thank you for your incredible support, I'm enjoying so much writing this because of you as well.


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